


A Forever Type of Person

by awandererbenighted



Series: Somebody You Can Wake Up With [1]
Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 59,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26527753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awandererbenighted/pseuds/awandererbenighted
Summary: An April-centric story about her and Sterling's quest for their maybe someday and how they navigate the woes of a secret relationship
Relationships: April Stevens & Sterling Wesley, April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Series: Somebody You Can Wake Up With [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964245
Comments: 220
Kudos: 627





	1. Fear is Founded

Rumors about the kidnapping of Sterling Wesley began spreading through the grapevine about half past midnight, just a few hours after April left her crying and brokenhearted on a bench outside. At the time, April believed she was protecting Sterling from her father, the lying, cheating, bigoted, woman batterer that he was. Now she wondered if perhaps she had unknowingly exposed Sterling to some other danger that she could have prevented if she had just held her hand at the lock-in, if she had just talked to Sterling before smashing their budding relationship into pieces. She oscillated quickly between fear and pride and fear and pride and fear again. April hadn’t treated Sterling fairly and that was certainly no way to start a relationship. With trembling fingers, April texted Sterling to ask if she was okay though she doubted Sterling would respond. April had given Sterling every reason to hate her.

She decided that perhaps some sleep would do her some good and would provide some respite from her woes. The sight of Luke forcing his legs into his guitar-shaped sleeping bag welcomed a wave of nausea and panic. Looking at him now, she couldn’t recall why she thought she could flirt with him sustainably, or any guy for that matter. She tried to fill her lungs with air, but they burned at every attempt and the hallway suddenly began spinning around her. She hurried to the farthest bathroom, the one least likely to be occupied. Each step was labored as her legs felt like jelly ready to collapse beneath her and when she crossed paths with Ezekiel and Hannah B, she knew she wouldn’t make it to her destination before falling apart.

“April, what’s wrong?” Hannah B inquired in her naïve but caring voice. April’s heart broke more remembering how awfully she’d treated Hannah B. Ezekiel remained silent, but the concern on his face matched that of Hannah B’s. April’s breaths came harsh and shallow, the words stuck in her throat as if her own body was suffocating her. Hannah B and Ezekiel ushered her into a nearby classroom to sit her down. “It’ll pass April. Try to focus on your breathing.” She grabbed April’s hand and began demonstrating for her. “We’re here for you. Breathe with me.”

After only a couple minutes April could breathe again, her panic attack subsiding. Her surroundings stopped spinning and she could focus on her two best friends, secretly vowing to treat both of them better than she had been and to be a better friend herself. “Thanks Hannah B. How did you know what to do?”

“Sometimes I have panic attacks. Focusing on my breathing helps me get through them.”Ezekiel seated himself next to April and asked “What’s going on April? You’ve been acting differently these past few days.”

April contemplated telling them about Sterling for a moment. She truly believed that neither Ezekiel nor Hannah B would out her to anyone, especially her family, but in her fleeting moment of bravery the fear took over. Maybe another day. _Maybe_. _Small steps first_. “My dad came home from jail today. His charges got dropped.”

“I thought you would be happy about that. You were a mess during his trial.” Hannah B hummed in agreement.

“My dad cheated on my mom and assaulted a sex worker. He lied. Now he wants to pretend that none of this ever happened and he wants to go back to the way things were. He expects me to be the same April he was before he got arrested but I’m not that person anymore.”

“But he’s still your dad.”

Ezekiel was right. John Stevens was still her father and she still loved him despite what he had done. His actions didn’t erase the good memories she had of them watching Star Wars together and of him reading Narnia to her before bedtime. She wondered if she would still love him when she eventually did come out, if she would still smile when he called her his little Padawan, or if that would be the final nail in the coffin. Regardless, John Stevens was her dad for life. And she would always be his daughter. John Stevens would always be a chauvinist and April Stevens would always be gay. April would sooner accept the latter over the former. “I was safer when my dad was in jail.”

April looked helpless and her voice cracked as she spoke the words. She had never been so vulnerable with her friends before and she could see and feel the worry they exuded for her. April knew she didn’t deserve them. “Hannah B, maybe you could go get Ellen and I’ll stay here with April.” As soon as Hannah B was out of sight, Ezekiel reached over and wrapped April in a hug. Tears flooded her eyes again. For the first time in her life, April felt irreparably broken. She yearned for Sterling, for the warmth and the safety that she knew her arms could provide. She longed for the strength she felt in Sterling’s presence when they played skee ball at the Fun Zone. She wondered if they could fix what she had broken, if Sterling would want to. Still, April settled into Ezekiel’s embrace and found a different kind of strength with him.

As the tears started to slow Ezekiel took his opening. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on but if you do, I wouldn’t tell anyone.” He seemed to consider his next words for a moment before taking the plunge. “It seemed like you and Sterling were becoming friends again, around the time you built Solomon’s Temple. I think Sterling would be good for you.”

“We were.” She looked at him through teary eyes and took a deep breath, willing the words to leave her mouth. “Becoming friends again. I’m not so sure where we stand anymore after tonight though. I really fucked up.”

“And if you’re in love with Sterling that would also be okay.”

_In love_. _Was she? Had she always been in love with Sterling and her feelings were just paralyzed?_ April recalled all the Adele’s she had over the years and none of them could hold a candle to Sterling now that she knew what it felt like to press her lips against Sterling’s and to feel the weight of her body on top of her own in the backseat of Sterling’s Volt. Their relationship was new, but it felt like years in the making. She and Sterling had been so close before their friendship ended in fifth grade. Had they always felt this way, unknowingly, their feelings guised as an innocent childhood friendship between two devoutly Christian girls. They had managed to find their way back to each other once. Could they find their way back to each other again? God knows she’s never wanted anything more, but it didn’t change the fact that it wasn’t safe for her to come out or that she wasn’t ready for anyone else to know besides Sterling and Blair. Though she was okay if Ezekiel wanted to assume that she was in love with Sterling. There was comfort in the thought of him knowing without having to actually say the words. She didn’t have to deny it nor confirm it. “Ezekiel, I can’t.”

He hugged her again and held her tightly. “You don’t have to say the words.” He whispered. “I’ve got you.”

Hannah B returned with an anxious Ellen at her heels who rushed to hug her when she saw the state that April was in. Ellen gave April so much of the affection she should have received at home but never did. April would probably never admit it to anyone but Sterling, but Ellen had been like a life raft keeping her afloat like flotsam from a wrecked ship. Any small bit of love and acceptance she had for herself was there because Ellen had constantly reminded her that she deserved love. Perhaps God had put Ellen in her life as a spark of hope in what felt like an extremely hopeless place to be stuck in growing up gay.

“Oh sweetie. Talk to me. What’s with the waterworks?”

“I’ll be okay Ellen. It’s just that my dad is back from jail.”

“And you’re sad about that? You were devastated when he got sentenced.”

“We both know that he’s not a good person Ellen.”

Ellen nodded her head and offered up a sad smile and another hug. “Don’t you ever forgot that we’re here for you and we love you. If you need anything you just say the word.”

April tried to smile at the sentiment but tonight she couldn’t pretend that she could even fake smile. “Ellen?” She forced down the bile rising in her throat. They all heard the rumors going around. Certainly, that included Ellen, who always had an ear to the rumor mill. “Do you know if Sterling is okay?”

“I don’t know. I tried contacting her family, but I couldn’t reach anyone.” She rubbed soothing circles on April’s back. “Give Sterling some time. She’ll come around. Don’t give up on her. You two will figure it out.” There it was. That spark of hope, the light in the dark, that April desperately needed. She sent another silent thank you to God for bringing Ellen into her life.

“Do you think that you could get my sleeping bag? Its next to Luke’s.” An unspoken question hung on Ellen’s face. “I can’t sleep next to him.” When Ellen left the room she turned to Ezekiel and Hannah B and asked “Why are the two of you friends with me? I’m the most terrible person I know, and I treat both of you like crap.”

“You don’t let anyone mess with me.”

“You were my first friend.” Hannah B whispered. “Believe it or not, you weren’t always like this.

“I promise I’ll be better.”

When Ellen returned with April’s sleeping bag the three of them made their way to the classroom Ezekiel and Hannah B had claimed for themselves. Cuddled together in their sleeping bags, April felt safe and untouchable. They closed their eyes and sleep washed over them. Tomorrow was a new day and when April woke, she would make good on her promises to be a better friend and to mend every bridge she burned with Sterling. She would prove to Sterling she was serious about someday.


	2. Growing a Heart Takes a While

The first thing April did the next morning was check her phone for any messages from Sterling. Her heart sank when she noticed all of her previous messages had gone unanswered. Ellen’s words from the previous night echoed in her head. _Don’t give up on her_. April had no intentions of giving up. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth thinking of what to say to Sterling before settling on something simple. 

**April: There** **’** **s a lot of rumors going around about what happened after you left the lock-in. I just want you to know that I** **’** **m here for you if you need anything. I care about you and I** **’** **m sorry that I flirted with Luke. I want to fix this.**

April closed her eyes and prayed that Sterling wouldn’t shut her out. She hoped they could at least be friends even though she knew it would kill her to not be with Sterling in the way that they had been together just 48 hours earlier. Hannah B and Ezekiel were both still asleep so April wandered the halls to find Ellen and maybe something to eat, if her stomach would allow it.

Ellen was already awake checking on the sleeping student body, probably to make sure everyone still had their clothes on. She thought about Sterling. About Sterling sleeping next to her, stripped bare of her clothes, and April ravaging her. At the very least she could have had one small part of her fantasy if she had managed to be just a little bit braver the previous night. She tried to shake the thought from her mind, rather unsuccessfully. “April!” Ellen ran over to her. “Did you sleep okay last night?”

“Actually, I did.” She smiled, a genuine smile that took surprisingly less effort to summon than her fake smiles. “Have you heard anything about Sterling? I’ve texted her but I haven’t heard back from her.”

“Her mother contacted me this morning to let me know that Sterling was safe at home and that she probably wouldn’t be in school this week.”

“Really?” April was shocked. Whatever had befallen Sterling last night must have been terrible if she was going to miss an entire week of school.

“Yes. I told her to tell Sterling to text if she needs anything. Mrs. Wesley said she’d let her know and that they were working on getting Sterling a new phone.”

“Well that explains why she hasn’t responded to any of my messages. I guess that’s better than the alternative.”

Ellen reached out and took her hand. Somehow Ellen always knew how to comfort her. “Did you and Sterling get into an argument? Over Luke perhaps? The two of you looked like you were getting cozy last night.”

April’s heart throbbed with a sharp pain. She felt ashamed for how she acted and how much she hurt Sterling. “We did argue about Luke but it’s not what you think, and I don’t really want to go into it either. I really hurt Sterling though and I want to make it up to her.”

Ellen offered her a hopeful smile. “Well I think you girls will manage to work it out. You’re a great team. The two of you could be so close.” She had no idea.

Once the last student had left the lock-in and April had finished helping Ellen cleanup she made the dreadful trip home. She figured she could probably lock herself away in her room under the guise of not getting enough sleep at the lock-in and having homework to do. Sure enough, her father was all too happy to give in to her request to take a nap and was beaming with pride that his daughter would spend the rest of her Saturday studying and doing homework. April sulked upstairs, desperate to get away and relieved as soon as she shut herself in her room. She worried she wouldn’t be able to hide her displeasure at being stuck in the same room as the man who scared her so much that she ended her relationship with Sterling. She opted for a steamy shower hoping to wash away the remnants of bad decisions before nestling under her covers, falling asleep while silently praying that she would hear from Sterling soon.

A couple hours later April awoke to the smell of blueberry pancakes wafting from the kitchen. Her mother hadn’t made any of her favorite foods in so long that she imagined her father must have insisted on her mother cooking them for April. It killed her how easy it was to lure her out bed, but she was starting to feel hungry after not having eaten anything since her pizza with Luke. She sat down next to her father and piled some blueberry pancakes onto her plate.

“How was your nap Padawan?”

“It was good daddy.” She forced the fake smile she so often donned when she wanted everyone to believe that she was okay. Today though, it had never felt more foreign with the knowledge of what true happiness felt like. Still, she couldn’t let her father figure out that she was very much not okay and that it had something to do with Sterling.

“Did you have fun at the lock-in?”

After swallowing a mouthful of pancakes April replied “A lot of fun. Hannah B, Ezekiel and I just hung out in a classroom the whole night. We played some board games and did the scavenger hunt.” She sat through another grueling twenty minutes of pancakes with her parents, idly listening to them making conversation and pretending that Team Stevens was okay, before excusing herself to her room to do her homework. She checked her phone, pleasantly surprised to see that she had a new message from Sterling.

**Sterling: I just got a new phone. Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate it, but I think I need some time before I’m ready to talk to you.**

**April: I can give you time, whatever you need. I just don’t want us to go back to being enemies.**

**Sterling: I don’t want that either. Maybe you could give my homework to Blair?**

**April: Sure**

**Sterling: I’ll tell her to play nice. I’ll text you when I’m ready to talk.**

**April: Thank you. Take care, Sterl.**

The next day, April purposefully showed up late to the Fellowship meeting so she could coax Blair into staying after everyone left. She wouldn’t have much of a choice considering April had her sister’s homework. Blair wasn’t happy with April’s shenanigans, but she promised Sterling she would attempt to be nice to April. It was the least she could do after everything her sister had been through. She was angry at April but she would be nice for Sterling’s sake. After the hour-long meeting April caught Blair’s eye and they shuffled around the room pretending they weren’t ready to leave until everyone else was gone. April wanted their conversation to be private and free from the prying eyes and ears of the Willingham Academy grapevine.

“Do you have Sterling’s homework?” Blair sounded more forceful than she meant to be but she supposed April was still in one piece so that had to count for something.

“Yes, but can we talk?” April pleaded; her desperation evident.

Blair sighed heavily. “About what?”

April shrugged off Blair’s contempt and pushed forward. “I broke Sterling’s heart. I know that. I also know that you don’t like me very much, but I want to explain myself to you. I want you to know why I did what I did.”

“You have five minutes.”

That was much more generous than April was expecting. “I love Sterling, I really do. I think maybe I always have. I’m just not ready to come out and I know it’s not safe for me to come out to my parents. All of those things can be true.” April sat down on one of the couches, not sure if her legs would still work after her honest admission. “Sterling doesn’t understand the consequences of me coming out. I’ve had years to work through this, but this is all so new to Sterling and she doesn’t get it. Before the lock-in, my father came home from jail. He asked me about the both of you and it terrified me that he had somehow found out about me and Sterling. And given his history with beating women, I’m so scared that he would hurt me if he found out or that he might try to hurt Sterling.”

Blair visibly deflated and sat down next to April. Exasperated, she ran her fingers through her hair. For the first time April noticed that it appeared as if Blair hadn’t slept in days. Maybe she hadn’t. The old April Stevens would have mocked Blair for her distressed state, but this April Stevens harbored genuine concern for the sister of the girl she loved. “Look April, after this weekend I don’t have the energy to fight with you. I’m angry that you hurt my sister and that you flirted with Luke but if Sterling can forgive you for that then I’m willing to try to see past it. You’re not exactly my favorite person, but I agree with you about coming out. You can’t choose who your parents are, and you shouldn’t risk your safety. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to hide this part of yourself for so long and not have anyone to talk to about it. Its honestly impressive that you even accept yourself.”

“It wasn’t easy.” She thought of all the nights she repeated her mantra to herself in front of the bathroom mirror. _God will not smite me for being a lesbian._

“I’ll talk to Sterling, try to get Sterling to understand that.”

“Thank you, Blair.” April pulled Sterling’s homework from her bag and passed it to Blair. She felt more hopeful than ever about mending things with Sterling. If she and Blair could be civil with one another, that would be a good step in the right direction. Lost in her own thoughts of Sterling, April didn’t notice Blair make a beeline for the door. It wasn’t until Blair called her name that she even realized Blair was no longer sitting next to her.

“April!” Blair stood, one hand on the door but facing her, brows furrowed as if she were unsure about what she would say next. “If your father ever tries to hurt you, text me or Sterling and come to our house. No matter what happens.” She made to leave before stopping to say one last thing. “And if you ever hurt Sterling again, I will be the one to hurt you.” She left before April could respond. She wouldn’t have known what to say given her shock at Blair’s statement, but she felt eternally grateful. Maybe it would be okay if a few people knew that April was gay and that she was wholeheartedly in love with Sterling Wesley.


	3. Secrets That You Hid In Your Heart

Every day after school Blair met April at her locker to get Sterling’s homework and every day Blair gave her a quick update about how Sterling was doing and reminded her that Sterling was still working through things herself and would reach out when she was ready to talk. April would describe their interactions as amicable. They managed to converse without snapping at each other. Blair’s voice was kind and her eyes sympathetic. She even admitted to April that she was impressed with how honest she was during their talk on Monday and encouraged her to be patient for just a little longer.

Except April’s patience was wearing thin with how much she missed Sterling. She yearned for just a moment in the other girl’s arms. The panic attacks had taken their toll. A thick fog clouded her mind. She needed the clarity so easily delivered by Sterling’s lips. Sleep had been hard to come by despite being physically and mentally exhausted. In the early hours of the morning, she would stand in front of her bathroom mirror repeating over and over “God will not smite me for being a lesbian. He made me along with narwhals and those tiny blue poison frogs. He has a master plan.” Her hushed whispers reverberated in the confines of her bathroom with no one to bear witness to the truth within her heart. When the sun would rise, she shepherded herself back into the closet, emerging as the chaste Christian woman her father thought she was. She slid the purity ring on her finger as a reminder of everything that threatened her autonomy.

April lingered at her locker trying to think of any excuse to avoid going home, fraught with nerves at the mere thought of being stuck at home with her parents all weekend with no escape. Panic swelled inside of her, her attempts at compartmentalizing her emotions well overdue. The crowds in the hallway had mostly thinned out. A few stragglers remained so she slipped into the Fellowship room knowing it would be empty. She collapsed on the couch gasping for air like a fish out of water. To no avail, she tried to focus on her breathing as Hannah B had helped her to do during the lock-in. She searched the room looking for anything that might help her focus. But all she saw was Sterling and she couldn’t stop the choked sobs from escaping her.

She didn’t even notice the thud of Ellen’s office door closing behind her. A concerned Ellen approached her, clearly ready to leave for the weekend, but she spared no second thought to leaving April alone in her current state. Familiar arms pulled her into a hug. She clung to Ellen feeling as if she had finally broken. The burden of her self-isolation too great and her bones creaked under the weight of everything she could no longer carry by herself. Ellen was whispering to her, trying to calm the brewing storm inside of April that had finally struck land. “What’s wrong April?”

“I haven’t heard from Sterling.” Her voice is feeble. The usual timbre and confidence are gone, her meticulously sculpted armor marred from one too many damaging blows. Now April is bare, void of her protections, with no choice but to let her truth into the light.

“Oh sweetie, I’m sure she just needs a little more time. Sterling went through a very traumatic experience and that’s going to take time.”

“But that’s not why she’s not talking to me.”

“Is this about what happened at the lock-in?” April nodded. “Do you want to tell me what happened between you and Sterling?”

 _Ellen can guide us. You kissed me back. That was brave. You’ve already taken one leap. Let’s keep going. Together._ So April dives headfirst into a pool of uncertainty. She jumps with conviction. _Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, or the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you._ “I love Sterling.”

“Of course, you do. She’s your friend. You two just needed a few gentle pushes to get those feelings back.”

“We got so much more than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m in love with Sterling and I think she loves me too, but I broke her heart.”

“Oh.” Ellen was silent for a few seconds, but they felt like hours to April fearing she had made a mistake. “Oh!” She chuckled a little pulling April into another hug. “I suppose I’m not entirely surprised and I think it’s wonderful that you and Sterling have found something so beautiful together. You know, the Bible says ‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ It’s one of my favorite verses because it leaves no room for doubt that God loves us and accepts us for who we are. And like God, I love you just as you are too. That will never change April.”

 _That was brave. That was brave. That was brave._ Sterling’s words swirled around inside her brain. She was brave. She had long since recognized that her parents would never accept her for crushing hard on girls and only girls. Though April made her peace with that reality, she allowed a small piece of herself to dwell on the woes created by her parents. A naïve part of her wished that they would be as accepting of her as Ellen was.

“April, do your parents know about you and Sterling?”

“No. They can never know about me and Sterling. They can never know that I’m… gay.” She whispered. “At least not while I live under their roof.

“Okay, well this will just stay between us. Your secret is safe with me. Though you should probably tell Sterling that you told me.”

“I will whenever we talk.”

“Is there more to this story?”

“Sterling wanted us to come out and I nearly agreed to telling the world that we were together. Then my dad came from jail the night of the lock-in. He kept asking me questions about Sterling and Blair. I was scared. So, I flirted with Luke and I ignored Sterling. Then we broke off our relationship, whatever it was at that point. I just… I don’t want my dad to hurt her and after what happened with that sex worker, I wouldn’t put it past him. And now I have to go home to him and my mom for a whole weekend.”

“I really do believe that you and Sterling are going to figure this out. The two of you make a great team and you’ll make an even better one after this. But I have to ask you, do you feel safe at home?”

“For now. But I won’t if my parents find out that I’m gay.”

“I want you to promise me that if you ever feel in danger at home, you’ll let me know so I can help you. Have you considered trying therapy?”

“I wouldn’t be able to see a therapist without explaining why to my parents.”

“We have counselors here. I can drop by their office on Monday and get some more information from them if you want.”

“Do you think they’d tell my parents?”

“They can’t legally tell your parents anything without your permission. The only way they can tell your parents anything is if they think that you will try to harm yourself or someone else.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“And you have my number so if you need anything you text me. It would break my heart if something happened to you.”

“Thank you.”

The events following April’s panic attack assuaged her nerves a great deal. Now each minute bringing her closer to home stifled her newfound peace and by the time she parked her car in the driveway a cold numbness had spread throughout her body. She had experienced a semblance of independence in the absence of her father, a taste of the life she could have. She heaved her backpack and purse over one shoulder and reluctantly sprung herself back into hell. April tried to reshape her armor back into one piece, forging it from the fire that whelmed her heart and molding it to fit over the tender parts of herself which flourished with a newfound love. She prayed it would still protect her from her father.

Her parents bombarded her with questions. They wanted to know where she was, who she was with, why she was home from school so late. She had no afterschool activities on Fridays, so they had been concerned. By far, they were overreacting. “I stayed a little late today to talk to Ellen about Fellowship stuff. It was only going to be for a few minutes, but I lost track of the time.”

“That’s okay Padawan, next time just text either your mother or I to let us know.”

He smiled, sharp like the serpent’s tongue and if April wasn’t careful, he would poison her happiness. He was successful once and she would not let him be successful again. She vowed her resolve would not waver on his watch. She would keep vigil, wield the fire within her, and if necessary, she would behead the serpent herself. She put so much effort into being the perfect daughter, yet she was not worthy of their trust. She longed for the day she didn’t have to follow their rules, especially their rules on love. “Yes daddy. I’m going to go get a head start on my homework.” The serpent retreated.


	4. Falling Back Together Again

That night she received a text from Sterling asking if she could come over the following morning. Her parents would be gone for most of the day and that would give her and April the privacy they needed to talk things out. Though relieved to have heard from Sterling, she still couldn’t fall asleep that night. The anticipation for what the following day would bring kept her wide awake, unable to shut her brain off. She hadn’t seen Sterling since the lock-in and a lot had happened since then. How would she explain to Sterling how much she regretted her actions, and would Sterling even accept her apology? But she did tell April she wanted to meet, so that had to mean she was open to trying.

April completed repeating her mantra in the bathroom mirror five times in a row before giving up from exhaustion. How she managed to do this alone for so many years was a mystery. Frustrated, she curled up in bed and closed her eyes. She reflected on everything that had transpired between her and Sterling thus far, starting with the condom fiasco. Rightfully so, she felt profound shame for outing Sterling and Luke in Fellowship, envious of Sterling’s position as the Fellowship Student Leader and jealous of Luke for having Sterling in a way that April thought she never could. Being jealous of Luke, of all people, had struck a nerve. Recognizing she still harbored feelings for Sterling had made her irritated and irrational. She spent six years building and fortifying walls around her heart. Sterling was a Pandora’s box, releasing too many unresolved emotions upon being opened.

April thought about Sterling’s smile, forever emblazoned in her mind, as they were preparing for the debate tournament. Sterling Wesley had effectively demolished what remained of her collapsing walls with the wrecking ball that was her smile. Abandoned and trapped beneath the debris, mourning the remnants of her steely defenses, April considered the possibility of rebuilding before deciding that Sterling would just plow it all down again. During the debate tournament, she was quite impressed with Sterling for making it to the last round and facing off against Craig Wu, even though they had lost. Nevertheless, yelling at Sterling for losing the match was easier than opening up to her.

The first day they worked on Solomon’s Temple together, April struggled to hide her delight when Sterling complimented her power tool skills. She noticed Sterling had been behaving oddly around her, giddy even, since the debate tournament but couldn’t quite figure out why. Though she did enjoy trying to solve the mystery, creating a hypothesis and testing it. She entertained the idea that Sterling was flirting with her, but she was rather unresponsive to her ‘Never send a man to do a woman’s job.’ line. April wondered if she fit Sterling’s definition of ‘someone with a little more morphousness’.

The next day, Sterling had worn a black polka dot tank top accentuating the curves of her shoulders and her chest and April found herself hyperfocusing on painting her lambs to prevent her eyes from lingering just a little too long. Later, after she had gone home, April allowed herself to picture what it would feel like to trail her fingers up Sterling’s arms and pull the straps down, to let her lips roam on Sterling’s skin and to discover where she liked to be touched. She imagined that she could weave her fingers through Sterling’s blonde tresses and graze her lips across her neck. It was dangerous to indulge herself like that, but after six years in the closet April could no longer contain her hunger for the other girl. After all, she did crush hard. April had her first orgasm fantasizing about all the things she wanted to do with Sterling. She never imagined that Sterling would be kissing her the very next day.

April stood awkwardly outside of Sterling’s house the next morning waiting for someone to answer the door. The four cups of coffee she had earlier didn’t help her jitters. Soon she would occupy the same space as Sterling, perhaps so close yet so far away like two ends of the same molecule, each atom shared between them a person testing the strength of their bond. Blair opened the door just as she was about to knock a second time.

“April! Are you here to spread Christ’s love?”

“It’s good to see you too Blair.”

“Speak for yourself.”

April offered her a small smile and silently followed Blair inside and upstairs to Sterling’s room. “She’s all yours.” Then, “April, please don’t hurt my sister again. My heart couldn’t bear it to see her so miserable.” Blair looked to be on the verge of crying and April swore that the Wesley twins, together, would be the death of her for there was no Sterling without Blair. For Sterling, she reached out and hugged her twin, a silent covenant between the two of them that she would do right by Sterling. Without a word, she retreated to her own room.

When April’s eyes met Sterling’s for the first time since the lock-in, the rest of the world ebbed into nonexistence. Sterling was huddled under her comforter wearing an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. April could tell she had spent a lot of time crying and that she wasn’t sleeping. Whether they would resume their relationship or not, Sterling had her heart and her legs carried her to Sterling’s bed without any retaliation from her brain. Nothing else mattered, not her family nor her fear of being outed. She didn’t stop until Sterling’s body melted into her arms. For a moment it felt as if nothing had changed between them, as if she and Sterling were never adversaries for six whole years. Sterling wasn’t just an Adele. She was more than a maybe someday. She was April’s every day. 

“April,” Sterling buried her face into April’s neck, nose cool against her heated skin. “I’ve really missed you.” Hot breath prickled her skin. “Why is your heart beating so fast?”

“Partly because I missed you too and partly because I never thought I’d ever get to hold you like this again.”

They enjoyed a comfortable silence until Sterling pulled away, stating “We have a lot to talk about April. I want to be with you, more than anything, but I have to wipe the slate clean and I’m not sure if you’ll still want me after I do.”

Uneasiness settled over April, confused that Sterling thought she had done something so egregious that April wouldn’t want, wouldn’t love, her anymore. “I’m a little concerned, but I spent a lot of time thinking about us this week and I don’t want to give up on the possibility of there being an us just because of our circumstances.”

April paced around Sterling’s room cursing the coffee that provided her with too much caffeine. Sterling’s eyes followed her every move, one of the very few things she could make out through the whirring of her thoughts in her brain. _Kidnapping. Dana. Twin. Adopted. Bounty hunters. Dad. Jail… Love._ April was in overdrive processing everything Sterling confessed to her. Sterling was kidnapped and April was thankful she was okay, mostly. Blair wasn’t her biological twin, but she would always be her sister, adopted or not. Sterling and Blair were bounty hunters and ripped her family apart by taking her father to jail. Sterling thought she loved her, maybe since fifth grade. She repeated the thought process over and over and over until it made more sense. Her heart deflated every time she got to the part about her dad but inflated when she got to the part about Sterling loving her. Did Sterling’s love and wellbeing outweigh tearing her family apart? This certainly complicated their relationship, be it as friends or lovers, in regard to her father. She weighed all her options, debated the consequences, and weighed all her options again. The balance always tipped in Sterling’s favor.

“I’ve finished thinking.”

“And?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not happy about you being responsible for sending my dad to jail. You tore my family apart.” April shook her head and sighed heavily. “But my dad would have gone to jail anyway and there were certain freedoms I enjoyed in his absence that I don’t want to give up just because he got out of prison. So, I still want to be with you.” She rejoined Sterling on her bed taking one of her hands into her own. “If we do this Sterl, you have to understand that I cannot be out publicly. My parents cannot find out. I’m truly terrified of what my dad would do and your bounty hunting adventure to our lake house complicates that.”

“About that. I’m really sorry that I pressured you into coming out. Blair really helped me understand all the coming out stuff this week, especially in conservative religious communities, and I don’t ever want to put your safety at risk. You should come out when you’re ready.”

“So does that mean you’re willing to give this another shot?”

“Yes. One hundred percent yes.”

“Now would probably be a good time to tell you that I think Ezekiel knows about us and I also told Ellen. They were both very supportive so we wouldn’t have to hide from everybody.”

“I’m so proud of you April.”

Overwhelmed with the emotional and mental gymnastics of the day, April crumpled into Sterling’s arms. She cried for Adele who left her in second grade, and she cried for every Adele who came after. She cried for the April who learned how to accept herself alone in the darkness of her room and she cried for the April who couldn’t yet be out and proud with Sterling. As April cried in her arms, Sterling finally began to understand the true burden that April had been carrying alone all these years and just how terrified she was to come out. She pulled April down onto the bed and covered her with a blanket. For now, she could be strong for April as April had been for her. She prayed silently to God for April’s safety, that the girl she loved would not suffer at the hands of her family, and that they could enjoy moments such as these together to explore the love between them. April prayed for the strength to be her true self, to be honest with those she could, and for her parent’s to hopefully accept her one day. Pandora’s box was open, Sterling was the key, and she knew she could never shut it again.


	5. Foreigner's God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mild homophobia

John Stevens always cites the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in the Book of Genesis as biblical affirmations against homosexuality. April can no longer recall how many times she has sat through this one-sided discussion burning with the knowledge of her own homosexuality. She doesn’t speak, just nods her head in agreement, and bites her tongue to prevent herself from saying something she knows she’ll later regret. The counterargument is quite simple, she thinks. The story Sodom and Gomorrah is about rape and Lot preventing the men in the city from raping the angels to whom he showed hospitality to, something her father always neglects to mention. Modern interpretations also conveniently forget to mention that the word ‘homosexual’ didn’t exist when the Bible was written. She doesn’t voice any of her thoughts, perhaps she never will, so she steels herself for another one of her father’s tirades about the gays as they drive to church.

In the Book of Exodus, the Egyptians oppressed the Israelites for being prosperous by enslaving their people and killing their sons. God speaks to Moses through a burning bush and instructs him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into a land flowing with milk and honey and Moses receives three signs from God. But when Moses returned to Egypt the Pharaoh refused to let the Israelites go and increased their work by making them find their own straw to make bricks. As a result, the Israelite overseers were beaten for not making their quota. April thinks of this as she counts the months until she will no longer live under John Stevens’ roof. She feels blessed that she can now count the months, where before she was counting the years. Yet like the straw the Israelites used to make bricks her own fortitude is wearing thin at the hands of her father, who hasn’t the slightest suspicion that his firstborn, and only child, is one of the gays that he so vigorously despises. As he rants about ‘that disease’, she digs her nails into the side of her leg to focus on anything other than the cold dread spreading through her body like thin ice on a lake. April feels particularly disheartened as she and her parents make their way to their pew at the front of the church. For a moment, she locks eyes with Sterling and her heart is once more renewed with hopefulness as Sterling flashes her a tender smile that makes her feel as if stars are exploding in her stomach. April takes this as a sign of God’s love.

After the service, Luke approaches April and asks her if she’d like to go on a date with him sometime. He mentions something about their mutual love for Star Wars, her flirting with him at the lock-in, and testing out another circumstance. She had been purposefully avoiding Luke for the entire week, which he hadn’t picked up on and thus still thought she was available to him. Feeling guilty for leading him on, she apologizes and explains, “I’m really sorry Luke. I’ve realized that I’m not interested in dating boys.” It’s more of the truth than she cares to reveal but she knows that Luke will not understand the veiled meaning behind her words, and no one is close enough to hear her admission. He tells her he understands but he sulks away looking dejected. In the car, April’s father questions her about the interaction and she dismisses him by simply stating that Luke is not her type. _This is also not a lie_ , she silently tells the sky. His face hardens into an unreadable expression and her mouth goes dry. She forces herself to drink some water, but every sip makes her insides twist.

That night April dreams about the time she and her father spent an entire day watching Disney movies. He had dressed her up as Princess Leia and himself as Luke. It’s memories such as these that she holds onto in hopes that her father will not forsake her for being a lesbian. The credits for ‘The Princess and the Frog’ are rolling and a sixteen-year-old April watches on from a distance as a five-year-old April with braids in her hair beams up at her father and asks, “Daddy, does the princess always find her prince?” He chuckles, places a kiss on the top of her head and answers, “Yes, Padawan. You’ll find your prince someday too.” Though her father doesn’t see it, the smile on five-year-old-April’s face falls. She remembers wanting to ask him if a princess could ever be with another princess and even though she didn’t understand why she knew it would be a mistake to ask. Then the scene in front of her evaporates and her surroundings fade to black. She strains her eyes to see through the darkness, uncertain of where exactly she is. A light begins to rise far off in the distance faintly illuminating the face of a person she can’t make out. The light grows brighter and she realizes that the person is Sterling and they stand in a peaceful silence each one watching the other. Just as April begins to make her way towards Sterling, she notices that they are separated by a sea of frogs and with every cautious step she takes they multiply in numbers until she can’t move any more. April startles awake and sobs into the darkness.

On Monday they learn about the reproductive cycle of fruit flies and attempt to dissect grasshoppers and flies during a lab. Their teacher pairs her up with Luke and they each get five grasshoppers and five flies to practice on. They successfully mount and dissect each grasshopper and correctly identify all the organs. They move on to the flies and both she and Luke fail to properly mount the first two, accidentally tearing their bodies in half. After finally mounting the remaining three flies, they also fail to successfully remove the gut. For the first time in as long as she can remember, April receives a grade lower than an A. Luke apologizes profusely to her, horrified of how April will react to the grade, but she assures him that it’s not his fault and one lab won’t destroy her chances of getting into a good college.

She and Sterling make plans to meet in the janitor’s closet after school, desperately in need of some time alone together. They keep their public interactions to a minimum so they can safely ease into a friendship without raising the suspicions of her father, which is of the upmost importance given Sterling’s role in his recent arrest and his proclivity for violence against women. Sterling’s eyes are no longer red, and she looks less pale, so April assumes she’s crying less and sleeping more. In the shelter of their closet, April recounts her dream to Sterling and tells her about the grasshoppers and the flies and Luke asking her out and her father’s homophobic rants. She admits how much hiding their relationship hurts, how she wishes she could do simple things like smile at Sterling in church and talk to her in the hallways at school. Sterling merely listens, hugs April close to her and whispers, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Sterling holds her until it’s time for her to go home, so April focuses on the soft thudding of Sterling’s heart, memorizes the sound for the nights when she can’t sleep, and takes this as a sign of God’s love.

In a series of unfortunate events, dinner in the Stevens’ household combined with a missed recall notice is followed by three cases of food poisoning caused by an outbreak of _Salmonella_ at a chicken farm. Within hours April has a fever and her skin breaks out in a rash, a telltale sign that she will be sick for days. April and her parents confine themselves to their bedrooms, leaving only to refill cups of water or for the rare cracker they eat. Her parents have to force her to stay home from school, even though her illness keeps her rooted in bed for most of the remaining week. Her aching body shivers with chills and her head won’t stop spinning, but she revels in the freedom of texting Sterling whenever she’s physically and mentally capable. The sojourn from her parents in her own home is welcome too. On the second night, April hears rustling in her room, and she thinks she’s hallucinating as an angel looking very much like Sterling leans over her bed. There are pills in her hand and hot tea on her nightstand from which she drinks to swallows the pills. She can’t be certain what exactly happened, but the next morning she feels better and April wakes to a note in Sterling’s handwriting reading ‘Hope you feel better! I miss you! – S.’

When April asks Sterling about that night before their Bible Studies class on Friday, Sterling divulges to April that she had been so worried about her that she convinced Blair to help her sneak into April’s room by propping a ladder from their dad’s work shed against her bedroom window. Despite all the people filing into the classroom, April can’t suppress the smile and adoration that spreads across her face.

After class is over, Ellen asks for her and Sterling to hang back before going to their next class. “Oh, April! I’m so happy to see you’re feeling better. We’ve really missed you around here.” She shuffles through her folders for some papers which she hands to April and with a knowing smile says, “I was thinking that since you missed three days of school Sterling could help you catch up.” Even though she knows April doesn’t, and won’t, need the help. “Alright, well I’ll give you girls a moment alone.” She hurries off. 

As the door shuts behind her, April and Sterling both chuckle realizing what Ellen has done. “Ellen is one sly fox.” April shakes her head in disbelief.

“Yes, she is, but I’m not complaining that I get to do this.” Sterling steps closer and dips her head to kiss her the way she did on the night they spent together in the backseat of her Volt. Sterling’s lips taste like milk and honey from the tea she drank earlier, and April takes this as a sign of God’s love.


	6. How Much We Give In

Sterling “helps” April catch up on the work she missed while she was sick. Of course, she spent the entire weekend catching up, but it’s the perfect excuse to spend time together at school. Their papers and books are splayed out in front of them, forgotten as they sit in casual conversation.

“I guess Ellen moved up the timeline on our plan to make our friendship public.”

“Yeah, she’s _really_ invested in making sure we get to be together.”

April chuckles, lightheartedly, and wonders how many days, how many hours, minutes and seconds she’s spent being angry with Sterling when they could have been sharing moments like these. Even though they have to hide their relationship for now, she doesn’t want to waste any more time. April thinks back to the time Ellen forced them to hold hands before the debate. _Girls try to remember that you’re on the same team. You used to be so close_. She wishes someone would force her to hold Sterling’s hand now. “She means well. Oddly enough, I find it comforting.”

“You never told me why you decided to tell Ellen about us.” It’s a statement, but it sounds more like a question when the words fall on April’s ears and she can tell that Sterling is putting April in control of the conversation, letting her decide if she is comfortable talking about her coming out, especially in their school’s library.

“That week you didn’t come back to school hit me really hard. I used every excuse to not go home at the end of the day. I felt like I was suffocating because of my father.” She pauses and briefly scans the library and finds they’re mostly alone. The handful of people that are there have their noses buried in books on the other side of the room, so she reaches under the table to entwine her fingers with Sterling’s. Her thumb traces circles across the soft skin on the back of Sterling’s hand. April is aware of the way that Sterling’s eyes are fixed on her, yet she can’t look the other girl in the eyes. She pours all of her attention into their joined hands so she can muster the bravery to be vulnerable in front of Sterling. “I broke down and Ellen was there, and I just couldn’t keep it inside anymore… I felt so hopeless.”

When April’s eyes finally meet Sterling’s again, they are brimming with tears, a testimony to the distress April feels. Any normal teenager would be able to lean into the embrace of her friend for the comfort of a hug, but April and Sterling aren’t normal, at least not in the eyes of other people. Sterling’s usually cheerful expression is masked with a pained look that April is certain will haunt her in her dreams. “Do you think you could try to let me in so I can be strong for you?”

“I’ll try my best. It’s the least I could do for the girl who risked her life by sneaking into the bedroom of John Stevens’ daughter.” As they leave the library for their Bible Studies class, April makes a show of smiling and loudly thanking Sterling for her help. April’s face remains neutral in spite of the puzzled glances they receive from their classmates while Sterling pretends to cough to cover up her laughter. They walk to class together and already they begin to hear the rumblings of the shockwave they sent through the entire Willingham student body at the sight of April Stevens and Sterling Wesley together.

April knows that she will have the rest of her existence and whatever comes after to kiss Sterling Wesley. But untangling her entire body from Sterling’s feels like trying to excavate the oldest living tree from the earth. It’s a beautiful love story. Each new chemical element born from the previous. Protons and neutrons interwoven through time and space until they can’t cease to exist together, breaking down only to create something more wondrous. Galaxies and solar systems and the first forms of life on Earth. At their very core, April and Sterling are made of the same forces, the same elements, rooting that tree to the Earth for five thousand years. They are composed of exactly the same atoms, as was Jesus, differing only in organization. When their mortal lives are over and their bodies break down, they will return to the earth, the lifeblood of everything that remains. And April has never felt closer to Sterling, to God, and to the proof that she and Sterling are exactly who they’re meant to be.

“I really have to go now Sterl.”

“Just one more kiss.”

“You said that five minutes ago.”

“Just one more.” April gives in because hasn’t yet learned how to say no to Sterling’s breathy pleas and the lips that liberate her heart. “Do you want me to walk you?”

“We can’t be seen leaving the janitor’s closet together, but will you come meet me after?”

“Yes.”

“You’re divine.”

Any reservations April held about seeing a counselor at Willingham are silenced when she actually meets said counselor. “Hi April. I’m Dr. Sam Scott, but you can call me Sam.” A tall, redheaded woman greets her with a generous smile and ushers her inside a warm and inviting office. Her office is filled with tens of blossoming plants and smells like freshly roasted coffee beans. The dim lighting against the brick walls reminds April of an early morning sunrise when the light just barely reaches over the horizon. It seems like a perfect reflection of the woman sitting across from her. Sam doesn’t speak until she’s taken stock of her surroundings. “I hope that you don’t mind, but Ellen and I spoke a bit about your conversation with her a couple weeks ago.”

“That’s okay. She had my permission.”

“I’d like to hear about what’s been going on from your perspective, in your own words.”

“Well…my father…are you going to tell my parents I’m here?”

“No.”

“Are you going tell them that I’m gay?” The word is barely a whisper, but even in this office that feels like a completely separate world from Willingham with a woman who already knows enough about her to let her retain control of their conversation, April is beyond terrified to use that word to describe herself here. Terrified that her father will somehow hear about it, irrational as it is.

“April, nothing you say in this office leaves, literally. The walls here are so thick you can’t hear a peep outside and I have a white noise machine outside the door. Ellen and I tested it the other day.” She takes a sip of her coffee and continues, “This is a place where you can be your authentic self. You can say the word ‘gay’, you can talk about your sexuality, about dating, about coming out. You can talk about whatever you want. My job is to make sure you get the support you need.”

“So, are you going to ask me a bunch of questions and I just answer them?”

“Is that what you want me to do?”

“No.”

“Would you rather it feel as if we’re just having a conversation?” April nods her head in agreement. “What would you like to tell me about?”

April considers all her options. She isn’t ready to ruin her day by talking about her father and the eventual fallout that will occur between her and her parents after she comes out. The overwhelming fear she feels when they ask her about dating boys. April’s heart is still in that janitor’s closet with Sterling, full of love as great as the number of stars in the universe. Mesmerized by eyes that look as if they could have been carved from larimar stone.

So April spends thirty minutes gushing to Sam about Sterling and the developments in their relationship since Sterling first kissed her, leaving out the parts where they sneak into the janitor’s closet to cuddle and kiss. Its cathartic to let the words flow, to vocalize her feelings for Sterling in a place free of judgement and intolerance. Sam doesn’t interrupt her, except to tell her that Sterling sounds like a lovely person with an encouraging smile which makes April explode with pride for the girl that she loves. When their session is over, they make arrangements to meet the following week and Sterling is already waiting for her in the hallway. She’s so happy that she nearly jumps into Sterling’s arms, engulfed in the essence of everything that is quintessentially Sterling, a wondrous mixture of all the right atoms.

They pull apart when they hear footsteps approach, thankful that it’s only Ellen. April blushes harder than she crushes on girls, on Sterling, at having been caught sharing an intimate moment. She smiles around a fig newton and simply states, “I always said you girls were on the same team.”


	7. Lovers In The Dark

For one of their first dates, April and Sterling grabbed pizza for dinner and recreated their first trip to the Fun Zone. Sterling had declared skee ball and laser tag as ‘their thing’ and she was so excited about it that April hadn’t the heart to say no or to suggest something else, even something offering them a little more privacy. With Debbie and Anderson Wesley thrilled at the rekindling of their childhood friendship and thus needing only to deceive one set of parents, their weekly trysts would proceed relatively unrestricted. She was truly surprised that their secret relationship was much easier to juggle when a few people were actually in on the secret.

Arms wrapped around each other and giggling, they stumbled to Sterling’s Volt for their usual backseat activities. But it took one ill-timed text from her father asking her when she’d be home to send April into a panic, suddenly afraid that he knew she was out with Sterling and not studying with Ezekiel and Hannah B. Since his release from jail he had taken more of a vested interest in her life trying to worm his way into every aspect of it, as if he were trying to make up for the time they lost during his imprisonment while simultaneously pretending that he had never been imprisoned in the first place. His relentless questioning of her classes, activities, and friends made April feel as if she were the one being interrogated for her crimes, which amounted to nothing more than loving another girl. John Stevens was that one cloud in the sky on an otherwise sunny day and his pervasive existence was a reminder of just how careful she and Sterling needed to be. This was not how she expected their first date to end.

For April, the worst part was the feeling she couldn’t breathe enough air into her lungs and the accompanying chest pain, a physical manifestation of how suffocating it felt to be John Stevens’ gay daughter. The depersonalization was the second worst part, knowing that Sterling was next to her frantically trying to calm her down but unable to clearly focus on any of it, a spectator in her own body. It reminded April how lost she felt existing in a world where she hadn’t known how Sterling could heal her with just one touch, how she could carve out every fear and doubt that April had. She had given April’s life meaning and it was no longer enough to just survive on faith alone. She needed Sterling and she needed to explore the parts of herself that she spent too long hiding from her family.

The first tangible thing she remembered feeling was the weight of Sterling’s body on top of her own, becoming suddenly transfixed on the sight in front of her as a shirtless Sterling reached behind her back and unclasped her bra, letting it fall to the floor. April stared in wonderment, stunned by how striking Sterling’s body looked swathed in moonlight. She was pulled from her daze when Sterling whispered for April to sit back and relax, breath ghosting across her ear and neck, the sensation penetrating through her skin down to her nerves. April’s heart rattled against her ribs, her hands trembled on the top of Sterling’s thighs, and her breathing was erratic for entirely different reasons. Her only worry not getting enough of Sterling.

Sterling positioned one of April’s hands over her heart, her heartbeat hammering against the delicate touch of April’s fingertips. She swiftly unbuttoned April’s shirt and removed it along with her bra and similarly placed her own trembling hand over April’s heart. “Don’t focus on anything except our hearts beating, together.” There was a tenderness in Sterling’s eyes mixed with equal amounts of desire and April had never felt so exposed and vulnerable pinned under those blue eyes. A magnetism drew their bodies together, what was likely a once latent force between them for years now thriving on their lust. “I want you April.” And there had been no doubt in April’s mind that Sterling wanted her as much as she wanted Sterling.

The silent atmosphere of the Volt filled with heavy breathing, moans and whimpers as Sterling’s bare chest pressed against her own, their lips moving together in slow motion savoring the taste of a passionate kiss, their hands on an expedition of the other’s skin. Sterling Wesley half naked on top of her had been the ultimate panacea, rescuing April with her love. She thought of nothing but Sterling and letting her hands roam the landscape of Sterling’s body, thankful for the autumn days that darkened early and concealed them from the outside world. She wished she could give Sterling something better than the backseat of her car, like warm blankets and soft pillows and a cozy bed and the safety of a home. She wished she could give her a love story that could exist outside of the darkness.

April continued her expedition, lips journeying across Sterling’s skin to replace her hands on Sterling’s breasts. She never imagined that the fantasy she conjured up after the day they spent working on Solomon’s Temple together would come to fruition, at least not that soon, or that her arousal would be so much greater than when she was alone with her thoughts in the middle of the night. Sterling’s head tilted back, long blonde hair gently tickling April’s hands as they moved upwards. Sterling’s own fingers dug into April’s neck, back, shoulders, wherever they could cling to, sinking her nails into the rippling muscles below. April continued to devour her, each exhale of her name that escaped Sterling’s lips directing her mouth and hands where to go. She decided she would definitely start lifting more, though it was with ease that she maneuvered herself on top of Sterling. It seemed almost unreal how she burned with passion like lava. She would burn the world if it meant she could love Sterling openly. That night she did ravage Sterling and it pleased her that Sterling never thought her desires were too much, that she kept begging April for more as she squirmed in pleasure beneath her. She liked that April was intense and it showed. When April had finished, she stared in shock at the purple and red bruises dotting Sterling’s abdomen and chest like stars in the sky. “Sterl, I’m so sorry. I lost control…I didn’t mean…”

She was cut off by a gently placed finger to her lips. Sterling looked down at her body, fingers tracing each bruise delicately as if she were committing them all to memory, mapping them like constellations. Her neck and face were flushed a brilliant shade of red and she looked at April with such adoration as she spoke. “Don’t apologize April. That was amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever been so turned on.” She pulled April close to her and they nestled together in the cramped backseat of the Volt for a while, Sterling threading her fingers through her hair. As much as April enjoyed the moments when she and Sterling were mere seconds away from losing all their inhibitions and taking that last step together, she also relished in the moments when they could take pleasure in the simple acts of love. She was content to hold Sterling’s hands, stare into her eyes, and enjoy sharing the same space as her. Those were the moments that never lasted long enough for April and left her yearning for the future they could have together.

When April returned home from their date that evening, she could feel her heart was very much not with her, but with a girl whom she couldn’t even admit she loved outside the confines of her own bedroom. She missed Sterling’s warmth and reminiscing in their night together only made her feel lonely. High on dopamine and adrenaline, her body hummed with a carnal need for release, without which she would not be able to relax. She undressed herself and examined her body in front of the mirror. Her hair was a tangled mess, red scratches spanned the top of her shoulder to her mid-back. Some were even bleeding slightly. April hadn’t pegged herself as the type of person who enjoy rough foreplay, but the scratches were proof that Sterling Wesley was hers and she savored the thought that Sterling’s fingerprints covered her body. She never could have imagined how exploring Sterling’s body like that with her hands, her lips, her tongue, uncovering the things that made her moan April’s name would be so stimulating. Looking at herself, April was incredibly lucky her parents didn’t see her come in as she would have no excuse for why she looked the way she did. She stepped into the shower, hot water streaming down her body, and let the sound of the running water extinguish her own cries of pleasure.

Emerging from the shower feeling more relaxed, April still couldn’t shake the way she missed Sterling even though they had spent a few mostly uninterrupted hours together. Her room felt too empty and her bed felt too big. She wished to be wrapped up in Sterling’s arms again. She chanced an impromptu FaceTime and prayed that Sterling would answer. When she did, April noticed that her face was still flushed. “You look radiant.” She loved how Sterling would become a little bashful whenever April complimented her. “I’m sorry for the surprise call. I just really needed to see you again. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you leaving and I can’t stop thinking about earlier.”

Sterling’s face lit up with a sappy smile. “Neither can I. If that’s your definition of ravage, then I want you to ravage me all the time. It’s like I can still feel you on my body and I’m still _extremely_ turned on.”

Her face turned a deeper shade of red and April felt a surge of pride because of the effect she had on Sterling. “So was I. I had to take a shower when I got home. It was very…relieving.”

“I was about to solve my problem myself but then my girlfriend called me.”

“Maybe you could now?” The shock on Sterling’s face was palpable. April enjoyed making Sterling speechless a little too much.

“Over FaceTime?” April nodded her head. “April Stevens, you are full of surprises, but good surprises. Very good surprises.”

She gave Sterling the flirty half-smile she knew made her weak and settled into her pillows. “I’ll just sit back and relax then.”


	8. It's Harder To Pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized as I was writing this that it may seem as if part of the story is left out. That's because I will eventually write a Sterling-centric companion to this work which will fill in all the blanks.

April spent a lot of time during the next few days thinking about sex, especially about sex with Sterling. The events that had ensued after their first date consumed her and concentrating on anything else had proven to be a challenge. This was exacerbated by Sterling’s revelation that her parents would be out of town for the weekend ‘in a fortnight’. She chuckled inwardly at Sterling’s choice of words, but this opened up a unique opportunity for them to be together that did not involve being cramped into the backseat of one of their cars. And although Sterling did not explicitly say that she wanted April to spend the weekend, the suggestive look in her eyes certainly implied that it was expected. So, April added _that look_ to her mental list of inappropriate things she could not stop thinking about at inappropriate times, like during Spanish class, or Fellowship, or church, or dinner with her parents. She toed a dangerous line by letting her mind wander in that way, but she still excelled in all of her classes and it definitely beat listening to her parents rambling on about whatever they decided was a suitable topic for dinner conversation.

“April? April!” Her mother’s voice penetrated through the vortex of her thoughts.

April’s head shot up at the shrill sound, her mother making no attempt to hide her irritation that for four nights in a row she had to scold April for not paying attention at dinner. Dinner was family time, as she aptly put it, and her parents were well aware of April’s increasing absence, both physically and mentally speaking. Thankfully, they were unaware of where exactly her thoughts were wandering to. “What?” Her mouth gaped open and a light blush tinged her skin. April thanked her past self for deliberately wearing her hair mostly down for the purpose of hiding the way her skin and ears flushed that deep shade of red whenever she had less than innocent thoughts about Sterling. At the very least she could explain her flushed cheeks as nothing more than being too warm.

“Did you hear anything I said?”

“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just a little distracted. I have an exam coming up.” She reminded herself that she technically didn’t lie, even if said exam was three weeks away.

“Your mother was talking to one of the women from our church, Mrs. Harris. Her son Ethan goes to Willingham. She was hoping to set him up on a date with a devout, Christian girl and your mother suggested that you could go on a date with him. I think it would be a good idea.”

“Wait. What?” April wondered if this would be the moment that she inadvertently outed herself. She imagined she looked as disgusted as she felt at the thought of going on a date with a guy she barely knew. She had classes with Ethan over the years, but she didn’t talk to him at school or know anything about him. She reasoned she could probably justify the horrorstricken look on her face as pure shock about the set-up or being upset that her parents had wormed their way into her dating life without her permission. This was a curveball she never considered to prepare for and it astonished April just how much her parents wanted her to date when her father had been the one to give her a purity ring, not that she put much stock into an adulterer preaching about purity. Of course, if they knew about the things she did to Sterling Wesley last Friday then they would feel quite differently about her dating.

“It’s this Friday night.”

“No.” April shook her head. She would not go. Sterling planned to take her on a date Friday night. She wouldn’t do that to Sterling. She promised herself she wouldn’t let her father, the serpent, poison her happiness again. “I told Hannah B I’d help her study for our anatomy exam.” The excuse was weak, April knew it before she could stop the words from escaping her lips, but she couldn’t tell them truth. The lies would stop one day, but not this day.

“April, you’re going.”

“Please, don’t make me.” The words died in throat. There would be no mercy for April Stevens. Her mother’s stony expression sealed her fate.

“You can help Hannah B another time.”

April barely managed to finish the rest of her dinner. As soon as she was excused, she made a hasty retreat for her room, unable to spend another second with her parents. All of her practice in the art of compartmentalization couldn’t save her in that moment. Locked in her bathroom, she wept. How would she manage to keep her sexuality a secret if her mother kept setting her up on dates with random guys from their church? Surely, at some point, someone would notice that she harbored no attraction towards men. With her streak of good fortune ending, that person would likely be her mother or her father. And how would she tell Sterling? April could already picture the wounded look that would cloud her gentle blue eyes and break April’s heart. She could think of no way out of this situation that didn’t include outing herself to her parents, which was absolutely not an option. On the other hand, April reasoned, if she went on the date and told her parents it didn’t go well and that she wasn’t ready to date yet then perhaps that would keep her off their radar and she could safely continue in her relationship with Sterling. And because she was such a devout Christian girl, as everyone liked to inform her, and because she was ‘saving herself’ for marriage, no one would question her prudish attitude towards a boy. From the hallway, her parents’ muted voices drifted through the space separating her from them. It sounded as if they were arguing about her, but April couldn’t make out the words. Everything was too overwhelming, so she closed her eyes and prayed. “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

To say that Sterling was displeased about her impending date with Ethan Harris would be an understatement. April met her early that morning in the janitor’s closet to break the news. She considered texting Sterling. She figured it would be easier, but Sterling didn’t deserve that, and April promised she would be open with her. In a world where so many people seemed determine to tear them apart for simply loving one another, April didn’t want to make it any easier for them. And she didn’t want to keep secrets from Sterling when they were already tangled in so many lies. She expected Sterling to be upset, but she didn’t expect Sterling to storm away and ignore her every attempt to discuss the matter. It reminded her very much of the way she stormed off after the debate tournament and had the roles been reversed, April conceded that she probably would have reacted the same way though the thought didn’t lessen the ache in her heart at watching Sterling walk away from her. April recounted to Sam everything that had happened since her date with Sterling, in a PG-13 manner, to the calamitous dinner with her parents to the moment Sterling walked out of the janitor’s closet. Wearied from the stress, April let out a sigh. “I understand why Sterling is so upset, but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I didn’t have a choice in all of this. It’s not like I’m thrilled to have been set up on a date with a guy while my girlfriend and I are trapped in the closet because my parents are hateful bigots and it’s not safe for me to come out.”

“April, it sounds like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place and you’re putting a lot of blame on yourself for what has happened. Perhaps you could try to give yourself some of the compassion that you’re not receiving from your parents or from Sterling, at the moment.”

“What do you mean?”

Sam chuckled lightly. “I’m saying you should be kind to yourself April. You have overcome a lot of obstacles to accept who you are, even if you can’t come out, and to be truthful about your feelings for Sterling. If a friend had come to you with something like this, you wouldn’t place blame on them. You would support them. You deserve to be supported and you deserve compassion, from others and especially from yourself.”

“I suppose trying to be kind to myself wouldn’t kill me.”

“Let’s practice now. What’s one thing you do to help you get through a difficult time?”

“I pray.”

“So, let’s pray.”

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

Ethan showed up to April’s house just before six on Friday. Her parents invited him in and made casual conversation for a few minutes, excited for their daughter to be going on a date. Ethan was ruggedly handsome, April thought. At least straight girls would easily swoon over his green eyes framed by a sharp jawline and shoulder-length dark hair. He clearly worked out and the shirt he wore pulled tight across his broad shoulders, accentuating his muscles. He had a kind smile, almost like Luke’s, and his voice was deep. Academically speaking, Ethan was decently intelligent, but nowhere to the extent of Sterling and April. All things considered, April figured the date would probably be bearable, except for the fact that she’d rather be going on her date with Sterling. After exchanging pleasantries, Ethan snaked an arm around April’s shoulder to escort her out of the house, which she shrugged out of. She explained to Sterling, over text since they were still on thin ice, that she wouldn’t let Ethan touch her or kiss her and April planned to keep it that way. “Leave room for Jesus Ethan.” She flashed her father an innocent smile and he beamed with pride that April was being so chaste.

The drive to the restaurant was filled with awkward silence. April got the impression that Ethan was not thrilled to be on a date with her either, which made her curious as to why they were on said date to begin with. As they took their seats and ordered food, the tension began to dissipate. Ethan was first to break the silence. “There’s something I need to tell you April, about why we’re on this date.”

“And here I thought my parents were just trying to make my life miserable.” She knew there was a catch.

“My mom caught me kissing a guy from a public school in my bedroom. My parents were supposed to be at work until after dinner, but my mom came home early and found us. They think you can help set me straight because you’re a ‘good Christian girl’ as everyone like to say.”

“I really wish people would stop using that phrase to describe me.” But then her stomach began to twist in knots as her brain registered Ethan’s words. Of course, her parents wouldn’t give a second thought to using their daughter in this way. And if her parents ever found out about her before she had a chance to get out from under their roof, this could easily be her, or worse. The thought of that sickened her. She wondered how much more they would have to suffer before they could be free to just be themselves. “Ethan, you can tell your family that our date went well, but I can’t date you because I like to kiss girls. Well, really only one girl, but you know what I mean. And if we ‘dated’, that would only draw unnecessary attention to myself and potentially to my girlfriend and I just can’t risk that.”

“It’s okay, April. I wouldn’t ask you to do that. I’ve accepted whatever my future holds for me at this point. And I’m not here for me. I don’t need to be saved, at least not in the way my parents think that I do.”

They continued to converse over dinner. Despite the ill-intentions of their date, April found it comforting to talk openly with someone about her relationship with Sterling and Ethan told April about his boyfriend and how they met. Their spending time together would seem so natural, if only April could forget why they were there. “If you’re interested, I could probably find someone who’d be willing to date you as a cover to help with your family.”

“I do appreciate that, but I don’t think it’d be very fair to the lady, myself, or my boyfriend.”

“No, but what’s happening to you isn’t fair either.” He reached across the table and took April’s hand in his own. For just this moment, she allowed it.

"It’s my cross to bear. I’ve made peace with that.”

“Numbers 6: 24-26. The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

“Don’t hide too much of yourself from the world April. You’re a good person and a good Christian and you deserve for the world to see that.”

“Don’t let them break you.”

When April arrived home, her mother and father were waiting for her in the living room to inquire about her date. They wanted to know if Ethan was a gentleman, if he held the door for her and if he paid for dinner, if he kissed her goodnight, and if he was respectful. It was all very overwhelming, the expectations that they had. Not once did they ask if she enjoyed herself. “Ethan is very kind. He’s a good person and a good Christian, but I’m just not interested in dating boys right now. And when I am, I promise that I will not allow a man to touch me before I’m married.” Or ever, she thought. They seemed content with her answer though and that would have to be enough for now.

Once safely locked in her room, April FaceTimed Sterling. Their semi radio silence was killing her, and she desperately needed to hear Sterling’s voice. She picked up on the first ring, but didn't say anything, and April wondered if Sterling just didn't know what to say or if she still didn’t want to talk to her. “Sterl, please talk to me. I really need you to talk to me.”

Sterling released a small sigh and she can see how pained the other girl looks. In one week, she would be holding Sterling the way she wished she could now. “I’m sorry April. I’m sorry I was so terrible to you about this. I should have supported you.”

“You should have, but I understand why you were upset.”

“It’s more than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I realized this is the price of living in the closet, at least in part. And that didn’t sit well with me. I have a lot to learn about being closeted.”

“I’m so sorry Sterl.”

“I don’t blame you April. I’ll go broke loving you until the day we can come out if that’s what it takes.”


	9. Comfort Me

When Ethan walked into their biology class on Monday, relief flooded April. The remainder of her weekend not spent with Sterling was spent worrying about whether or not Ethan was safe with his family and she worried about how far they were willing to go to ‘help’ Ethan. The idea of her and Sterling being caught by either of their parents gave her the heebie-jeebies, but she shook that thought from her mind. What mattered was that Ethan was in school and he looked well, given the circumstances. He smiled and said hello to her before taking his seat next to Lorna in the back of the room, who started flirting with him the moment he sat down. “You’re barking up the _wrong_ tree horny Lorna.” She muttered under her breath with an eye roll. But by Friday, Ethan was gone, and April could not contain the panic that rose in her chest when their teacher told her that Ethan was no longer enrolled at Willingham, seemingly unconcerned. She nearly sprinted for the janitor’s closet praying to get somewhere private before losing control of her emotions. No one could witness April Stevens breaking.

Blair Wesley tentatively entered the room only a few seconds later, having sensed that something was off with April, who only risked going to the janitor’s closet if she were meeting Sterling. And Blair knew that was not the case. She caught April just as her legs gave out from beneath her and though Blair was not as fond of April as Sterling was, she felt an overwhelming amount of sympathy for her. If Blair had known all that April had endured over the years at the hands of her parents, their prejudices unknowingly directed at their own daughter, Blair likely would have been kinder to April. Besides Blair, April was Sterling’s person, which by default made April her person too. Her and Sterling’s relationship had been stronger than ever, and Blair vowed she would do anything for Sterling, even if it involved helping April. So here she was holding herself to that promise. “I’ve got you April.” She helped April to the floor and cradled her shaking body against her own. The act felt foreign to her, but April didn’t protest the show of affection. Instead she clung to Blair. “What happened?”

“Ethan is gone.”

April didn’t need to define ‘gone’ for Blair to know what April was implying. The haunted look in April’s eyes chilled Blair to the bones with a raw terror she’d only felt when Sterling was kidnapped by Dana. “I’ll text Sterling.”

They sat in silence as the minutes passed, waiting for Sterling. Blair and April sat shoulder to shoulder, Blair holding her hand. Not once did she let go of April’s hand nor did she complain if April squeezed too tightly. She felt an unexpected sense of security in Blair’s presence. Twice now, one of the Wesley twins had helped bring April back from the depths of her despair, albeit in vastly different ways. Recently, every time April had been at her lowest, someone was there to help her through it. When Moses led the Israelites out of Sinai, he realized that he couldn’t carry the burden of his people alone. Their struggles were too great for just one man. So, God had taken some of the Spirit from Moses and put it on seventy chosen elders from the tribes to help Moses lead the Israelites through the desert. She too, had reached her breaking point, realizing the burden of a closeted life weighed too much for her to carry alone. She didn’t need seventy people, but she did need some people and for once April felt like she could share her burden with the people around her. Sterling and Blair. Ezekiel and Hannah B. Ellen and Sam. And maybe Luke, but not until after he got over her rejection and she had a chance to explain everything to him. She wondered if this was part of her master plan.

“Blair?” Sterling’s face peeked into the closet from the hallway.

“We’re in here.”

“Am I living in some alternate reality?”

“Shut it, Sterl.” Blair would be nice to April, but she didn’t necessarily want to discuss the matter at that moment.

“What’s the emergency?”

“Ethan.”

Sterling’s face lit up at the mention of Ethan’s name. “Oh! I was actually looking for April when I got your text Blair. Ethan gave me a letter yesterday and he asked me to give it to you today.” She dug the envelope out of her bag and handed it April, settling down beside her.

“I don’t understand.”

“I think you have to read it to understand.”

April ripped open the envelope and began to read.

_April,_

_I’m sorry that I couldn’t say goodbye to you in person. I didn’t want anyone to see us talking and start asking questions. You’re in a difficult enough position as it is so I decided to give this letter to Sterling. I hope you don’t mind. Nick and I had a plan in case our parents ever found out (his parents would really like to be in the Straight-Straight Alliance, so…), but we prayed it wouldn’t come to that. We were wrong. By the time you read this letter, we should be past the Georgia border. For now, I won’t tell you where we’re going because I don’t want you to have to lie more than you already are, but I promise you that we’re safe and I’ll be in touch._

_People like us carry a great burden. I know that you know this. But don’t forget that you’re not alone. From what you told me on our date, you have a pretty awesome girlfriend with an equally annoying sister and some amazing friends who support you. Let them help you, lean on them when you need it. Don’t hide too much of yourself from the world and don’t let them break you. And never forget that you’re a good Christian._ _The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace._

_I have faith that we’ll both find peace in our lives._

_Ethan_

The end of the school day could not come quick enough for April, Sterling, and Blair, all three of them excited for a weekend alone, their spirits lifted knowing that Ethan was safe. April was even looking forward to spending more time with Blair. It was inevitable that any future she forged with Sterling would also involve Blair, so she would make every effort to get to know Blair as well as Sterling did. How the times had changed, she mused. Convincing her parents to let her spend the weekend with Hannah B had also been an easy task as they seemingly wanted to make up for the events of the previous week and their only requirement was that she make it to church on Sunday. “Sterl, are you sure we don’t need to get anything at the store for this weekend?”

Sterling reached for her free hand and held it in her lap. April loved how soft Sterling’s fingers felt as they traced over her skin. She prayed to God every night to be blessed with more of these blissful moments with Sterling, to give her hope for a future where they wouldn’t have to build their relationship on stolen glances in the school hallway and late-night phone calls and weekends without parents. “No. My parents got us everything we need so the only thing I need is you.” April turned onto Sterling’s street and pulled into the driveway, parking behind the Volt. “I hope that you don’t mind, but I told my parents you were spending the weekend.”

“It’s okay, Sterl. You shouldn’t have to lie to them about everything. As long as they don’t tell my parents I’m here.”

“Well I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that. They don’t particularly like your father.”

“Then we have something in common.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

April silenced her with a kiss. “It’s okay to talk about my father. Not this weekend though.”

April and Sterling carried their things inside and up to Sterling’s room. It felt like ages ago since April had been there professing her love to Sterling and trying to make amends for the lock-in. So much had changed in their relationship since then, psychically and emotionally. Everything around them was changing as well and they nearly drowned in the riptide. They could both be rash when the boat rocked, and it seemed that sheer luck kept it from tipping over. They needed a carefree weekend together to be themselves, without hiding or pretending that they were nothing more than good friends. April closed the distance between her and Sterling, caressing Sterling’s cheek as she had done at the Fun Zone. Then she kissed Sterling as softly as the autumn leaves fall to the ground. And though the kiss was not as fervid as when April ravaged Sterling, it left her breathless just the same.

“Sterl?”

“April?”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting to happen between us this weekend, but I don’t think I’m ready yet…to have sex I mean.”

“April, I never expected that of you. I’m happy to just spend time with you and to hold you and kiss you.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I definitely do, with you, eventually. Sometimes my hormones are telling me to rip all of your clothes off and ravage you because I get very turned on when I think about our last date at the Fun Zone, which is actually quite often and especially during times when I really shouldn’t be thinking about that. And this isn’t about my dad, or God, or being in the closet. It’s all just so new and we have so much to learn about each other still and I don’t want to miss out on any of that by getting caught up in the sex stuff and I know I’m rambling but I needed to get all of this out in the open.” It took April a moment to collect herself before meeting Sterling’s eyes. “Why are you laughing at me?”

“Because you’re cute when you ramble.” She takes April’s hands and pulls her in for a hug to reassure her. “We can take things as slow as you as want.”

“Alright lovebirds! It’s time for the activities to begin! I have a whole plan!” They both startle at Blair crashing through the door. “Wow. I just realized I’m really lucky I didn’t walk in on anything racy here. Anyway, get changed into comfy clothes and meet me downstairs. Stat.”

“A whole plan Sterl?” April looked at her with wide eyes.

“She’s been trying out some new things since breaking up with Miles. She kind of has the whole weekend planned.”

“I see.” She grabbed her bag and headed to the bathroom to change, wondering if she shouldn’t have been so excited earlier about spending more time with Blair. It didn’t sound as if she and Sterling would actually have time to spend together alone. Still, she had to make the best of what she had, and this was still quality time with Sterling away from her parents and their community. She gave Sterling a few minutes to change before rejoining her in her bedroom. April toyed with the promise ring on her finger, contemplating its outdated and heteronormative significance, before deciding to take it off and setting it on the table next to Sterling’s bed. “Don’t let me forget that on Sunday. My father will kill me if I show up to church and I’m not wearing it.”

“Why are you taking it off?”

“Because for now, I’m free.”


	10. Earthen Autumn Things

Blair’s planned activities consisted of watching horror movies, eating an ungodly amount of nachos, and carving pumpkins until it was dark enough to have a fire over which they would roast an ungodly amount of marshmallows. April was mostly okay with the plan though she was rightfully concerned about Blair’s eating habits and Sterling, who turned pallid at the mention of watching horror movies. April guessed Sterling wasn’t privy to Blair’s plans until now and Blair didn’t seem to notice Sterling’s apprehension as she droned on about her research into classic horror movies and the different lists and ratings she consulted to compile the watchlist. She was currently leaning towards slasher films but was open to exploring other subgenres. April and Sterling shared an uneasy look as Blair excitedly queued up _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ from 1984 and ripped open a bag of sour patch kids.

“You okay Sterl?”

“Yep. Great. Really looking forward to this.”

“You’re not very convincing, but you could cuddle with me.”

“I’d like that.”

April and Sterling settled onto the couch with pillows and blankets, making themselves comfortable. Sterling had buried her face into the crook of April’s neck before the movie even started. April worried that as the title suggested, this was bound to give Sterling nightmares. She brushed her fingers down Sterling’s hair, across the nape of her neck and to her cheek. Sterling hummed contently. “I’ve got you babe.” Sterling nestled deeper into her body and though it was selfish April figured that this wasn’t such a bad plan after all. Being engulfed in Sterling’s warmth and having the freedom to hold her close in the middle of the Wesley’s living room was not something that April could complain about. With no social norms to conform to, April felt like the most authentic version of herself, just a girl who wanted to explore her love with another girl.

Sterling was surprisingly okay during the movie until a menacing Freddy Krueger claimed his first victim. Blair, on the other hand, seemed to be enjoying the thrill and paid them no attention. April occupied the remaining seventy minutes of the movie soothing Sterling with kisses and back rubs every time she yelped or flinched at something scary, which happened quite frequently. By the end of the movie Sterling held an iron grip on April’s t-shirt and had burrowed so far into April that they were nearly one and the same. April’s heart swelled with the multitude of emotions brewing within her heart. She could picture her future, the one she always imagined for herself on restless nights, except now she had someone to share her future with. She had already sacrificed a lot for that future, and she would sacrifice so much more, but she would not sacrifice herself. She would not stay hidden forever for the sake of her parents. April’s love for Sterling was one that could be felt in the marrow of her bones. It brought her to life, and she wanted to live it.

Blair was about to start the sequel when April interrupted her. “Blair, perhaps you should explore your new hobby on your own time. I think it’s time for something that’s a little more Sterling-friendly.”

“Oh, like you’re complaining about being all wrapped up like that with my sister!”

“Blair, that wasn’t a suggestion.”

“But there’s eight more movies in the series, including a remake!”

“Blair!”

“Fine, I’ll go get the pumpkin carving station set up.”

Carving pumpkins had proven to be a much more Sterling-friendly activity than watching slasher films. Sterling’s color had returned to normal along with her smile and her melodious laughter and April delighted in coaxing that sound from Sterling’s lips however she could. They carved their shared pumpkin into a Death Star, taking turns whenever their hands got too sore. Sterling had kissed her and held her hand and hugged her without a care in the world. Showing affection towards one another in front of someone else didn’t feel daunting or suffocating for once. In fact, sharing these moments with Blair made April feel validated. She even didn’t mind that Sterling had sneakily smeared pumpkin guts on her face. This night had undoubtedly been one of the best nights of her life, though there weren’t many to compare it to except the times she spent with Sterling.

Now, huddled under wool blankets, Sterling rested her head against April’s chest as she roasted marshmallows for the both of them until they were lightly golden brown. Blair had gone to bed for the night in an effort to give them some privacy. The chirping of crickets and the crackling of fire filled the ether. The flickering flames cast shadows of light that danced across Sterling’s face and illuminated her eyes, each time grabbing April’s attention. _The Lord went ahead of them by night in a pillar of fire to give them light... and never left its place in front of the people_. Their path wouldn’t be a simple one, but April took comfort in knowing that the Lord would always be there to guide them, that He put Sterling in her life and gave her these feelings for a reason.

“April?” Sterling looked up at her, face glowing in the glimmer of firelight. She looked angelic, which was probably not a comparison she should be making, but April was at a loss for words she could use to describe Sterling. “Tell me something about yourself that I don’t know.”

“Autumn is my favorite season.”

“Why?”

“Can you imagine the way the air smells when the leaves are falling from the trees?” Sterling nodded. “I love that smell. And I love the way the air smells after it rains. It’s called petrichor. Bacteria in the soil release this chemical called geosmin and our noses are very sensitive to very low concentrations of it. Plants also release chemicals that you can smell when it rains. It’s just so earthy and I find it fascinating that something we can’t even see can have such a profound effect on our senses.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“I’ve looked it up. In case you haven’t noticed, I like knowing things.” They both laugh and April continues. “I think the world looks most beautiful when the leaves change and cover the earth in different shades of red and gold and I find the crisp air against my skin very refreshing. I’ve always thought of autumn as a promise that new life will eventually bloom. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel close to God.”

“I love that you feel that way. How many people know this about you?”

“Just you Sterl.”

After some time, they made their way upstairs to Sterling’s room, neither of them ready to sleep despite being exhausted. A certain energy radiated between them encouraging them to milk the moment for all it was worth. Sterling pulled April into her and pushed her against the closed bedroom door, their bodies pressed together. She smelled of smoke and tasted like burnt sugar, her heated skin still cool to the touch from the chilly nighttime air. April’s fingers fumbled at the hem of Sterling’s shirt searching for bare skin and when she found what she was looking for Sterling gasped loudly against her mouth. Sterling was intoxicating, so she continued, moving her fingers to Sterling’s abdomen, and smiling at the feeling of her muscles rippling below the tips of her fingers. “I want more, but I’m not ready Sterl.”

“I know. I just had this fantasy I wanted to fulfill. I hope it was okay.” April nodded and Sterling led her to the bed and lied down facing her.

"Can we talk?”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Us. How we got here.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I always thought that you and Luke would be together forever.”

“So did I.”

“What changed?”

“I did. I know you feel guilty for outing me and Luke but looking back it was one of the best things to happen to me. I was upset about our parents keeping us apart, but it ultimately led me to you.”

“When did you know that you wanted to kiss me?”

“At the debate tournament, after you yelled at me for losing. I may have unconsciously thought about you while masturbating.”

“Well, I feel honored. And I find that incredibly hot.”

“You do?”

“Like the sons of God, I also noticed the daughters of humans were beautiful.”

“April!”

“What? I may be a Christian, but I still have desires and I know how to appreciate beautiful ladies.”

“Well I hope you’ll only be appreciating me.”

“I always have.”

“I always thought you hated me.”

“Sterl, I have never really hated you. I wasn’t upset because you gave me away to Jessica’s group at recess. I was heartbroken and jealous because I loved you and you chose Luke. After a while, it became easier to pretend. I know it hurt you, but it kept me safe.”

“Do you ever think about how different things might have been if we had never stopped being friends? Like if we would have figured out our feelings for each other sooner? If we would have just been two close friends who fell in love before we even realized it?”

“No. It hurts too much for me think about us that way.”

Tears welled in April’s eyes until they fell to forge the way for fresh tears. Even in the darkness, April could see herself reflected in Sterling’s moonlight-drenched eyes. In another time, in another place, April would feel small and weak, but with Sterling she felt bravery in her vulnerability. Sterling used the hem of her sleeve to dry April’s tears and tended to April’s heart as if it were a blossoming garden. Each gentle caress mending the fissures in her heart, slowly rebuilding the foundation, placing fresh soil so each flower could grow tall and beautiful. With each kiss, she breathed Sterling’s air and tasted the absolution on her lips. The past didn’t matter anymore. Sterling forgave April for her previous transgressions and now they only had to focus on the present and the future.


	11. Obligatory "Fuck You Netflix" Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> This update is not part of the story, but you deserve more than a note. 
> 
> Hang in there, drink water, do one thing that makes you happy, and show yourself compassion. You deserve it!

Obligatory Fuck You Netflix Message:

It’s deeply upsetting to hear of Netflix’s decision to cancel Teenage Bounty Hunters, a show that so beautifully portrays positive LGBTQ+ representation and that addresses sexuality, teenage relationships, female pleasure and masturbation, racism, homophobia and so much more in the context of a southern, conservative, religious community. Never in my life have I identified with a character the way that I have with April Stevens, brought to us by the exceptionally talented Devon Hales. The first LGBTQ+ representation I remember seeing on TV when I was growing up was Tara and Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Joss Whedon had to fight the TV network to air a scene of them kissing for the first time. That was taboo for TV at the time, let alone portraying a gay teenager who is also a Christian proudly proclaiming that God will not smite her for being a lesbian, let alone that same character later telling her crush that she wants to ravage her.

Sixteen-year-old me struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality as so many of us have. At the age of 26, I still sometimes struggle with the homophobia I have internalized because of the bigoted community I grew up in (in rural Pennsylvania). And like so many I struggled to reconcile my still-developing religious beliefs with my sexuality. I was afraid to go to school because of how many times I heard the word “f*g” and I was afraid to go home because I thought I wouldn’t be accepted. I was afraid to come out because a friend who was a devout Christian, who I also crushed hard on, told me it was wrong at that I should pray so I could be “fixed”. Religion can, and has, caused a lot of trauma in our community and the continuation of April and Sterling’s story would have been monumental in beginning to address and to talk about these issues. This show has led me to address my own trauma and the sense of peace I feel now is overwhelming. I can only imagine how impactful exploring their story in the future would have been. However, whether Netflix reverses this decision, whether another network can pick up this show, or whether these stories are at the end of their road, we have had the opportunity to witness a heart-wrenching storyline in which so many of us have been able to see ourselves, past or present, represented. I’m still astounded by how REAL this story is. I needed this story at 16. I needed this story now. And I will still need this story at 36. The impact Teenage Bounty Hunters has had thus far will be everlasting, even if the show isn’t (though I think Teenage Bounty Hunters could be a story for the ages). I am incredibly grateful to the amazing people who brought this story to life and I hope that it will help pave the way for more authentic and diverse portrayals of LGBTQ+ and female-driven storylines.

I am sad, but I’m going to try waving at life like Ellen because we deserve to be seen, we deserve to be heard, we deserve to be represented and we deserve to live authentically. No matter where you are or how you identify, you will never be alone in this community. 


	12. Hope In A Hopeless Time

April woke the following morning to an empty bed, but the blankets were still warm from where Sterling slept. She didn’t get much sleep the previous night. Having Sterling curled up against her body, sleeping next to her for the first time, had her body and mind on full alert. Every small move Sterling made sent a spark of electricity through her body. A small smile had graced Sterling’s face as she slept peacefully. April passed the sleepless night whispering sweet nothings to Sterling and telling her everything she was too afraid to say in their waking hours. _I wish I could tell my family about us… I wish we could tell your family about us… I wish we could come out at school… I wish we could come out at church… I hate that I can’t give you these things…_ The clock read 1:07 a.m. _I’m terrified of my father… I lift so I can try to be strong enough to protect myself from him… I don’t know what I’d do if he ever tried to hurt you… Maybe we should run away like Ethan and Nick… What if I can’t handle being closeted until we go to college… What if you can’t handle it anymore…_ The clock read 2:31 a.m. _I hate being in the Straight-Straight Alliance. It makes me sick… I hate the Young Republicans too. I’m not as conservative as everyone thinks… Sometimes I wonder if my cover is too good… I spend so much time worrying if someone can tell I’m gay just by looking at me, even when it didn’t make sense… Sometimes I think people will know we’re a couple even when we’re just hanging out and it scares me…_ The clock read 3:58 a.m. _I think I could spend my whole life with you. You make me feel whole_.

The clock now read 8:27 a.m. and April felt sluggish from the lack of sleep as she attempted to sit up in Sterling’s bed, eyes still adjusting to the light that filtered in through the curtains on the window. She heard a paper crinkle and below her left hand lay a piece of paper with Sterling’s handwriting. ‘Good morning beautiful! Come downstairs when you wake up! – S.’ April smiled fondly and hid the note inside her backpack so she could hide it in her locker with the other note that Sterling had written to her. If they couldn’t be out, she could at least hang on to these small mementos as proof of their relationship. Her locker would serve as a safe hiding place until she could think of a place to hide them in her room that her parents wouldn’t suspect.

April fixed her hair into a messy bun before heading downstairs towards the aroma of coffee and pancakes. Sterling and Blair’s laughter carried upstairs from the kitchen. She paused halfway down, not wanting to interrupt their sisterly moment. With each descending step April felt as if she were entering a dreamscape, convinced she had dreamt about something like this before and that she was dreaming now. Her eyes landed on Sterling, who was sitting on the island talking to Blair as she tended to something on the stove. Everything else seemed to happen in slow motion. Sterling’s body shaking with laughter. The way she gracefully slid off the counter when she sensed April’s presence behind her. The dazed look that graced her features, the way she stared at April like she was an illusion of the light. April understood how Sterling felt and her eyes bore into Sterling’s as if to say _“This is real. This is all real. I am real. You are real. We are real.”_ Sterling scurried to meet April at the bottom of the stairs, throwing her arms around April in a tight hug before lifting her off her feet and spinning her in a circle. The entire world came rushing back in. April squealed like a young child as Sterling spun her around, thinking she would be happy to wake up to this every morning. Sterling captured her lips in a searing kiss that she never wanted to end.

“Alright you two! Not in front of the pancakes!”

They broke apart with a silent promise to pick up where they left off later, when they were alone. It was then that April noticed the spread of food on the table: chocolate chip pancakes, blueberry pancakes, bacon, coffee and orange juice. Definitely a feast for more than three people, even if one of those people was Blair. “Wow. Um…this is a lot of food. How are we going to eat all of this?”

“Well, we wouldn’t have so much damn food if Sterling didn’t beg me nonstop to make blueberry pancakes on top of the chocolate chip pancakes I was already making. _But_ she said they were your favorite and she’s hard to say no to, so I conceded.” She speaks nonchalantly, not taking notice to the way Sterling’s cheeks turn rosy. She likely didn’t want Blair to reveal that tidbit of information. “We can have the leftovers before church tomorrow.”

“How did you know that blueberry pancakes are my favorite?” She asked Sterling, but Blair answered.

“She interrogated Hannah B.”

“It really wasn’t like that Blair.”

“Of course it was. You asked her like twenty different questions before the poor girl could even answer the first one.”

“I don’t think that’s really what happened. You know, eyewitness accounts can often be inaccurate. Bowser even says so.”

“Your account of the events is inaccurate. Sterling, you asked her if April had a favorite blueberry brand and if she preferred organic.”

Sterling fidgeted nervously with her hands and her face flushed a deeper shade of red, looking more nervous than she did at the debate tournament two years ago. While April very much enjoyed seeing Sterling flustered and blushing because of her, she took pity on her, rising on her tiptoes to kiss Sterling on the cheek. “Thank you for doing that.” Then she turned to Blair, “And thank you for doing this.”

“Your bark is worse than your bite so no need to get sappy on me Stevens.” She placed a container or syrup and butter on the table. “Let’s eat.”

After breakfast April and Sterling helped Blair clean the dishes, the kitchen and the table before heading upstairs to Sterling’s room so April could take a nap. April joined Sterling under the blankets and curled into her body, fingers searching for the smooth skin hiding just beneath the fabric of Sterling’s top. April sighed contently the moment her fingers came in contact with the warmth of Sterling’s skin. She closed her eyes and tried not to think about how their time together was coming to an end and how she’d soon be back in her own bed, heart aching for a few more minutes of lying next to Sterling.

Sterling’s fingers twitched against her arm. April had come to realize that the nervous habit of Sterling’s meant there was something on her mind that she was itching to share. Her nap would have to wait. “What are you thinking about Sterl?”

“I’m not thinking about anything. Just get some rest.”

“Don’t lie to me. I know you’re thinking about something.”

“Do you remember when we both volunteered to help Ellen teach Sunday school?”

“Mmhmm.” That was a time April couldn’t easily forget. For years she had been struggling to accept that she was attracted to girls the way she should have been attracted to boys. She knew since Adele Meisner had left her in second grade that she was different, but she didn’t have the words to describe how she was different, and she didn’t understand why. But Sterling let April hold her hand under their blanket at Bible Camp the year before and although she thought it meant nothing to Sterling, it gave a confused twelve-year-old April the courage to start asking questions and looking for answers. She figured out the words that best described the way she felt were ‘gay’ and ‘lesbian’ and knowing the words that described her feelings towards other girls put her at ease even though it meant that she couldn’t tell anyone. She vaguely recalled her father using those words, but in a venomous and hateful manner, not in a loving and accepting way. Then she began hearing those words everywhere and it seemed as if every person to use the word ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ in a sentence thought it was a sin to identify that way. The Bible said so, according to them.

April learned that she would go to Hell for being gay and that she would spend the rest of her life alone, but when she thought of holding Sterling Wesley’s hand, she didn’t feel like she would go to Hell. Instead, she thought that she was in Heaven. So, she began to study the Bible and vowed to figure out for herself if she could be gay and a Christian. She dedicated most of her spare time to reading and researching the Bible. Late one night after her father slipped into a homophobic rant at dinner, April coined her mantra, deciding God would rather her love another girl than be a hateful bigot like her father. April also began to realize that she would have to police the way she acted around other girls, specifically Sterling, so that no one would suspect that she was gay, especially since she was getting to an age where certain public displays of affection between girls were no longer acceptable. On the last day of Sunday school, once all of the children had left with their parents and all the crafting materials were put away, April hugged Sterling for the first time since fifth grade. Sterling hugged her back, not questioning why April had suddenly hugged her. She held on to Sterling longer than she should have because she figured she’d never be allowed to hug Sterling like that again. April wanted to say goodbye to the girl who would never choose her because she had already chosen Luke. After that day, it hurt too much for April to even look at Sterling, so she treated Sterling harshly and pushed her away. The longer she pretended, the easier it became, but the aching in her heart only worsened as the days wore on like she had been cursed with her own mark of Cain.

“I was thinking about it that week after the Dana situation. I think Ellen suspected there was something between us. Ellen told me that she only needed one volunteer when she asked me if I could help. Then she let you volunteer too.”

“That’s odd because Ellen asked me if I could help her. She said you volunteered and even though we didn’t need the extra help she just couldn’t say no.”

“Why would Ellen lie about that?”

“Because Ellen is a really sly fox Sterl.”

“Huh. You think she set us up?”

“After everything that’s happened, nothing with Ellen surprises me anymore.”

“I literally don’t know what to say.”

“She’s our number one shipper apparently.”

“Who would’ve thought.”

April felt it was a blessing that so many things had changed in her life since those days. Being with Sterling made living her life significantly better. “I’ve decided that I don’t want to take a nap anymore.”

“What do you want to do then?”

A mischievous look glinted in her eyes. “Sterling Wesley, I want you to ravage me.”


	13. Wrong Feels Right

A thick fog covered the Atlanta area on Sunday morning accompanied by a light drizzle of rain and the promise of thunderstorms later in the evening. April stood staring out of Sterling’s bedroom window. The eaves of the woods by the house were barely visible through the fog. As a young child, April believed that there were monsters lurking in the mist. At night when she couldn’t fall asleep, her father would come into her room and pretend to use the Force to drive all the frightening monsters away, the memory a susurration of ages long since gone. Now the monsters lurked in her home, a Jedi Master turned to the dark side.

A quietness settled between them as they got ready for church, in part because of the dreary weather and in part because their time together was coming to an end. Only the faint pitter-patter of rain against glass broke the silence. April fiddled with her purity ring, reluctant to place it back on her finger, reluctant to fall victim to the man captaining a Death Star. She sighed heavily and bit the bullet, sliding the ring over her finger and watching her freedom wane in the process. As if sensing April’s uneasiness, Sterling came up behind her and wrapped her arms around April’s waist. She relaxed into Sterling with a sigh of contentment. In a couple hours April would be back to pretending that she and Sterling were sworn enemies and pretending she didn’t want to be cozied up next to Sterling in bed or on the couch would make the part much more difficult to play.

As a faithful Christian, April believed in signs from God, but she didn’t care to dwell on bad omens. However, this morning felt like an exception to that rule. John Stevens had spent the entirety of the past week trying to keep the peace between him and his daughter. April hadn’t hidden her distaste at being set up on a date with Ethan from her parents, especially after learning that her role was to set him straight and to help him overcome his same-sex attraction. Her father’s every attempt to rebuild their relationship only strained it further. He even went so far as to apologize during dinner for sending her on a date with a “fag”, not realizing that his daughter also “suffered from homosexual tendencies.” He puffed his chest and proudly proclaimed “The Bible says, ‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman’. It’s clear what path we are to follow. We shouldn’t have put so much faith in the idea that Ethan could change. Some people are too far gone.” He thought his words would placate April, but they made her stomach queasy and her eyes watery. She didn’t think her father would be repenting for eating bacon anytime soon. Instead, he bent the book to his will and only paid attention to what fit his narrative. When April couldn’t hold back her tears any longer, her father’s face shattered, and he embraced her in a fatherly hug. For a few moments, he was the man who pretended to be a Jedi to make her feel safe.

By the next day that illusion shattered too. His eyes grew angrier and his words more spiteful. He ranted furiously when he watched the news and grumbled loudly about his unfair imprisonment. His behavior alarmed April and she spent most of her time in her room studying and finishing her homework until her father realized that her schoolwork was taking up significantly more time since his return. He confronted April about it and that conversation also ended with April crying in her father’s arms. She managed to sweet talk him into letting her stay the weekend with Hannah B as long as she spent time with him after church to marathon some Star Wars movies.

“I don’t want to go back to him Sterl.”

“I know babe.” Sterling rested her chin on April’s shoulder. “You can come here anytime.”

“But I can’t stay here forever.”

“Would it be bad if I said that I wish you could?”

“No.” April turned in Sterling’s arms to bury her face in the taller girl’s chest. “Could you just hold me for a little bit?” Sterling pulled her onto the bed and draped a blanket over them and they laid together in silence until it was time to leave for church.

April drove separately to church but made a detour by Hannah B’s house so she could time her arrival with theirs. Her father would notice if they didn’t show up together. She lamented to no one in particular about her weekend with Sterling, a sweet taste of what her life could be like. It would be torturous knowing what domesticity with Sterling felt like, but only rarely getting to experience it. Their time alone would be further limited if Debbie and Anderson Wesley discovered April was dating their daughter, or worse, if her father discovered that one of April’s sins included making out with a topless Sterling Wesley.

April met her parents in the parking lot of their church so they could walk inside together as a family. They were adamant about showing their community that Team Stevens was stronger than ever, always overselling her father’s innocence. They took their seats as Pastor Booth began to preach and when she felt that everyone was mostly absorbed in his sermon, April pried her eyes away from her Bible and chanced a glance in Sterling’s direction. Their eyes met and April flashed her a subtle smile with God as her witness. Small steps. Pastor Booth’s sermon emphasized the need to love one another, to accept and to forgive, to forgo rushing to judgement. “So many of us are struggling right now and during these difficult times I want each and every one of you to remember the strength of the Lord’s love. Lamentations 3:22-23 says ‘The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.’ And Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.’ The Lord has blessed us all with family, friends and community to turn to in times of need and most of all He is there to guide us. All He asks in return is for our faith in Him.”

The Stevens’ opted to skip lunch at the country club to indulge in what April predicted would be an unbearable eight-hour Star Wars marathon with her father, who demanded her undivided attention. Her mother made hot roast beef sandwiches and even joined them for the first movie. The entire affair was awkward. He mother sat rigidly in one of their recliners while April and her father sat on opposite ends of the couch. April nestled under a blanket with Sergeant Bilko in her lap. April had been spending less time at home in recent weeks and he missed the affection. No one spoke through Episode IV, a rare occurrence as her father enjoyed making conversation about the stunts and special effects. Her mother left when the movie finished, citing the need to do laundry and other household chores. April mused that she could get out of spending time with her father if she feigned wanting to learn how to be a good southern housewife from her mother.

He pressed play on Episode V and as the opening credits rolled, he took the opportunity provided by her mother’s absence to fire up a conversation. “Padawan, I have to tell you something about the Wesley twins regarding the night that I was arrested.” He divulged to her the details of how they showed up at the lake house, attacked him at the dock armed with guns and how he came to in the back of their car as they took him to prison. Information that he was not aware she already knew because Sterling had told her. Schooling her features into sincere disbelief hadn’t been difficult because it astonished her that her father would admit to being arrested by two teenage girls. “I know you and the Wesley’s are sworn enemies, but I want you to keep an eye on them for me.” _My eyes are always on Sterling._ “Gain their trust and find out whatever you can.”

“I won’t let you down Daddy.

April knows she shouldn’t be excited about her father’s plan, but as John Stevens’ daughter she’s inherited a certain capacity for deceit. The idea of turning the tables on him and getting to spend time with Sterling in the process, is enough to make heart soar. She knows it’s wrong, but it feels so right.


	14. I Came Here For The Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mild homophobia

April’s life was beginning to feel like a cloak-and-dagger game of chess between her and John Stevens. She fought assiduously to protect her queen, and king, but her father was slowly and deceptively capturing her pawns. He lost once before and would stop at nothing to come out on top the second time around. He proved as much the day before. April traversed every corner of her heart and mind when sleep failed to overtake her for a solution to appease both sides. She loved Sterling, that would never change, but her parents were still her family. And because her parents were still her family every possible outcome would result in April, and likely Sterling, being capsized by harsh, billowing waves of hatred and detestation, leaving them sinking to their demise in the middle of a glaciated ocean. Her father would plunder her heart and attempt to transform it into something that no longer embodied the real April Stevens. She and Sterling had no choice but to stay their course. Only clever chicanery would protect them. This would be the fight of April’s life, the fight _for_ her life, and her pawns would need to be promoted.

April planned to meet Sterling in the janitor’s closet early before school to tell Sterling about her father’s nefarious plan to get information on the Wesley’s. She assured herself that her plan was sound and rooted in a superior understanding of John Stevens’ life and personality and her own ability to execute a double-cross. April spent her entire life trying to live up to her parent’s highest, an occasionally unreasonable, expectations. Her father would never expect April to do anything less than a perfect job. To an extent, he was right, just not in a way that he would have envisioned.

When Sterling entered the closet, she propped herself against the washer and dryer and motioned for April to come closer to her. April’s feet carried her forward into Sterling’s orbit, entranced by the girl in front of her. Her entire body relaxed when her hand linked with Sterling’s. Sterling wore her hair down in loose curls that framed her face. Vibrant blue eyes bore into her, not in a cold and piercing manner but with familiarity and awe. A delicate smile spread across her face. This version of Sterling was new territory to April and her heart bloomed with emotions she couldn’t put words to. April could only reason that it felt like something much greater than love. She had fallen more in love with Sterling and April suspected she had only scratched the surface of her feelings.

She pressed her lips to Sterling’s in an amorous kiss that set her body ablaze with sensations she didn’t know someone could ignite inside of her. Sterling tasted like a crisp autumn day, a concoction of chocolate chip pancakes and mint toothpaste and freshly roasted coffee. Like Sunday breakfast and waking up next to each other, like sleepless nights and backseat dates. Like fire, wool blankets, apple cider and rainy days spent inside. Like ravaging and being ravaged. She tasted like the colors of the earth, every shade of green and blue and red and yellow and orange. Like orchards of fruit for April to reap. Like foraging for places to fall in love.

April was so enthralled in pouring every ounce of her emotions into the kiss so that Sterling could feel the magic she felt that she hadn’t realized how one of her hands gripped tightly to Sterling’s arm or the effect that it had on Sterling. The thirsty shimmer in her eyes left no room for doubt that she had definitely felt the magic too. April wanted to partake in more magical encounters with Sterling, but she had a plan and she needed to carry said plan out with conviction and not fall prey to her festering anxieties. _Now or never_.

“My dad told me about the night you and Blair arrested him. He asked me to keep tabs on the both of you and find out your secrets.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I wish… I know this sounds fucking crazy Sterl, but we can spend time together now without him being suspicious. Instead, he’ll be suspicious if we don’t spend time together.”

“I’m not saying that I disagree with your outlook on this situation, but what are you going to tell your father when he asks you what dirt you found on me and Blair?”

“Well…in this scenario we wouldn’t be going from mortal enemies to best friends over night. So, I’ll just tell him that it will take some time for us to get on good terms again and trust each other. That’ll keep him satisfied for a couple of months. I can figure out the rest later.”

“April, are you sure about this?”

“I’m sure that I want to be with you and my dad has just made that easier.”

“Then I trust you.” She leaned down to kiss April, sealing the promise. “We have to go to Fellowship soon. You should probably leave first.”

April nodded and kissed her one last time before sneaking out of the janitor’s closet, a skill she never thought she’d acquire during her high school career. She rushed to Fellowship. Her mind was consumed with thoughts about how Sterling would spend her few remaining minutes there alone now that she was privy to Sterling’s history with that closet. As planned, Sterling showed up to Fellowship and took a seat next to April before all of the other students filed into the room, looking a lot less flustered than she had when their bodies were pressed firmly against each other. Sterling avoided making eye contact with her which lead April to assume that she carried on the tradition of relieving her pent-up sexual energy in the janitor’s closet. An all-knowing Blair slipped in beside Sterling and April could have sworn that she heard Blair ask Sterling if she really just had an orgasm before Fellowship. Sterling nearly choked on her water and April removed her ponytail to cover up her reddening ears. She definitely needed to take a shower later.

As the last of the students took their seats, April stood to address the group. “Good morning everyone. I hope you all had a good weekend.” April’s voice was filled with sincerity and she noticed that many in the room were gawking at her as if she were a completely different person. April finally felt like the person she was supposed to be, but they weren’t privy to the reason why. “We’re going to do things a little differently today and discuss as a group the lessons that we can learn from the Book of Ruth. As I know you’re all aware, Ruth was Naomi’s daughter-in-law and Orpah’s sister-in-law. Their husbands died from starvation so Ruth and Orpah traveled with Naomi back to Bethlehem, but on the way, Naomi asked Ruth and Orpah to return home to their families. Orpah left but Naomi stayed behind and spoke one of the most famous verses in the Bible. ‘Do not urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.’” As she spoke, her eyes scanned the faces staring back at her until finally landing on Sterling.

April returned to her seat and continued speaking, head reeling from the way Sterling’s leg brushed against hers because Ezekiel and Hannah B had wanted to squeeze together on the couch with them. “I think the story of Naomi and Ruth is a powerful representation of chosen family. Ruth could have returned to her family with Orpah after her husband died, but instead she decided to fare the difficult times ahead and travel with Naomi to Bethlehem. She put Naomi’s needs before her own with an inspiring declaration of love to Naomi.” Balancing her binder on her knee as a shield, her fingers gripped Sterling’s hand, clinging to her the way she imagined Ruth clung to Naomi, refusing to leave her to travel to Bethlehem alone. Sterling was her chosen family, would one day likely be her only family and each day they spent together brought her peace of mind that she would not spend the rest of her life alone, disowned from the only family she had ever known.

Hannah B spoke up next. “I think Ruth was an incredibly strong woman, like… superhero strong.” She attempted a poorly executed flex to show off her non-existent muscles. Though April often acted cruelly towards Hannah B she more often than not found her endearing and was happy for Hannah B’s friendship. “She had every reason to lose hope. But she powered through and had faith. Her devotion to Naomi is truly why Boaz married her and why God blessed her by giving birth to the grandfather of King David. It didn’t matter to God that Ruth wasn’t born an Israelite. He loved her the same and I think that’s pretty amazing.” Hannah B had nearly run out of breath by the time she finished speaking, arms moving animatedly. Hannah B didn’t voice too many of her own opinions, but one thing April learned about Hannah B over the years was that she did have strong opinions about strong women and those opinions she would voice loud and clear for all to hear. It was a refreshing change of pace to see Hannah B step out of the shadows and that act alone was enough to catch nearly everyone off guard, especially those who did not know Hannah B as well as April and Ezekiel did.

“Thank you, Hannah B. That was really beautiful.” Hannah B mimicked the prideful smile on April’s and Ezekiel’s faces. She really was one of the sweetest people to ever occupy the face of the earth. Anyone else?”

“I think the Book of Ruth is proof that everyone is deserving of redemption. Like the Moabites were the descendants of Lot and his daughters, right? We know what they did to him after Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. They were most likely pagans and didn’t believe in God. Yet Ruth converted and God redeemed her. A kinsmen-redeemer and a Moabite woman gave birth to a descendant of Jesus. How cool is that?” A wry smile formed on his face. “Redeemed anyone can be.” He spoke his last words in a Yoda accent and an audible groan escaped from the lips of everyone in the room, including Ellen. April honestly wondered how Sterling put up with him for so many years.

“Thank you… Master Jedi Luke.” Those were the first words that April had spoken to Luke since she turned him down after he asked her on a date. She tried to mask the laughter in her voice, unable to say anymore words without completely breaking down in giggles. While Luke annoyed her to no end when he was dating Sterling, he was still a good guy who April genuinely liked as a friend. They just had some things to work through and now was not the time. She wondered if perhaps she would be redeemed for how she used Luke to hurt Sterling. But if she were deserving of redemption, then that also meant her parents were deserving of redemption. The former was much easier for her to believe than the latter.

Then Blair spoke and truthfully April should not have been surprised at the words Blair sent out into the often too-conservative ether of Willingham Academy, always one to challenge traditional interpretations and outdated traditions. Ellen was a fan of Blair’s rebellious nature. Jesus was a rebel too, by today’s standards anyway. And if it hadn’t been for Blair’s usual outright distaste with all things involving April Stevens, April would have assumed that Blair helped Sterling practice her talking points on how Naomi and Ruth also made a great team. “When I read the Book of Ruth, I don’t really get the impression that Ruth and Boaz loved each other. He married Ruth out of responsibility, but Ruth bore her son to Naomi. So, I think this is really a story about the love shared between Ruth and Naomi and their commitment to each other.” She settled back into her seat shooting an uninterpretable look in April’s direction.

“That’s a loose interpretation.” The words April previously spoke to Sterling in the sanctuary of Mr. Wesley’s woodshop echoed in her mind. “Homosexuality is a sin in the Bible.”

Sterling stiffened next to April and squeezed her hand much tighter than April was prepared for. She looked around the room and found the comment came from a guy named Nate Miller, the definition of tall, dark and handsome. He also had the ego to match the looks. As arrogant as he was, April never pegged him for a homophobe. Unlike the old April, he usually talked a big talk, but never walked the walk. Sterling looked like a spooked deer, the pain written across her face clear as day, and April realized that while Sterling had probably heard homophobic comments from her more extended family members, this was the first time that the homophobia was directed at her, even if unintentionally. It was personal now. April got a dose of that medicine from her father on a nearly weekly basis and while it stung to hear him speak like that, it prepared her for moments like this. And she was prepared to fight for Sterling.

April donned her trademark H.B.I.C. face and leaned forward, prepared to physically fight someone to protect Sterling’s honor if the situation warranted it. “Actually, Nate, that interpretation is supported by the translation of the Hebrew word ‘dabaq’ which was used in Genesis to describe the love between Adam and Eve. That word was also used to describe the love between Naomi and Ruth. That suggests their love was equal to that of Adam and Eve and that the Bible does support homosexuality.”

“Aren’t you the president of the Straight-Straight Alliance?”

April was not prepared for Nate’s rebuttal, but thankfully Ellen came to her rescue. “You know what? This was a really great discussion and I’m so proud of y’all. But we need to wrap up now. I’ll see everyone next week then.” She rushed to shepherd everyone out of the room.

April hung back with Ellen, Blair and Sterling and promised to meet Ezekiel and Hannah B later for lunch. They understood that she needed to stay with Sterling, which meant the second part of her plan would be much easier execute. Behind her, Sterling was whispering to Ellen and Blair. She couldn’t make out the words, but whatever she said was convincing enough to stop their fretting over her. Blair left the Fellowship room with an apologetic look to April and Ellen hugged her before she left as well. Sterling’s façade broke the moment they were alone. April held Sterling as she cried and repeated the words that Sterling had once used to comfort her. “If God is for us, who can be against us?”


	15. See What You Do To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for sticking with me through this long journey. Things will be speeding up shortly. 
> 
> Also, apologies for the late update. I've had a bad case of writer's block, busy life, and video game addiction. Not the best Holy Trinity. I hope this chapter is up to snuff and that you enjoy it.

Phase one of April’s plan hadn’t gone entirely as expected. April left Sterling in the janitor’s closet just before the start of the school day so hot and bothered that she had to masturbate before Fellowship. April found it exceedingly satisfying that she could be Sterling’s undoing with just one kiss and a well-placed hand on her arm. She prided herself on knowing she was the object of Sterling’s desires, the person she fantasized about. It made April feel powerful, in a way she never had before, and she hungered for more. However, she hadn’t accounted for the discussion about Ruth and Naomi nearly turning into a full-blown debate about homosexuality. Until today, most people in Fellowship had given her the impression that they were fairly open-minded. The Fellowship room was the one place at Willingham where April never heard racist or sexist comments. She didn’t expect anyone to say anything homophobic, even if they were thinking it. She only wanted to show Sterling how brave she could be by discussing the story they had debated a few weeks prior without her having to take the negative and by having faith in her peers to be reputable Christians, but it blew up in her face.

Sterling moped for the rest of the morning and April tried everything to cheer her up. She partnered up with Sterling in Spanish class to flirt with her and to whisper cheeky things that no one else in the class would be able to understand. _Mi corazón está triste._ She bought Sterling a Hershey’s chocolate bar from a vending machine. April figured that had to help considering chocolate was some sort of universal comfort food. _I’m not really hungry_. She snuck off to the bathroom during class to send Sterling a seductive selfie, daring to undo a couple of extra buttons on her blouse if it meant it might distract Sterling from her sadness. _You’re cute_. Not the response April was hoping for.

Sterling was now eating lunch, or rather picking at her food, with Blair who also appeared to be struggling in the department of consoling Sterling. It only minutely comforted April to know that Sterling’s other person was also losing this battle. If Blair was failing to cheer Sterling up, then April didn’t know what else she could possibly do, short of murdering the person who caused Sterling to feel this way in the first place.

The frown on Sterling’s face brought a different kind of aching to April’s heart, the root cause one of the few things that truly terrified her. It often felt as if she would never escape the grips of bigotry. There would always be someone trying to convince them that their love was wrong or sinful and unlike the other times she experienced the bigotry firsthand, it now affected Sterling too. April didn’t know how she could be a supportive girlfriend to Sterling when they couldn’t show affection towards one another in public. She’d wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms protectively around Sterling, to kiss her and to tell her that everything would be okay. She wanted Sterling to know that it would get easier and that April would be by her side through thick and thin. She couldn’t do that though and she felt powerless to do anything except watch as Sterling fell apart in front of her. She needed to gain control of the situation again.

“Ezekiel. Hannah B.” April straightened up in her seat at the table as if she were preparing to slay an opponent in one of her debates. “There’s something I need to tell you.” They said nothing but looked at her expectantly. Though she felt confident that she had no reason to be concerned about their reaction to her official coming out April fidgeted nervously with her cross necklace just the same. They knew she and Sterling were at least friends. Ezekiel definitely assumed they were more than that and made it clear in their conversations as if he were begging April to just come out to him to get it over with. She wasn’t certain what Hannah B thought, but that didn’t really matter because she knew Hannah B would accept her. There had never been a doubt about that in April’s mind, but admittedly she had several concerns about her ability to keep a secret. Given her odds, she just wasn’t ready to come out to her best friends before, but she could say with certainly that she was ready now. She would be the brave person Sterling saw in her. Still, putting everything out into the open had April on edge. “Sterling and I are in love.”

“Oh, _finally_!” That wasn’t the reaction she’d been expecting from Hannah B. “I’ve been waiting for you to come out to us for years!”

April was taken aback. Had she been that obvious? Could people see through her cover? How did Hannah B figure her out her best kept secret? “What? Really?”

“Yeah. You were _way_ too upset about losing Sterling in fifth grade. I always thought there was more to it than that, but I wasn’t a hundred percent certain until eighth grade though.” An amused smile spreads across Hannah B’s face as she basks in the glory of having caught April by surprise for once. If it were anyone else, April would be annoyed, but she’s ecstatic to have Hannah B’s support, nonetheless. 

“What gave me away?”

“The way you looked at Sterling at our middle school dance when you thought no one was watching.” She broke off a piece of her cookie and popped it in her mouth, acting as if they were having a normal conversation. To be fair, in Hannah B’s world this was likely a normal conversation. Not in April’s world though.

“Oh.” To this day April could still recall the moment Sterling first stepped into the dark, poorly decorated Willingham gym for their last middle school dance wearing a lacy blue dress and strappy silver heels. She remembered how the dress fanned out around her as she spun in circles dancing with Luke, the way it made her breathless and dizzy for so many different reasons. April thought she’d never have that, the luxury of dancing with someone she loved in front of all of their classmates. Even now that she and Sterling were together, there were still so many things they wouldn’t get to experience simply because they couldn’t be out. She would have to find a way to make it up to Sterling and then some. “Ezekiel, how long have you known?”

He gasped in faux offense. “Oh please, you thought you could hide from me?” He shook his head. “Girl, I’ve always known.” Then he glanced over his shoulder to find Sterling. “Your girlfriend is looking bereft. I know it’s hard for you to feel like you’re not in control, but just give her some time. The first few times are always the hardest.”

“Unfortunately.” She sighed heavily and reminded herself that it would get better. God had a master plan. “So, I guess this means that you’re both cool with Sterling and I dating?”

“Hannah B and I will always have your back. You shouldn’t have to hide from us too.” In a rare show of affection, he awkwardly wrapped one arm around April’s shoulder in a hug. “Just stop being so damn mean all the time.”

“I’m really sorry about that.”

“Can we be friends with Sterling and Blair now? I really want to ask Blair about her makeup routine.”

“I think Sterling would really like that…and so would I.”

April eagerly awaited Bible Studies so she could see Sterling again. Time passed gradually, the seconds and the minutes seeming to draw out like the eons that shaped the very earth they walked on. A second felt so insignificant compared to the age of the Earth, yet so many of them separated her from Sterling and that was significant. Even more stood between her and a time when she could love Sterling openly. The support of her best friends would undoubtedly make the time easier to bear. April was still so overwhelmed with joy about officially coming out to Ezekiel and Hannah B and that she and Sterling had their unwavering support. She wished she had done it sooner. Perhaps she wouldn’t have felt so lonely. Perhaps she would have been happier and she would have had the courage to put her pain aside and rekindle her friendship with Sterling. Maybe they could have found their way back to each other sooner… April would drive herself mad thinking about all the years she missed out on with Sterling when a lifetime didn’t seem like nearly enough time to spend with the person she loved.

Sterling’s mood had also improved modestly by the start of Bible Studies. She returned April’s smile when she walked into the classroom. Taking her seat, she thanked April for the selfie she had sent earlier and promised to repay the favor, quietly though, so no one would overhear their conversation. “There’s more where that came from.” April teased just to see Sterling speechless yet again. “On a more serious note, I told Ezekiel and Hannah B about us during lunch. It turns out they’ve known for quite a while, Hannah B wants to be friends with you and Blair, and she wants to ask Blair about her makeup routine so you should definitely warn Blair about that.”

“April!” Sterling couldn’t contain her excitement as she bounced in her seat and April couldn’t be bothered to care if it drew the attention of their classmates. She was just happy to see Sterling smiling again after an incredibly long day. “I’m so proud of you. I know you said you thought they already knew, at least Ezekiel, but that was still so brave of you. _And…_ I’m really happy you brought up Naomi and Ruth during Fellowship and I appreciate that your tried so hard today to be supportive and cheer me up.” She drew a heart in the margins of her paper and an arrow which pointed towards April. Sometimes she had to remind herself how dorky Sterling could be and how endearing it was. “I’ve come to the conclusion that there will always be people like Nate trying to tear us apart and we shouldn’t go down without a fight. We’re stronger together and taking a chance on loving each other, even if we do have to hide it, makes us brave. It doesn’t seem fair now, but I think it makes our relationship stronger.”

“I love you so much Sterl.” Her fingers itched to reach out for Sterling’s hand, so she busied herself by toying with her rings. _One day_ , she reminded herself, _one day_. “God, I wish I could kiss you right now.”

“You may not feel that way in a couple of seconds.”

“And why might that be?”

“Because I may have forgotten to tell you that my mom insisted you come over for dinner this week.” Sterling flashed her a sugar-coated smile trying to charm her way out of the situation. April wouldn’t admit it to Sterling, but it was working.

“Sterl! How could you forget to mention something like that?”

“Because this morning you were kissing me and well…you know…I…had other things on my mind.” She leaned closer and whispered shamelessly in April’s ear so no one could hear. “Like all the things I want to do to you.”

“How in the world am I supposed to make it through dinner with your parents when you put these inappropriate thoughts in my head?”

“Oh! Look! I think Ellen’s ready to start to class.”

"This conversation isn’t over Sterling.”

"Meet me in the janitor’s closet after school and I’ll make it up to you.”

“Fine.” April groaned and hunkered down for yet another class that would feel entirely too long. They never finished their conversation, but Sterling did show her, and tell her rather explicitly, just how much she enjoyed the selfie April sent her earlier and how proud she was of April for coming out to Ezekiel and Hannah B. When Sterling enlightened April about the ‘other things on her mind’, _her_ patellas quivered and Sterling was the only thing keeping her upright. By the time they left April swore she would sit through a thousand dinners with the Wesley’s if it would please Sterling. Sometimes she lost all control when it came to Sterling, and for once that was okay with April.


	16. I Don't Want This Night To End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner, Episode I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> I know it's been awhile. I've been consumed by the election news. This is a short update, but I promise there will be a part II.

April sat in her car outside of Sterling’s house nervously wringing her hands and fretting over her hair and makeup. Though she accepted the dinner invitation as Sterling’s friend, she couldn’t help but worry that Mr. and Mrs. Wesley would somehow see through their façade and realize that she and Sterling were so much more than friends. Sterling wasn’t exactly subtle in her feelings towards April and could barely hide her lovestruck stares on a good day. The matter would not be helped by Blair’s presence, who was just as subtle as Sterling but in very different ways. April had half a mind to text Sterling to tell her that she couldn’t make it for dinner, but someone was bound to have seen her car in the driveway by now. The sound of someone knocking on the window of her car pulled April from her thoughts.

Sterling Wesley peering through her window in a white, low-cut tank top was a sight for April’s sore eyes after spending three whole days dodging uncomfortable questions from her father regarding her renewed friendship with Sterling. He tried coaching her, telling her which questions to ask to get information on the Wesley’s, but April shot down his attempts by noting that it would be suspicious if she asked too many questions too soon. He seemed placated by an excuse which served as a smokescreen to spend more time with Sterling. April’s father was currently under the impression that she and Sterling would be studying for an oral exam together for their Spanish class, an exam which surely did not exist. He agreed to a later curfew so they could maximize their ‘studying’ which meant April would have five glorious hours to spend with Sterling. April figured what her father didn’t know wouldn’t kill him.

April exited her car and made to give Sterling a hug, but she found herself pinned between her car and Sterling’s body engaged in a fierce kiss with Sterling, who acted as if they hadn’t seen each other for weeks. Sterling had been more assertive in her physical advances since the incident in Fellowship. April delighted in Sterling’s apparent need to devour her. It left her weak in the knees and wanting more, which she figured was Sterling’s intention. She didn’t mind giving up some of her control to Sterling, sometimes.

“Whoa there, tiger. Not that I’m complaining but your parents might see us.” April’s words didn’t carry much weight as she continued to hastily pursue Sterling’s lips with short, furious kisses. She tightly gripped Sterling’s hips and attempted to pull her even closer.

Sterling sighed into her mouth, not immediately responding. “Blair is keeping them distracted in the kitchen.”

“Really? How?”

“April, please stop talking.” If anyone could create a distraction, it was definitely Blair, and April assumed it must have been a pretty epic distraction to give Sterling enough time to nearly ravage April. Then Sterling pulled away. “We’ll continue this later.” She took April’s hand in her own and asked, “Are you ready for dinner with my parents?”

April chuckled to herself. “How could I be after what I’ve been doing with their daughter?”

“I promise it’ll be okay. I just want them to get used to the idea of us so they’re not too shocked about when they do eventually find out about us.” Sterling reassured her with a gentle kiss. “You’ve got me.”

“I’ve got you, and you’ve got me.”

The Wesley household appeared to be in an uproar over whatever distraction Blair managed to stir up. “All I’m saying Blair is that you’d have a hard time selling a universal health care plan to a large portion of the people in this country.” Mr. Wesley spoke evenly but the look on his face betrayed his discomfort about the subject.

“You must be referring to bigoted conservatives like…”

“Blair.” Mrs. Wesley shot her a warning look. “We have company.” She motioned to April.

April was momentarily flustered as all eyes turned to her, uncertain of what exactly to say. She didn’t want to offend Sterling’s parents by saying the wrong thing. “Umm… It’s okay Mrs. Wesley. I do love me a good debate.”

“Exactly! April _loves_ debate.” Blair emphasized. “So April, how do you feel about universal health care as the president of the Young Republicans?”

April looked incredulously at the entire Wesley family. Blair was clearly enjoying April’s discomfort while Mr. and Mrs. Wesley looked annoyed, though that was not at April’s expense, rather because of Blair. Only Sterling looked eager to hear April’s thoughts on the matter. “Well, truthfully, I think that a universal health care plan would greatly benefit our society. The 2018 census revealed there are over four million uninsured children in our country. They deserve access to affordable health care and so does everyone else in our country. It would reduce the burden of health care costs for everyone, you’d never have to worry about whether or not a doctor is covered by your insurance, which no one likes anyway, you wouldn’t be turned down for having a pre-existing condition and it’s the Christian thing to do. Jesus would want us to help the vulnerable. That’s what he would do.”

Mrs. Wesley smiled warmly at April. “You know, I’ve never thought about it like that, but I think you make a good point. We’ve certainly missed you around here April, especially this one.” She pointed to a stunned Sterling caught off guard by the admission.

“I’m sure she did.”

“Isn’t it time for dinner? That lasagna has to be done by now.” Sterling hurried to set the table making sure to put April’s plate and silverware next to hers and grabbed a spare chair from the living room. Mr. Wesley removed the lasagna dish from the oven as Mrs. Wesley placed a pitcher of water, a salad, and a warm loaf of bread on the table.

April watched in shock as they moved together, in sync. She couldn’t remember the last time her father lifted a finger in the kitchen unless he was pouring himself a glass of scotch. He certainly wouldn’t give any unsolicited help to her mother. When all the food was on the table, Mr. Wesley pulled out a chair for his wife. That definitely didn’t happen in the Stevens’ household. If it weren’t for their wedding rings, people probably wouldn’t realize her parents were married most of the time. Everyone was at ease despite recent events and the loving family of four seemed stronger than ever. It became clearer to April just how dysfunctional her family was and for how long things had been that way, especially with a father who was willing to exploit his daughter to dig up dirt on unsuspecting teenage girls and their family. April mused that she and Sterling could probably come out as a couple to Mr. and Mrs. Wesley during dinner and they wouldn’t love Sterling any less. Her mother and father, on the other hand, would not be so understanding.

“Hey, are you okay?” April’s body stiffened under Sterling’s touch. No one was paying attention to them except for Mrs. Wesley whose genuine smile never left her face.

Clear of any perceived danger, she relaxed. Sterling was a touchy and affectionate person and wouldn’t raise any suspicions. “Yeah,” April’s smile broadened across her face. “I just don’t want this night to end.”


	17. What If I Gave Everything

April composed herself and took her seat next to Sterling at the table. She recalled several dinners, lunches, breakfasts, and brunches at this very table, a once familiar setting now a stranger to her. April expected to be regarded as a stranger as well, not having set foot in the Wesley household for years, at least when Mr. and Mrs. Wesley were present. April was fidgeting in her seat when she felt Sterling’s warm hand squeeze her leg under the table trying to temper her nervous energy. She chanced a glance in Sterling’s direction. Love glimmered in her eyes, a tender smile on her face. April effectively fell under Sterling’s spell, her heart captured by a girl who she believed would only love April in her dreams. She was wrong for assuming she could wait until college to explore this part of herself. She felt as if Sterling were destined to break down her walls, to shine a light on her heart and lead her out of her despair. It had become increasingly difficult for April to evade Sterling’s friendly advances, even before Sterling kissed her in Ellen’s office. April would have surrendered to Sterling eventually, another victim claimed by the trademark Sterling Wesley pout. She also mistakenly assumed that she could ignore her love for Sterling for the remainder of high school. April could handle living in the closet but pretending she didn’t have feelings for Sterling was a lie she couldn’t live. She barely made it through that first week after the lock-in. She returned Sterling’s smile knowing there was a place for them in the world, together, and they would find it someday.

Small talk dominated the first few minutes of dinner as everyone served themselves lasagna, salad, and warm bread and Blair argued with her parents about how much food constituted one serving and who decided such arbitrary units of food. Unlike dinners in the Stevens’ household, everyone seemed happy and at ease. April didn’t fear making eye contact with anyone or answering questions about how her day was and how her classes were going. Mr. and Mrs. Wesley were genuinely curious about April’s coursework and if she enjoyed it. Her own parents only cared about her receiving A’s in her classes. Furthermore, she didn’t have to lie about how much time she actually spent with Sterling.

“April, honey, how are your parents doing?” The dining room grew eerily quiet as everyone stopped eating and glanced back and forth between April and Mrs. Wesley. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry, but I hear things through the grapevine, and we were worried when your mother stopped coming to church.”

During her father’s imprisonment, Saturdays and Sundays were spent either on visitations or meeting with lawyers and business partners to figure out how to finance her father’s legal fees. The first judge to handle her father’s case after he skipped bail was none too happy with John Stevens and quite adamant about not considering a lighter sentence. April guessed her father’s lawyer got the case appealed with a different judge, one more easily swayed by the power of large sums of money. She wasn’t sure as she was never involved in any of the decisions and never went on any visitations with her father, but she wouldn’t put it past him. April considered lying and saying that her parents were well, a proper, polite response, but the new April Stevens challenged herself to be more honest, to be worthy of Sterling’s love. “Honestly, things have been difficult since my father came home.”

“Let’s not overwhelm April with so many questions.” Sterling would come to her rescue.

Many people had asked about her parents over the past few weeks, all with sinister intentions. At least, April reasoned, Mrs. Wesley only asked out of concern for her family’s wellbeing. “It’s okay Sterling. I don’t mind.” She turned back to Mrs. Wesley. “I think my mom and I are both struggling to move past what he did, so things are tense at my house right now.”

“Well, I’m sure you know that every family has its struggles, even this one. I’m sorry that yours is going through a difficult time right now. We’ll pray for your family and you’re always welcome here if you need anything.”

Mr. Wesley’s kind words nearly brough tears to April’s eyes. “Thank you, Mr. Wesley.”

The rest of dinner continued amicably, and April was thankful for her time with the Wesley’s. It was nice to spend time with people who acted like a real family. They talked about Blair’s lacrosse games, debate and Fellowship, how Sterling and April brought Solomon’s Temple to life, sans the amount of time they spent kissing each other afterwards, and Mr. Wesley’s job search. Every so often, Sterling reached for her hand under the table to briefly link their fingers together and April’s heart fluttered every time. The hidden action felt so freeing and comforting she didn’t spare a second thought to the risk of being discovered.

After dinner, Mr. Wesley suggested they play a new board game that he discovered online. He jumped excitedly out of his seat and returned from his office with two boxes. “Okay, so I know we’ve never played before, but I figured we’ll just throw in the expansion pack to start to keep things interesting.”

“And what exactly are we playing?”

“Pandemic.” He was as excited about this as Ellen was about the biblical buildings project. Blair groaned audibly and hit her head against the table earning her another warning look from Mrs. Wesley. April didn’t really care what they did as long as she got to spend time with Sterling and as long as some of that time was spent in the privacy of Sterling’s room. “I think it would be good for us. We have to work together to win, instead of against each other.”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes, Blair. We said we’d spend more quality time together as a family after…” Mrs. Wesley didn’t finish her sentence, but April could guess what she was alluding to. It would appear that Sterling hadn’t informed her that April knew about the kidnapping and the adoption.

“But April is here and I’m sure Sterling would like to spend time alone with April.” Thankfully, Mrs. Wesley doesn’t hear the playful hint in her voice and Mr. Wesley is too engulfed in setting up the board and shuffling cards to take notice to what’s happening around him.

“We’ll only play once or twice. There will be plenty of time to do whatever else you girls want to do tonight.” April tried her best to ignore Blair’s sly smile, but a telltale blush creeped into her cheeks just the same. Sterling looked equally mortified. “Sterling? April? Do you two want to play on the same team?”

“That’s a great idea!” Blair blurted out. “Sterling and April often do play on the same team.”

Without realizing it, April dug her fingers into Sterling’s jean-covered thighs a tad too harshly. Sterling made a show of knocking her knee against the leg of the table as she scooted her chair closer to April’s to cover up the yelp she released. If April wasn’t internally panicking, she probably would have found it adorable. She was glad to have Sterling closer to her though. Their arms brushed and Sterling could hold her hand under the table without anyone noticing except for Blair. April recalled that she and Sterling often held hands when they were children. Her parents argued about it a few times, the flashback fresh behind her eyes as if the scene were still playing out in front of her all these years later. A young April Stevens didn’t understand why at the time, only that their arguing made her sad, but she certainly figured it out as she got older. It was one of the few times her mother ever defended April to her father.

Since April discovered the real reason her father went to jail, she found herself remembering more of these tiny moments that suddenly didn’t seem so tiny. They shaped April into the person she was, fueled her fear for her father without her realizing it sometimes. For years April resented her mother for keeping her at arm’s length, for being more robot than human when it came to loving her own child, but that was yet another toxic byproduct of her father’s abusive actions. April was nine when her mother abruptly burst through her bedroom door one night and told her to pack a bag to spend a few days at Sterling’s house. She had been so confused because she rarely stayed over at a friend’s house on a school night and her mother was wearing sunglasses even though it was dark outside. She stayed with the Wesley’s for the rest of the week and through the weekend, and when her father drove her home after church her mother was nowhere to be found. In fact, she hadn’t returned home for another week. Her father claimed she was on a business trip, which was obviously a lie. It finally dawned on April that her mother’s aloof attitude wasn’t because she didn’t love April, but because she worried that April would turn out exactly like her father which didn’t seem so farfetched when he was practically grooming her to follow in his footsteps. Her own mind had subconsciously distilled John Stevens down to a few happy, rose-colored memories, an idea shattered by his arrest.

As Mr. Wesley finished explaining the instructions and dealing out cards, April focused on the feeling of Sterling’s thumb gliding over the back of her hand and her knuckles, effortlessly like clouds move through the sky. Sterling could read April like a book, knowing what April needed exactly when she needed it. Her eyes communicated the words that April needed to hear, but Sterling couldn’t yet say. Sterling was her tether to reality and April willed her brewing panic attack away. A plate of brownies had appeared on the table and Blair was yet again engaged in an argument over how many brownies constituted one serving.

As promised, they only played two rounds and they won both of them. By the end of the first, Blair had discovered she really did like the game and enjoyed curing and eradicating the diseases. April guessed she likened it to bounty hunting with viruses and bacteria instead of humans. Mr. Wesley collected all the cards and game pieces and placed everything back into the box which he returned to his office. Blair escaped to her bedroom before she could be asked to help clear the table and Sterling likely followed to yell at Blair for her dinner shenanigans under the guise of needing to use the bathroom. April was left alone with Mrs. Wesley and didn’t know how to fill the awkward silence, so she helped gather the glasses on the table and carried them to the sink.

“Oh sweetheart, you don’t have to do that. You’re our guest.”

“It’s alright Mrs. Wesley. I really don’t mind.” April handed her the glasses then sucked in a deep breath. She checked her surroundings to make sure they were still alone. “Mrs. Wesley, can I ask you something?”

“Sure. About what?”

“About my parents?”

“I’m not sure how I’d be able to help, but okay.”

“You and my mom used to be close right? When Sterl and I were younger?”

“I guess you could say that. She always came over for our book club and we always went for a coffee together after church when you all were in Sunday school.”

“Did my dad… ever hit her?”

“What?” Mrs. Wesley put down the glass she was washing and turned towards April.

April fiddled with her purity ring finding her words more difficult to say aloud with Mrs. Wesley’s concerned eyes trained on her. “Do you know if my dad ever hit my mom?”

“Why do you think he hurt her?”

“Do you remember the time my mom dropped me off for almost a whole week?”

Mrs. Wesley nodded. “I think Sterling had the time of her life.”

April smiled at the memory of a much shorter Sterling jumping up and down and giggling the way children do when they’re overly excited when she realized April would be having an extended sleepover with her. “My mom always brought me to the door. She didn’t that night.”

“I’ll be honest April, after that night your mother stopped showing up to book club. Not much longer after you and Sterling weren’t friends anymore and we didn’t really keep in touch. If he did ever hurt her, she hid it really well.”

April squirmed under Mrs. Wesley’s gaze and felt a little too vulnerable. “I guess I should go check on Sterling. It doesn’t seem like she’s coming back downstairs.”

“I’m sorry I don’t more April.”

“It’s okay, I understand.”

“I hope you know that if I had ever suspected there was domestic abuse, or child abuse, I would have said something to your mom.”

“I know.” April forced one last smile and retreated to Sterling’s room.


	18. The Girl You Think I Am

April sat on the edge of Sterling’s bed and waited for her to emerge from Blair’s room. She thought she heard sounds of a physical struggle but decidedly did not want to place herself in the middle of the twin’s scuffle. Instead she snuggled under Sterling’s blankets, closed her eyes and breathed in Sterling’s scent. It was only last weekend that she and Sterling had slept next to each other, yet every night since April tossed and turned in her own bed wishing Sterling was next to her. Every morning she woke disappointed that Sterling was not an arm’s length away, but several miles away. The thought of sleeping alone for another year and a half, after having experienced the thrill of falling asleep and waking up next to Sterling, was more unbearable than having to put up with Blair for the rest of her life. She’d be willing to put up with Blair for the rest of her life though, as long as Sterling was happy. April made a mental list of all the things that she and Sterling would be free to do once they were in college and drifted off to sleep.

April snuggled into Sterling’s embrace. Her surroundings were unfamiliar, but she felt a safety she had not known for most of her life. Somewhere behind her a fire crackled, chasing away the chill of a wintry night. A simple diamond wedding ring now took the place of the purity ring her father had given her all those years ago. They were alone, taking refuge in their very own fortress of solitude. Not a soul could be found for miles and April wouldn’t have it any other way. The windows rattled against a violent gust of wind, shielding them from the storm outside. April felt every shade of emotion between happiness and bliss and an even stronger love for the woman she could now call her wife.

But the warmth began to fade away only to be replaced with a paralyzing frigidity. The person who lay beside her was no longer her wife, but a rejected, sixteen-year-old Sterling who had been left to sit alone on a bench on a dark and rainy night. The windspeed picked up, violently shaking the windows and the door, extinguishing the flames of the fire. Over the howl of the wind April could make out the faint sound of an echo, someone screaming her name. As the seconds passed, the sound grew incrementally louder. The voice belonged to her father. A fist banged on the door. April reached out for Sterling, seeking protection from the torrent of fear bubbling inside of her, but Sterling rebuffed her advances. April felt her connection to Sterling slipping away, as if someone had cut the invisible cord twining them together. As quickly as April had found Sterling, she had lost her. April was certain she would spend the rest of her life alone, until death claimed her mortal body, until the tendrils of the earth coiled themselves around the grave she had dug for herself.

April called out for help, for Sterling, for God, even for her mother and for Blair. Her cries fell on deaf ears. April felt in her heart that she was cursed and even her happy memories of Sterling brought her nothing but sadness. As she feared, her heart was no longer capable of feeling love. The pounding against the door continued. It trembled under her father’s fists until it burst open, splinters flying in every which direction. Her father materialized in the doorway, eyes as black as coal and rotten to his core. When he spoke, his voice was alarmingly gentle, tempting April to follow him into the darkness outside. He called her Padawan, said all the right words to coax her into submission, but April refused to move knowing in her bones that if she went with him, she would be lost forever.

April’s refusal to leave with her father only caused his frustration to swell. He banged his fist on a table and recited “To the devious you show yourself shrewd. You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.” He took a step in her direction and continued, “You have sinned and now God will punish you, be it ever so severely, if you do not come with me and allow me to save your soul.” But April wouldn’t budge. She would take her chances with her God before she would follow a snake to the garden.

April has no idea for how long she slept, but when her eyes flicker open blue eyes are staring back at her and Sterling’s arm is draped protectively over her waist. Sterling presses a kiss to her forehead and then to her cheek before situating her lips over April’s mouth. She pulls April closer to her and holds her trembling body tightly. “I’m right here April. You’re safe with me.” Several minutes pass as April tries to convince herself that she is no longer dreaming and that she is in fact safe with Sterling. She snuggles into Sterling’s front and decides that Sterling is very much real. She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she feels the dampness on Sterling’s shirt against her cheeks. When Sterling also notices April is crying, she pulls away to dry her tears. “Hey, everything’s going to be okay. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

April nods her head but doesn’t know where to start. “Did you and Blair fight?”

“A minor kerfuffle but nothing to be concerned about.”

“Why were you fighting with Blair?”

“Because she was being obnoxious during dinner. She’s lucky our parents can be so clueless sometimes.”

“Is Blair okay?”

“Why do you think Blair isn’t okay?”

“Because she usually acts out like that when she’s not okay.”

“You noticed that?”

“Of course I did. I want to learn everything about you and Blair is a part of you.”

“Thank you for asking.” Sterling brushes another lock of hair behind April’s ear and kisses her. “She’s upset because our parents never invited Miles over for dinner.”

“But your parents don’t even know we’re dating. They think we’re just friends.”

“Reasonable thinking doesn’t exactly prevail when we’re hurt and upset.”

April nods her head in agreement remembering the way she slipped into panic mode after her father’s return from jail and the domino effect it created. In an ill-fated attempt to protect herself, she put the one person she loved most in danger. “What if you decide that this isn’t enough for you?”

April caught the split-second shock on Sterling’s face before she masked it into a neutral expression. “How do you mean?”

“College is a long time away. What if you don’t want to keep our relationship hidden until then and I can’t come out? What if you want to tell your family about you or about us? What if I can’t give you all the things that you deserve or you realize that I’m not enough for you and you can’t forgive me for all the terrible things I’ve done and that you deserve someone so much better than me?”

“April, slow down. We’ve been through all of this. You’re the only one that I want. Nothing is going to change that. I don’t care about all of that stuff in the past. We have our history, the good and the bad, and I wouldn’t change any of it. Besides, that’s what got us here and I know it hasn’t been easy, but I still feel blessed because I’m the person who gets love you and receive your love in return. Everyone else should be so lucky.”

“What if I turn out to be exactly like my dad?”

“Don’t even think that. You’re nothing like him. April, you are extraordinary and your heart is so full of love. You are a force to be reckoned with. Your father will never be a quarter of the person that you are.”

“How are you so good?”

“Because I love you April. I know in my heart that you are a good person and that you’re it for me. I promise you that will never change. I know our romantic relationship is new, but we’ve already spent most of our lives together and now I can’t imagine spending any part of my life without you. This is part of God’s master plan for us.”

“I love you so much Sterling Wesley. You make me feel whole.”

After a lengthy debate, Sterling successfully convinced April that she did not ruin the rest of their night together and that they could make the most of the last few hours they had to spend together. They talked for a while and April told Sterling about her dream and the flashbacks that she’d been having about her father. Though Sterling was concerned for April’s safety when she mentioned her father’s probable abuse towards her mother, she agreed that April would most likely be safe for the time being as he’d never physically hurt April before. But they decided the best course of action would be for April to talk to Sam about it during their next session.

They then began to watch the first episode of _The Mandalorian_ on Sterling’s laptop per April’s request to slowly introduce her to _Star Wars_. As the episode played, Sterling rested her head against April’s chest while one of her hands found its way beneath the fabric of April’s shirt to trace light patterns across her abdomen. The rest of April’s earlier tension dissipated only to be replenished tenfold with desire. To concentrate on anything but Sterling’s plunging neckline tested the limits of her self-control. She was failing miserably. Though she guessed that was the effect Sterling was hoping to achieve.

Sterling’s fingers traveled lower, dancing dangerously just above the button of April’s jeans. It would be easy, April thought, for Sterling to simply move her hand lower to the place that she wanted to be touched, inhibitions be damned. The way April craved Sterling’s touch was unmatched to anything she had ever felt before. Her heart hammered inside of her chest at the thought, the sound of which Sterling was guaranteed to hear. As if reading her mind, Sterling closed the laptop and placed it on the floor, their previous activity abandoned, before crashing her lips against April’s in a feverish kiss. With adept fingers, April trailed her hands over Sterling’s body to the places that made sweet sounds escape from Sterling’s mouth. April devoured the sounds of Sterling’s pleasure, feeding her confidence to experiment with touching Sterling in places she hadn’t before. Sterling rolled her hips against April’s body creating a friction that drove April wild and confirmed that her experiment was a success. That night April left the Wesley household with several physical reminders of all the ways in which Sterling had ravaged her and the knowledge of how Sterling could make her orgasm without even taking her clothes off.


	19. Empty

April’s house is unusually dark as she parks her car in the driveway and walks up to the front door. From outside, it appears that the only light comes from a small lamp in the living room and the flickering of the TV screen. April glances around and realizes that her father’s car is also missing from the driveway, which strikes her as odd given that he’d usually be having a whiskey on the rocks before going to bed. She also thought he’d be excited to hear a play-by-play account of dinner with the Wesley’s. It is for this reason however that April is glad he isn’t home.

Almost out of habit, April’s eyes skim the living room and the kitchen to verify that her father is in fact gone. Her mother’s form is eclipsed by the light of the TV. She doesn’t acknowledge April’s presence. As April approaches, she notices that her mother is over halfway through a bottle of red wine and is curled up on the couch with Sergeant Bilko as she cries over the wedding album. April feels a pang of guilt for all the resentment she harbored towards her mother. It couldn’t have been easy to watch the man she fell in love with at such a young age transform into a person she barely recognized. The young couple in the photos is truly happy, their wide smiles authentic, and April can’t help but wonder how all of that changed and where all of her father’s anger came from. 

“Mom?” April calls out to her quietly, not wanting to startle her. When April doesn’t get a response, she calls to her mother again, raising her voice only slightly. “Mom.”

Her mother jumps a little in her seat and quickly wipes the tears from her eyes as if she can’t bear to appear weak in front of her daughter. “Hi sweetheart. How was dinner with Sterling?” Her voice sounds scratchy and strained and April assumes that means she’s been crying for quite some time. Tears were plentiful these days and if happiness were their sustenance, the Stevens’ household would have succumbed to famine years ago.

“It was good. I had a lot of fun.” Taking in her mother’s wearied appearance, April sees herself reflected in the woman sitting in front of her. Time and stress have hardened her features, but April shares the same green eyes that sometimes, but not often, contain the hint of a smile and a joy for life that had long since been abandoned to fulfill the antiquated duties of a southern, conservative wife. Like April, she’s spent years maintaining a particular image in order to be an esteemed member within their community. But now that image is shattering, slowly perishing in the fallout of John Stevens’ arrest and the bitter corrosion of their humanity by time. Her mother has stood unwearyingly by her father’s side for years and now the ramifications of that decision are imbued in the set of her shoulders and the downward turn of her smile.

The night she dropped April off at Sterling’s house had resulted in an unforeseen turning point in their relationship. April figures she may not have much time left to rebuild whatever salvageable parts of their relationship remain and even then, it may not be enough to see them through the inevitable rift that her coming out will cause. “Mrs. Wesley made lasagna and bread for dinner and we played this new board game that Mr. Wesley got called Pandemic. You infect a bunch of cities with different diseases and everyone has to work together to cure all of the diseases and prevent outbreaks.”

“That sounds lovely. You know, I taught Debbie that lasagna recipe.”

“Really?”

“Yes, right after she and Anderson got married.” She took a small sip of wine from her glass, a wistful look in her eyes as she remembered a time long gone. “She didn’t know her way around a kitchen back then. None of that stuff really mattered to Anderson, but you can bet it mattered to his mother.”

“If you saw her now, you’d never know it.”

“I’m happy that you and Sterling are friends again. I never really understood why you two had such a big falling out anyway. Y’all were practically inseparable when you were kids.”

 _Reasonable thinking doesn’t exactly prevail when we’re hurt and upset._ April could probably write an entire dissertation on how that ill-fated day shaped the rest of her life and how it made both perfect sense yet no sense at all. She could see clearly now Sterling’s side of the story, her not wanting April to be alone at recess, and she could understand why the younger version of herself succumbed to such a drastic misinterpretation of Sterling’s actions. April was crushing on Sterling, but Sterling liked Luke and Luke liked Sterling. April was good enough at math to know there wasn’t room for her in that equation. What April didn’t understand was why she had to suffer for six long years for Sterling to come back into her life and why it had to be so dangerous for them to be in love. She can’t exactly tell this to her mother, though she wishes she could be brave enough to at least entertain the thought. “I’m not sure we really understood it either.”

April joined her mother on the couch and scratched Sergeant Bilko behind his ears. His loud purrs filled the awkward silence that settled between them. Talking so candidly was not a normal occurrence for them and it was obvious neither one of them knew how to proceed. That, coupled with the knowledge that her mother was unaware of Sterling and Blair’s role in her father’s arrest, made April feel like the moment would pass them by, yet another moment to be solidified in the amber of her memory as a missed chance she would later regret. “Mom?” She didn’t respond, but April had her attention. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s going to be staying with your uncle Bill for a few weeks. She took a long sip of her wine before setting it down on the coffee table next to the open wedding album. “We both thought it’d be for the best… at least for right now.”

April almost can’t believe her mother’s words and their implications for her and Sterling’s relationship. While April feels like she can finally breathe again without her father around, her mother looks torn over the decision as fresh tears threaten to chase the old ones down the high set of her cheeks in rivulets that fall into her lap. April’s stomach churns uncomfortably at the raw pain on her mother’s face and regrets that one day she will be the reason for that pain. “Are you getting a divorce?”

“No, no, of course not. Marriages just take a bit of extra work sometimes. I don’t want you to worry about that.”

April mulled this over in her brain for a bit, not really understanding why her mother would want to stay married to someone like her father. They both deserved better. They deserved someone who loved them, someone who didn’t feel the need to instill constant fear inside of them in order to feel powerful. “You’ve been fighting with him a lot recently, even before he went to jail. It just… seems like things aren’t getting better.”

“It will. Just give it time.”

 _How much time?_ April wondered. Her father was a parasite, feeding off of other people until they were nothing but a hollow shell. That’s how April felt until Sterling lips connected with hers that day in Ellen’s office and breathed life back into her body. April had been so busy chasing things that left her empty that she forgot about the life in front of her. She did those things at the behest of her father and perhaps she was biased knowing he wouldn’t accept her for loving women, or rather a very specific woman, but April simply could not rationalize why her mother would not want to divorce her father. “Why do you want to stay with him after what he did?”

“Sweetie,” her mother shifted on the couch to face her and took both of April’s hands in her own, earning a meow of protest from Sergeant Bilko at the loss of attention. April couldn’t remember the last time her mother hugged her or showed her affection of any kind. She had become so accustomed to their new normal that she forgot how much it hurt that her mother stopped showing her love. “I made a vow to your father on our wedding day in front of our friends and families and God. For better or for worse. When you love someone, you don’t give up on them. You fight for them.”

The words resonated with April and it was probably the best advice she’d ever received from her mother. She felt that way about Sterling. It was why she resolved to fix things with Sterling after the lock-in and why she powered through that first week so she could give Sterling the time and space she needed to think things through. It was why she stayed after hearing the outlandish story of how Sterling and Blair arrested her father and it was why she was risking everything to be with Sterling now. April’s love for Sterling gave her the courage to come out to Ellen and Ezekiel and Hannah B and was the reason she tried so hard to get along with Blair. And the love she has for her parents, despite their less redeeming qualities and problematic behavior, fuel the naïve hope that by some small miracle her parents would accept her as she was, a proud lesbian and a devout Christian. “I don’t know if I can forgive him that easily.”

“You’re allowed to do that in your own time.”

“I just don’t understand why he’s so angry all the time.”

“There are things you don’t know about.”

“Like what?”

April’s mother refills her glass of wine and downs nearly the entire glass as she decides whether or not to elaborate. “I had a miscarriage. You don’t remember because you were only two at the time. You were supposed to have a little brother and we were supposed to have a son. Ever since then your father hasn’t been the same.” She picks up her glass and the remaining bottle of wine and heads to the stairs before turning to speak to April. “April, was there something else that you wanted to talk to me about?”

April silently debates the pros and cons of telling her mother about Sterling as she stands at the bottom of the stairs watching her intently. Her mother had given her the perfect opening to come out but taking that step and facing the consequences of that decision still terrified April. Even with her father gone, the risk felt too great. “No, just that I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll make your favorite for breakfast tomorrow so don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

April sat alone in the darkness of her living room and pondered everything that had happened since she first arrived at Sterling’s house until the present moment. She didn’t know how to feel about her father being gone or the loss of a brother she never had. With the exception of her love for Sterling, April felt as empty as the large house she’d grown up in.


	20. Blessed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to get a little bit of everyone in this chapter :)

John Stevens has been gone for two weeks and already April feels like a completely different person. She’s less tense, feels more comfortable in her own home, and her relationships with the people around her are developing into something that was once unobtainable to April. For starters, she and her mother find time to talk every day. They mainly talk about ‘safe’ topics like April’s classes and extra-curriculars and this time her mother actually cares if April is enjoying them. April allows herself to be open with her mother, admitting she’s only involved in the Young Republicans and the Straight-Straight Alliance because of her father and that she doesn’t particularly like them. She is further surprised when her mother suggests that she quit those clubs and only pursue those that she actually enjoys. The Stevens’ _never_ quit but April takes advantage of this opportunity to free up some time in her schedule. She decides to spend her extra time with Sterling and with her friends. Sterling, Blair, Ezekiel, and Hannah B are all happy when they hear that April has quit the Straight-Straight Alliance and Blair can barely hide her excitement when April reveals to them that she’s also quit the Young Republicans. There are better, safer, and healthier ways for her to learn about politics than subjecting herself to a bunch of homophobic white males anyway. Even Ellen has heard of April’s defections through the rumor mill and in the privacy of her office suggests that April could start a Gay-Straight Alliance instead. April thinks it’s a great idea, but she’s not _that_ brave and she’s not ready to be out. Unfortunately, it will draw too much of the wrong kind of attention.

Sterling and Blair have taken to sitting with the Holy Trinity at lunch. What starts off as the five of them only sitting together for a couple days a week has turned into them sitting together every day. Mainly because Sterling wants every opportunity to be with April and because they can sometimes hold hands under the table. It scares April the first time it happens, but once she realizes that most people are over the shock of seeing the Wesley twins sitting with the Holy Trinity, she welcomes it as a normal part of her daily routine. April is also pleased to see how well Sterling and Blair have assimilated into her little group of friends. Sterling and Ezekiel get along well despite a prickly past and Blair has really taken to Hannah B. Blair manages to separate herself from Sterling long enough for her and April to have more quality alone time together and even hangs out with Hannah B outside of school. As a result of their unification, less people harass Ezekiel and Hannah B has grown more confident in herself. Overall, it’s a win-win-win-win situation for everyone.

April is invited back to the Wesley household for dinner and a few extra rounds of _Pandemic_ at the behest of Mr. and Mrs. Wesley. It’s just as jarring of an experience for April as it was the first time around. Mrs. Wesley hugs her when she arrives, which throws April off-guard and has Sterling flashing her best, and not-so-subtle, heart eyes. She’s keenly aware of the way that Mr. and Mrs. Wesley watch her and Sterling’s interactions and is convinced that the knowing glances they exchange with each other are proof that they know the truth about her and Sterling’s relationship. But later that night, Sterling assures her that she’s being paranoid as she pushes April down on her bed and climbs on top of her. “If they knew about us, we wouldn’t be in my room with the door shut doing this.” As Sterling slips her hand inside of April’s sweater, up her abdomen and underneath her bra, she can’t help but to concede the argument. They spend the rest of the night kissing and figuring out how far they can go without going too far for April’s comfort.

The second time she’s invited to dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Wesley insist that she call them Anderson and Debbie. It’s awkward at first and takes time to break that polite habit, but they insist, and April has never really been good at saying no to a Wesley. Sterling and Blair are both shocked as not even Luke was allowed to call them by their first name. After a lengthy dinner, Debbie and Anderson insist that they all watch a movie together and after some tough convincing Sterling and Blair reluctantly agree. Debbie eyes her and Sterling as they sit next to each on the couch and share a blanket and April once again gets the feeling that Sterling’s parents know more about their relationship than she’d like and that this is all a ploy to keep her and Sterling from being alone together. They “argue” over which movie to watch but eventually settle on _Star Wars_ since April is the guest and truthfully, she’s happy to share this thing she loves so much with the people who feel more like a family to her than her own parents. Sterling smiles at her with so much adoration it makes April speechless, but she can tell that Sterling is also annoyed about having to spend most of the rest of their time together with her parents and Blair, so April secretly holds her hand under their blanket for the entire movie.

Their last couple of hours together are spent in Sterling’s bed with a random TV show playing in the background, just in case. Though April doesn’t want their relationship to just be about sex, she’s more than happy to continue exploring the more sexual parts of their relationship. It’s exhilarating for April to discover the precise ways in which to move her body against Sterling’s such that she’s rewarded with the soft sighs and quiet moans that escape from her even softer lips. As with everything April does, she takes note of the way Sterling’s body reacts to hers and works to perfect her technique. She won’t be happy if Sterling is anything less than satisfied. She assumes she’s accomplished her goal when she opens her eyes to see that Sterling’s face is flushed a deep shade of red, but what she isn’t expecting is for Sterling to admit that April had given her an orgasm and the way that makes her feel. Filled with confidence and lust for the irresistible girl splayed out beneath her, April makes it her mission to satisfy Sterling as many times as possible before she has to leave. By the time she’s at home and in bed, April is still in shock about the effect she has on Sterling Wesley when she hasn’t even taken all of her clothes off yet.

The following two weeks are just as good as, if not better, than the previous two weeks. April and her mother go to church together and the whispers about John Stevens’ absence have finally subsided. April suspects that it has something to do with the combined efforts of Pastor Booth, Debbie, and Anderson in reminding the congregation that they shouldn’t gossip or pass judgement. An earlier wish of April’s is also fulfilled now that she can smile at Sterling as she and her mother make their way to their pew and she no longer has to pretend that Sterling doesn’t exist. They’re nowhere near close to being out at church, but April is happy for the progress they’ve made and for that April feels as if God is finally answering her prayers. April and her mother even hang around after church to talk with the Wesley’s, which earns April’s mother an invitation back to the monthly book club. April is happy when her mom accepts, knowing that things will be easier for her if she can also rebuild her friendships and gain some of her autonomy back.

Things with Luke improve as well, though frustratingly at first. He’s once again cornered April as she designs posters in the Fellowship room for their annual canned food and clothing drive. This year they’ll be donating to homeless shelters in and around Atlanta and April has every intention of making sure it’s the most successful donation drive Willingham has ever seen. He asks her a lot of uncomfortable questions about Sterling, whether she talks about him and if she’s seeing someone else. Its nearly identical to the conversation they had before the lock-in and April has to grit her teeth and focus on breathing through her nose so she doesn’t say something she’ll later regret. It would be so much easier if she could just tell Luke that she and Sterling were together, but she’d never do that without Sterling’s permission and she doesn’t think she’s quite yet ready to tell anyone else about her secret. She doesn’t know how Luke would handle the news and jealous exes are nothing but a liability in April’s book. When Luke eventually leaves, April is so fraught with nerves that she has to text Sterling about it to calm her down. Of course, Ellen notices and accuses her of being MOBOT, but when April admits that she’s texting Sterling Ellen just gives her a hug and lets it slides. A few days later Luke apologizes for his actions and admits that he misses Sterling’s friendship and that he’s happy she and Sterling are friends again. April smiles politely but doesn’t elaborate on her relationship with Sterling. Though she doesn’t actively avoid Luke after that, she still keeps her interactions with him to a minimum. It’s not much but it’s a small step towards mending bridges and working towards the day that she and Sterling can hopefully come out to Luke.

Probably most surprising to April is the progress that she’s made in therapy with Sam. It’s taken some time, but April has learned to trust Sam fully, almost as much as she trusts Sterling. There are still things that April can’t talk to Sam about, like Sterling and Blair’s secret job as bounty hunters and their role in her father’s arrest, but she can talk to Sam about the way her father’s arrest affected her and how much freer she feels now that he’s gone. Sam helps her to work through some of her anger towards her father and provides her with an outlet to discuss her fears about coming out. April’s panic attacks have mostly subsided, though now she knows what signs to look for and how to ground herself when she feels one starting.

By the time Debbie’s book club rolls around, April and Sterling find themselves offering to help out with the hosting, potentially hoping to sneak a few moments alone together while everyone is preoccupied with wine and hors d’oeuvres. She politely declines and insists that they plan something else for the day. Sterling is happy with the arrangement and doesn’t argue the point, but April has a gut feeling that Debbie doesn’t want them around the prying eyes of the women in their community especially considering that she accepts Blair’s help. She pushes the thought to the back of her mind though as she and Sterling plan something to do for the day. They end up in downtown Atlanta for brunch in a little café and they sit next to each other in their booth and hold hands. April even dares to kiss Sterling a few times. It’s a big leap forward in their relationship to show affection so openly in public. It has April’s heart beating wildly in her chest. But nonetheless, it’s something that she wants to do for herself and for Sterling, something she can’t give to Sterling in the confines of their conservative community. She knows she’s made the right decision when Sterling whispers in her ear to tell her how proud she is of April. Since there’s little chance of seeing anyone they know in downtown Atlanta anyway, she continues to hold Sterling’s hand as they explore some shops before taking a walk through a park. April and Sterling are so caught up in the excitement of being out in public together that they don’t take notice to the familiar face approaching them from the opposite direction. They both startle a bit when Ellen Johnson greets them when she’s only a few feet away and introduces them to Sarah, her mail lady. April and Sterling pretend not to notice the obvious blush on Ellen cheeks and they never bring up the incident again.

The following weekend Sterling offers to go with April to the grocery store so they can buy canned food for Willingham’s donation drive. She meets Sterling at her house and waits in her car for Sterling come outside. When she does, Sterling insists on taking Anderson’s truck and though Sterling’s driving scares the living daylights out of April she agrees because she knows that Sterling will at least be careful with the truck after her and Blair’s run-in with their very first skip. When they get to the store and Sterling has parked the truck, she admits to April that she’s dipped into her portion of the earnings from bounty hunting to fund their grocery trip. Specifically, two hundred dollars’ worth of earnings. “It’s just that I still feel guilty about everything with your dad even though I know you forgive me and it’s the Christian thing to do to help those in need and did you know that the Trevor Project estimates that forty percent of homeless youth identify in the LGBTQ+ community because I did not and it hurts my heart so much and…” And April thinks she’s never been so in love with Sterling Wesley as much as she is in that moment and she doesn’t know how to tell Sterling, so she resorts to kissing her instead and there’s a lot of crying on her part. She knows that someone could see them, but she can’t bring herself to care when Sterling has done something so incredibly wonderful. When she pulls back and sees the lopsided grin on Sterling’s face, April knows with absolute certainty that Sterling is the one for her and she’s never felt so blessed by God.


	21. I Love Her So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering where Bowser was, I had to give him a whole chapter :)

After they finish packing up the last of the groceries into the bed of Anderson’s truck, Sterling offers to drive them to Yogurtopia and promises April as much free yogurt as she can eat, which April guesses Bowser will just end up docking from Sterling’s pay. As Sterling drives, April slides across the seat and rests her head against Sterling’s shoulder. They don’t talk but the silence is peaceful. April couldn’t deny that she had been distracted thinking about the domesticity of her and Sterling grocery shopping together and all the other domestic things they could do when they were free to live their lives out in the open together. When they pull up in from of Yogurtopia, Sterling barely has the engine off before she’s reaching for the door. April can’t blame her for being excited, but she wants a few more moments alone with Sterling so she grabs her by the waist and pulls her closer. “Can we just sit here for a few minutes first?”

Sterling leans back against the driver’s side door and motions for April join her. When April is resting comfortably in her arms, she asks, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just… well I… I’m not really sure how to say what I’m feeling.” Words rarely fail April and when they do its usually because of Sterling Wesley and most of the time it’s for a good reason. Still, April curses the fact that she’s having difficulty crafting the English language to her needs and that every combination of words she comes up with seem to get stuck on the tip of her tongue. On a second thought though, she’s not really sure that the words she needs exist. She sits up and faces Sterling and searchers her eyes for something akin to understanding, something to tell April that Sterling gets the intensity of her feelings. What she finds staring back at her is a look so full of tender affection and devotion that April imagines this is how Sterling’s face would look if the Heavens were to open up and God himself appeared to them. There’s no doubt in April’s mind that Sterling really does understand, but she still leans in to kiss Sterling and allows her lips say what her words cannot. When she pulls away, they’re both a little breathless and awestruck. “I love you Sterling but what I feel for you right now is also so much more than that. It’s so powerful and intense that I think there are no human words that could do it justice. It transcends verbal descriptions.” When Sterling leans in to connect their lips one last time, April thinks this is how she’ll kiss Sterling on their wedding day.

Bowser is every bit of the person Sterling and Blair described him to be. As they walk up to the counter to check out the frozen yogurt and toppings selection, he simply grunts at them in acknowledgement and mutters something about teenagers and yogurt and knocking his side hustle before disappearing into the back room and loudly slamming the door. Sterling looks at her apologetically but smiles none the less. “He’s just grumpy about Terrance and Yolanda. Give him a minute.” Completely unfazed by Bowser’s mood, she dips behind the counter and grabs two large bowls for them. “So, what flavor do you want?”

April takes some time to examine her different options carefully, still thinking about the peculiar Bowser. If it hadn’t been for everything Sterling and Blair told her about Bowser, April would probably be a bit terrified of him. But despite his brusqueness, April secretly knows he’s got a big softie and has a weak spot for the twins. She also knows that he’d deny it if asked. Satisfied she’s settled on an appealing yogurt choice she leans over the counter and tells Sterling, “Vanilla and chocolate topped with salted caramel pieces.”

“Sweet and savory. An excellent choice.”

Sterling hands her the bowl and then she watches on in abject horror as Sterling dishes herself a bowl of a cake batter flavored frozen yogurt topped with brownie bits, gummy bears, and M&Ms. April can’t say she’s surprised, given that Sterling did eat pizza topped with jello. Admittedly, she was drunk at the time, but April wouldn’t put it past a sober Sterling especially as she witnesses Sterling take a large bite of her concoction, savoring it as one might taste test a wine. She nods her head to no one in particular. “Definitely have to tell Blair about this combination. Don’t let me forget. We have a twenty-four-hour turnaround time. Do you want to try some?”

She sticks her bowl out towards April to offer her some. If the repulsive contents inside didn’t make April’s stomach churn, she’s certain she’d be falling head over heels in love with Sterling _again_. And she’s already done that multiple times today. So, as it turns out, April learns that she is perfectly capable of saying no to a Wesley. “I would never.” She speaks the words as sweetly as possible and she hopes that Sterling is too distracted with her yogurt to notice the poorly hidden look of disgust on her face. The last thing she wants is to get into an argument with a Wesley over frozen yogurt combinations or to knock Bowser’s side hustle.

Bowser emerges from the back room almost as if he has a sixth sense for when either of the twins is eating frozen yogurt they haven’t paid for. “Y’all better have paid for that.” He busies himself with something at the cash register, still muttering something to himself that April can’t quite make out.

And Sterling, for her part, is not perturbed by Bowser in the least and just shrugs her shoulders. April, on the other hand, thinks they should have picked a different day to do _this_ introduction. “You can take it out of my paycheck.” He just grumbles and April gets the feeling that this is a much more common occurrence than she initially thought because he doesn’t argue and upon a more thorough consideration of Bowser, he doesn’t even seem angry with Sterling. “Hey Bowser…?”

Bowser puts down the container of pretzel bits that he had been refilling and looks at Sterling. He doesn’t pay April much attention and that’s okay with her because she’s still getting used to this unique form of communication between Sterling and Bowser and she figures it’d be best if she didn’t say anything for the time being. “Sterling.”

It isn’t until Sterling moves to stand next to April that she realizes that Sterling actually looks anxious. She’d been too preoccupied with getting a read on Bowser. They exchange a look and it’s enough for April to figure out what Sterling is about to do. They haven’t talked about it, but the risk of Bowser knowing is low and this time the decision rests in Sterling’s hands. Though Sterling isn’t afraid, _per se_ , it will be the first time that she comes out to someone besides Blair, so April understands why she’s nervous. John Stevens’ history with bounty hunters probably doesn’t help the matter.

“This is April… April Stevens.”

Bowser’s eyes go wide in shock as realization dawns on him. He likely doesn’t know many Stevens’ who associate with Wesley’s, so it naturally doesn’t take long for him to connect the dots. “Shit, Sterling. Fuck.” He goes through the motions. _Who_ April’s father is will probably be a bigger issue to Bowser than her relationship with Sterling. “You brought her here?”

Sterling shrugs, knowing Bowser has nothing to worry about regarding April. She wouldn’t tell anyone about their bounty hunting anyway and if she did, they probably wouldn’t believe her. “There’s something else. Um… April is my girlfriend.”

At this, Bowser’s expression softens. It surprises April because for a minute she’d thought that Bowser actually was angry with Sterling for bringing April to his bounty hunting business. “No kiddin’.” He crosses his arms. “I assume you don’t go around kissin’ all your friends outside of my yogurt shop in your daddy’s truck?” April can feel her ears burn red, but Sterling is smiling one of her goofy smiles, so she assumes that this is Bowser’s special way of showing Sterling he supports them. Her theory is proved correct when she Sterling practically leaps across the room to hug him. “Hey now, I’m happy for y’all. And for the record, I’m sorry about your father kid.”

April is so happy for Sterling that she ignores her annoyance at being called a kid. “It’s okay. It’s in the past.” April doesn’t know if it’s because she’s finally met Bowser or if it’s because of her work with Sam or if it’s because of Sterling or any combination of the three, but for the first time in months the mention of her father’s arrest doesn’t fill her with anger and sadness and disappointment. It is simply, as she put it, in the past. The only thing that matters to April now is looking forward to her and Sterling’s future together. “And you saved Sterling that night so I can’t really be angry at you, even if I tried.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without her… and Blair. Even though y’all get on my nerves and eat too much damn yogurt.”

They all laugh together, and April basks in the sincerity she finds in Bowser’s eyes. He’s all growl with no bite and he’s just as susceptible to the Wesley charm as she is. She’s happy that Sterling has Bowser in her life and that she’s chosen to share their secret with him especially since they’re not planning on telling Debbie and Anderson about them any time soon. With the introductions out of the way, they move from the front of the store into the back room, but not before Sterling refills her bowl with more frozen yogurt. April happily notes that it’s just chocolate, an innocuous choice, and this time she does accept Sterling’s offer to share it with her. April’s officially lost count of how many times she’s fallen for Sterling Wesley today.

Their conversation shifts to bounty hunting. Sterling reveals she wants to go back in the field after mainly running operations from Yogurtopia, doing research about their skips for Blair and Bowser while they do recon and stake outs and bring the bad guys, and sometimes women, in. The thought of Sterling returning to the field doesn’t necessarily thrill April, but Sterling loves bounty hunting and she’s good at it so she doesn’t want to stand in Sterling’s way. She wants to be supportive in the ways that Sterling has supported her. But April does have questions, so Bowser spends the next hour answering all of April’s questions about bounty hunting and regurgitating his previous work experience as a police officer and a bounty hunter. April wanted to see his CV, but Bowser stared at her as if she had three heads, so she dropped it. He then spent another thirty minutes assuring April that Sterling, and Blair, would be perfectly safe and that he wouldn’t let any harm come to them. April is not as convinced as she’d like to be. She can still see the faint scar on Sterling’s face from the time someone chucked a Bible at her, a blasphemous use of the Bible if you ask April. Sterling also mentioned she’d used her gun a couple of times, including to shoot out the tires of a car to which Blair had clung to in an attempt to stop a skip from escaping.

All of it worried April, but Sterling had included her in the decision to go back into the field even though she didn’t have to and Bowser put her number in his phone as ‘The Other Blonde One’ with a promise to call April immediately if anything ever did happen to Sterling or Blair. And if that wasn’t enough to appease April, Bowser also let her take a third serving of frozen yogurt to go, on the house of course. As Sterling drove her home, April’s only prayer was that Sterling didn’t end up like that horse on the force.


	22. Everything's Made To Be Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone ask for a bit of angst and Hannah B backstory? If not, you're getting it.
> 
> Please don't come for me with pitchforks.

April sat at home alone reading from 1 Chronicles after having slogged her way through 1 Kings and 2 Kings. They weren’t particularly invigorating chapters to read. April actually found them quite boring, though she’d only ever admit that to Sterling, but absorbing all of the information about the lineages and the history of the Kings of Israel and Judah required a certain level of concentration and she needed the distraction. When she was younger, she had tried to commit all of the lineages to memory, “Like the Republican presidents.” A much younger April had quickly accepted defeat in her undertaking and settled for memorizing just the lineage of Jesus, starting with Ruth and Boaz. She could definitely pass the time reciting that a few times.

Distracted, April checked her phone for any new messages from Sterling. This evening marked Sterling’s first time back in the field since her kidnapping and their meeting with Bowser. April spent the past week worrying about it, but Sterling had eagerly assured her that she would be back in time for a late dinner and a mini Star Wars marathon and that they could take advantage of April’s mother’s absence for the rest of the weekend. Their plan was supposedly simple. But now it was pushing 10:00 p.m. and Sterling was running two hours late. April never wanted to prevent Sterling from doing something she loved, but she bitterly cursed Sterling’s secret occupation for putting her in danger’s way. The worst part was not knowing what was holding Sterling up. The only thing preventing April from losing it was knowing that their skip was a non-violent offender and Bowser’s reassurance that he would call April if anything ever did happen to Sterling or Blair. She trusted Bowser even though she hardly knew him. Not many people could have tracked down Dana and Levi, but he did and because of it she and Sterling had gotten a second chance together. So, April reasoned, Sterling probably wasn’t in any real danger. _This time_. Still, a hard knot formed in the pit of her stomach and a voice in the back of her head kept telling her that she should be worried.

April returned to her reading hoping to put her mind at ease. She found a trifling amount of comfort in the words of David to his son Solomon, ‘And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.’ Since the day she and Sterling had worked on their Bible Studies project together, April always unconsciously smiled at any mention of King David or King Solomon. She spent a lot of time thinking about David and Jonathan, how Jonathan’s love for David was more wonderful than that of women, and how even after Jonathan’s death David continued to show kindness towards his descendants because of the love he still felt for Jonathan. That thought alone usually brought April to tears, unable to fathom David’s loss. So tonight, this verse struck a different chord in her own heart. God didn’t just create her in His image, but he also understood what was in her heart and mind, body and soul. He understood April’s fears about coming out, He understood her desperation to blend in amongst the straight people to keep herself safe, and He understood the depths of her love for Sterling. Even if no one else in April’s life could understand that, He did, and April added this logic to her arsenal of reasons why God wouldn’t smite her for being a lesbian or for loving Sterling Wesley.

It was quarter past eleven when April’s phone chimed with a message from Sterling, who was finally back from catching the skip and waiting outside on the front porch. April read and reread the message with bated breath, thankful that she had been worrying over nothing. She sprinted from her room and down the stairs, feeling as if her feet could not quite carry her fast enough to the place she knew Sterling was waiting for her. But when she threw open the door, the sight of Sterling standing in front of her was not one that she expected to see. She gasped in horror as she took in Sterling’s knotted hair, her tired eyes and the bandage at the base of her neck which was slightly soaked through with blood. Her clothes were torn and dirty. April tried to speak but her words lodged painfully in her throat. She gasped for air and her vision blurred until one Sterling Wesley multiplied into a nightmarish mirage.

Sterling took April by the arms and led her inside to the living room. “I’m okay April. I’m right here. Everything’s okay.”

April knew Sterling was only trying to comfort her, but she couldn’t understand how Sterling could think anything about this situation was okay. By now, they were supposed to be cuddled on the couch together watching _Return of the Jedi_ and maybe getting too distracted by each other and having an entire house to themselves for the weekend to finish watching it. Instead, Sterling looked as if she had just narrowly escaped death. In that instant, April’s mood shifted from shock to searing rage. “You’re okay? That’s all you have to say? You were supposed to be here hours ago!” Sterling flinched and April could tell from the look on Sterling’s face just how upset she was. April had never really screamed at Sterling like this before, even when she was angry with her. But she was scared and so she could only focus on her anger.

Tears fell from Sterling’s eyes, not unlike the night of the lock-in when they talked on the bench that April still couldn’t bring herself to look at. Despite her anger, each drop released from Sterling’s glossy eyes broke her heart like glass falling against concrete. “April, I can explain.”

April stood with her arms crossed waiting for Sterling to explain what had happened, but no explanation came. “I’m waiting.”

“Okay, so… it turns out our supposedly non-violent skip did have a bit of a violent history, but we didn’t know about it because his records were sealed.”

“What did he do?”

“A couple of assaults a few years back when he was a teenager. But I don’t think it was because he was a teenage bounty hunter.” She chuckled lightly.

“Sterling, this isn’t funny.”

“No, of course not! You’re right. I’m sorry.”

The silence between them drew out and neither one of them spoke or moved from their positions on opposite sides of the living room for a few long minutes. They stayed that way until April could no longer bear the way Sterling was looking at her, an agonizing admixture of love and sadness and hurt and hope. “I need you to leave.” It took all of her willpower to keep the tremor out of her voice.

“What?”

“I said I want you to leave.”

“Please, April, can’t we just…”

“No Sterling. Don’t make this any harder than it already is. Just go.” April couldn’t bring herself to watch as Sterling picked up her bag and walked out the door only to be greeted by the cold grips of a dark November night, defeated and completely devasted.

April awoke late the next morning. Her head throbbed and her entire body ached after spending the whole night crying and panicking. Seeing Sterling injured had been a breaking point for her. April needed time to be alone to process what had happened, to organize the chaos in her mind into neat, manageable boxes. Everything was still so messy though. She couldn’t shake the thought that Sterling could have died with their entire lives ahead of them and she didn’t think she could survive losing Sterling like that.

April checked her phone and found a few new messages Sterling had sent at random hours of the night. Messages asking if she was alright and if they could FaceTime, that it was just a _minor_ cut and she was sorry for not calling April as soon as possible. One message saying, ‘ _I love you_.’ She was about to text Sterling some generic response in return when Hannah B called. “Hey Hannah, what’s up?”

“Can you come over?”

Hannah B’s voice sounded hollow through the phone. “Yeah, are you okay?”

April listened closely as she heard a loud rustling and an exasperated sigh. She imagined Hannah B was doing her angry pacing in her bedroom. “I’m really angry at Blair!”

April had to move the phone away from her ear. Hannah B usually never realized when she was screaming through the phone and that it was unpleasant for the person on the other side and April thought better of reminding her of that. Bothering Hannah B when she was in a biting mood could also be dangerous. “I can’t really say that I’m surprised. I’m also angry at Sterling so I’m free all weekend if you want to have a sleepover.”

“Does that mean you know about the hunting accident?”

“The… what the… oh!” _Blair…_ “Yes, I know about the… hunting accident.”

“I thought hunting season was over.

“People are in season all year.”

“Don’t be ridiculous April. You can’t hunt people. That’s called murder. And Blair doesn’t like guns. Even I know that.”

“Right… I’ll be there in thirty.”

Exactly thirty minutes later April was knocking on Hannah B’s front door. It’d been too long since the of them had spent any quality time together, so even though they were angry at the Wesley twins April was happy to spend time with her friend. Hannah B bounced excitedly when she opened the door and pulled April into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here April. You know I don’t like being alone for too long.”

“Where’s your mom?”

“She went out for drinks.”

“Han, it’s not even eleven. In the morning.”

“Oh,” Hannah B’s eyes welled with tears. “Then… she never came back.”

“She went out last night?” Hannah B nodded. “If she’s not back by one, I’ll call around and ask if anyone’s seen her.”

“We were going to make honeycomb cookies.”

“Hey, it’ll be okay. We can make them together.” April pulled her into another hug, her heart breaking for her friend. Even though Charlotte Burton’s drinking was out of hand, Hannah B loved to spend time with her mom. Unlike April and her mother, they were very close. They shared everything and spent a lot of time in the kitchen cooking and baking together. April liked Charlotte well enough. She had always been kind and welcoming to April and Ezekiel so they would end up spending a lot of time at the Burton’s house. It was a marked improvement over spending time at her own house, where her father could rarely hide his disapproval of her friends, though he stopped making snide comments about them after April refused to talk to him for a week. Since she rarely stood up to him, he knew she was serious. And Ezekiel’s parents would never allow the three of them to hang out in his room together, even with the door open, but Charlotte knew better than to worry about such things as that. Despite her drinking, April respected the way she treated Ezekiel. Though Geraldine Hanning was Charlotte’s best friend and she often was loose lipped when it came to secrets (such as Sterling and Luke having sex) she never once mentioned the elephant in the room: Ezekiel’s obvious attraction to boys. If she was somehow aware that April was also gay, she never mentioned it and she didn’t treat April differently for it. Relatively speaking, she didn’t really have any rules.

The matter of her drinking was a much bigger issue though because this was not the first time that Charlotte had ever disappeared and when she did, April was usually the one to keep Hannah B company and to remind her to eat. Once, Hannah B hadn’t eaten for almost a full twenty-four hours because she was waiting for her mom to come home for dinner. April took it upon herself to cook for Hannah B when that happened and then she also became the person to call around and figure out where Charlotte had ended up for the night. It surprised her that no one had staged an intervention yet.

They spent the rest of the morning in light-hearted chatter and baking cookies. April did what she could to distract Hannah B from thinking about her mom and Blair. She also tried not to think about Sterling even though the other girl always seemed to be present somewhere in her mind. When lunch time rolled around, April made them both omelettes while Hannah B kept an eye on the cookies. April had to be extra observant to make sure Hannah B didn’t forget them in the oven. She was a good baker, but terrible with setting timers.

As the time inched closer to one in the afternoon, Hannah B started to grow more concerned about her mom and April began making phone calls. She called Lynn Creswell which had been an awkward affair because she wanted to talk about the possibility of April going on a date with Luke, who apparently had let it slip that April flirted with him at the lock-in. Naturally, she was still hanging onto that months after the fact. She also called Geraldine and Pastor Booth and then Pastor Booth’s wife because they frequented the country club on Friday nights and sometimes on Saturday afternoons. She even called Ellen because she lived near a bar that Charlotte liked. Ellen sounded mortified at the idea of seeing someone she knew at a bar and felt the need to assure April that she was not some wild party animal. April considered that it would do Ellen some good to let loose a little bit and relax and was about to respond when Ellen suddenly hung up on her because her mail had arrived and she needed to ‘Check my mailbox.’ Apparently they were still avoiding that topic. She called to the country club and a couple bars before dialing the one number she’d been avoiding.

“Hello? April?”

“Hi Debbie.”

“Did you want to talk to Sterling? I thought she was supposed to be spending the weekend at your house.”

“No, no, that’s okay. I called to talk to you actually. I had to go over to Hannah B’s house. Have you seen or heard from Charlotte?”

“I haven’t. I assume you called all the usual suspects?”

“Yeah, no one’s seen her.”

“Is Hannah okay?”

“She will be when we figure out where her mom is.”

“Someone should really stage an intervention for that woman.”

“I can’t argue with that.”

“Let me know if y’all need anything, okay? And are you sure you don’t want to talk to Sterling? I can go get her for you.”

“No, that’s okay. I really should get going. We’ve got cookies in the oven and you know how easily Hannah forgets to take them out.”

“Alright, bye April.”

April released a huge sigh of relief when Debbie hung up the phone. She always seemed to know more than she let on, which sent April on regular tailspins and nosedives into panic mode. And she couldn’t deal with that on top of helping Hannah B. A few more hours passed and Charlotte still hadn’t arrived home. Hannah B had become more withdrawn and refused to pick something to eat from their takeout menu. April was also silently panicking on the inside but she wanted to appear cool and composed to her friend. “Han, I think I know someone who can help us find your mom, but…”

“But what?”

“We’ll have to call Sterling and Blair.”

“Oh, but we’re angry at them. Like _really_ angry.”

“I know Han, but they’re our only hope.”

“Did you just quote Star Wars to me?”

“Sort of?”

April pulled up Sterling’s contact information on her phone. Her thumb hovered over the call button before changing her mind and calling Blair instead. The phone rang and she waited.


	23. Drink It Off Your Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proceed with caution. And a box of tissues.

“Sterling and Blair are on their way. They were at Yogurtopia, so it’ll take them a bit to get here.” April sat down on the floor next to Hannah B. She looked so small propped up against the couch with her arms wrapped around her legs. April never understood why Hannah B would want to sit on the uncomfortable hardwood floor, but Sam had once explained to her that it can help some people to feel grounded when they’re having a panic attack. Hannah B wasn’t there yet, but now that she knew Hannah B struggled with them too, April didn’t question her methods. “Do you want to talk about how your song writing is going?” She didn’t say it nearly enough, but Hannah B was rather skillful with the guitar and she enjoyed listening as Hannah B performed her own original songs and played covers for her and Ezekiel. She was as apt with a guitar as April was with debate.

“I wrote a song about my dad.”

“Do you want to play it for me?”

“No. I think I’d like to keep it for myself. Its personal.” Hannah B’s head bowed towards the floor and April couldn’t see her face, but she knew the pain that was written there. It made her own heart to ache because of how hard Hannah B’s life had been and how pure she was for still trying to find beauty in a world that had treated her too harshly. “I miss him. Don’t get me wrong, Dave is great and he’s good to me and my mom, but he’s always at the hospital working and he’s barely around. I know she drinks too much, but my mom is the only thing I have left of my dad. Whenever she disappears like this, I get scared that she’ll never come home again.”

April remembered the day in fifth grade that she and Hannah B had become friends. It was shortly after her falling out with Sterling and she had ducked into a bathroom to avoid seeing her with Luke as they walked down the hallway to class together. April was angry that Sterling would choose Luke over her and she was busy convincing herself that she was definitely _not_ jealous of Luke Creswell. When she noticed Hannah B standing in front of the sinks crying April felt bad for her. She was always in a bubbly mood, but no one was really friends with her because they said she was weird. April only knew that Hannah B liked flowers and music and that her dad flew airplanes. Since they had spoken a few times in class April felt it would be acceptable for her to ask Hannah B if she was okay. She was also reading _Mere Christianity_ at the time and she thought about a line that she had recently read: ‘True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.’ April reasoned it was the Christian thing to do, to forget about Sterling Wesley long enough to check on one of her classmates. So, she carefully approached Hannah B to get her attention and they began talking. She agreed that Hannah B was a bit odd, but she was really nice, and April felt that was more important. She learned that Hannah B’s dad was sick and had been diagnosed with cancer. ‘Stage four’ was what everyone had told her. Hannah B didn’t know what kind of cancer he had, and she didn’t really understand what cancer was let alone stage four cancer, but she understood her dad wasn’t going to get better. From that day on, April had stuck by Hannah B’s side and she was there to comfort her a few months later when her dad died.

A lot of people from their community attended his funeral because he was well-liked by everyone and April thought she had never seen so many sad people in one place. Hannah B and her mom were crying in the pew at the front of the church, and April noticed that many of the other adults were crying too, even some of the men, like Anderson Wesley. April was confused because she thought that boys didn’t cry because her father said it was unbecoming of them. But when April turned in her seat to look at her father, he was also crying a bit. He smiled down at April and hugged her tightly into his side and it made her feel safe. April was happy because she still had her dad, but she felt sad that Hannah B didn’t have a dad anymore, so she started crying too. Pastor Booth also had to take a moment to collect himself as he conducted the service. His eyes were filled with anguish as he watched the grieving family fall apart. “Lord have mercy on this family” He had said. And everyone replied in unison, “Amen.” April held Hannah B’s hand the entire time after the service. Everyone was telling her mom how sorry they were for her loss and no one really paid attention to them until a boy from their class, Ezekiel was his name, came over to them and asked Hannah B if she needed a hug. He gave her one and by the following week the three of them had become inseparable. Hannah B’s mom started drinking shortly after. She met her current husband Dave a couple years later.

“Have you ever talked to your mom about how her drinking makes you feel?”

“No. I don’t want to make her sad because sometimes I hear her crying at night when she thinks I’m sleeping.” Hannah B was really the epitome of true humility sometimes, always trying to put others before herself. April regretted that she had lost her way quite a bit, blinded by her fear of being outed and having stopped at nothing to protect her deepest and darkest secret. “Is my mom a bad person?”

“No, Han, she isn’t. Struggling with addiction doesn’t make you inherently bad. I think she’s in a lot of pain.”

“I think she is too.” Piece by piece, Hannah B was falling apart in front of April just like she had after her dad died. April scooted closer to Hannah B and pulled her into a hug. She would hug Hannah B for an entire day if it would take away her pain. “Do you think Ezekiel can come over? I really wish he was here with us.”

“Probably not. Geraldine knows your mom isn’t here, so she won’t let him come over. He texted me though and asked us to keep him updated.”

“I don’t understand why his mom worries so much about him being alone with us. She has to know we’re not his type.”

“I’m sure she does. She’s just in denial.”

“I can’t imagine how lonely he must feel sometimes. It hurts my heart.”

“That’s why we’re going to be there for Ezekiel whenever he needs us. He needs people in his corner, just like we do.”

“Did you feel that way too? Alone?”

April thought of all the years she spent policing her behavior around other girls and perfecting her image as a straight, Christian girl. She spent so much time yearning for someone she believed she could never have and reminding herself that for the foreseeable future she would never be able to love another girl openly. Those years were hard, and she hated pretending to be someone she wasn’t and as a result she became bitter and as insufferable as it felt to hide her secret. “It feels very lonely to be trapped in the closet, but things are better now because I have you and Ezekiel and Sterling and Blair.”

“Even though we’re angry at Sterling and Blair.”

“Han, we won’t be angry at them forever.”

“I know. I’m happy you get to finally be yourself even if you still have to hide sometimes.”

“So am I. And I’m thankful that you’re one of my best friends.”

April was not nearly prepared enough to see Sterling and Blair when they arrived at Hannah B’s house. She could see them through the frosted glass window, which meant they could see her too, but she couldn’t bring herself to open the door. Her conversation with Hannah B was short but emotionally taxing so she didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with Sterling and Blair’s “hunting accident” on top of everything else. She took a moment to remind herself that she needed to be strong for Hannah B no matter how unnerved she felt. She pulled opened the door and came face to face with the Wesley twins, who looked as miserable as ever. The space between them was filled with tension as they exchanged uncomfortable glances with each other. No one was willing to be the first to speak though it looked like there was plenty that Sterling wanted to say. April tried to offer her a reassuring smile, but it did little to ease the strained look knitted into Sterling’s sullen expression. Whatever lay ahead for them, they would get through it. April truly believed that after everything they’d overcome to be together. But Hannah B had to be the priority until they found her mom.

“Sooooo… what’s the emergency?”

“Hannah B’s mom is missing. I’ve called around to everyone she spends time with and the country club and some of the bars that she frequents but no one has seen her since last night.”

“And you’ve got no idea where else she could be?”

“No, Blair, I do not know where else she could be. Hence why I said she’s _missing_.” April snapped. On any other day April would say she enjoyed Blair’s company, in moderation of course, and would be more patient with her. Today, however, Blair poked every one of her buttons by simply existing. “Have you not been listening?” April closed her eyes and took a calming breath. “We need your help to find her and Hannah B is really upset so the sooner we figure out where she is the better.”

“I could keep Hannah B company and try to cheer her up.”

“You think I called you here to cheer Hannah B up? My God, Blair, you can be so dense sometimes.” Sterling and Blair gawked at her. Having dealt with April and snippy moods for years didn’t prepare them for this. “You’re freaking bounty hunters. Isn’t tracking people down your specialty or whatever?”

“Yeah, you could say that. We did find your dad.” Blair’s eyes widened as she realized the mistake she made, and it earned her one of April’s best death glares and a hard shove from Sterling.

“You’re on very thin ice Wesley and let me make something clear. Hannah B is very fragile right now. If you do anything _, anything_ , to upset her I will come for your head.” April made no attempt her disdain. “And after we find Hannah B’s mom, you are going to explain to Hannah B exactly what you do when you go out ‘hunting’. Because she thought, and I quote, that hunting season was over.”

“I’ll go call Bowser.” She turned to Sterling. “Your girlfriend is kind of scary.”

Blair left April and Sterling alone in the doorway with what seemed like a million unspoken things standing between them. April itched to reach out for Sterling, to seek the comfort she knew she could find in the warmth of Sterling’s soft skin. Sterling had drifted closer to April, just enough that if she slightly extended her arm outward, she could have the world at the tip of her fingers, the one that God created for her. It would be so easy for April to immerse herself in Sterling and got lost in that world.

Sterling, just as susceptible to the forces drawing them together, took April by the hand. Her grip was gentle and yet firm at the same time. “Can we talk?”

April closed her eyes and sighed at the contact. It was everything she needed and didn’t need at the same time. She silently reprimanded herself. _Don’t get lost, don’t let her suck you in. Hannah B has to come first tonight. Be humble. Think of yourself less. God, she feels so good. No. Stop that!_ “I don’t think now’s the right time for that. Hannah B needs us and that should take precedence right now.” Sterling seemed to understand despite the hint of disappointment in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I understand and you’re right.”

“Hey,” April cupped Sterling’s cheek and slowly brushed her thumb across her maxilla, “I love you Sterl. I love you so much, so can that be enough for now?”

Sterling nodded her head and pressed a kiss to April’s forehead. “Yes, it can be. And just in case you didn’t know, I love you too.”

April smiled, more lighthearted than before and relieved that she and Sterling had come to an understanding. “You should come inside now.”

April led Sterling to where Hannah B sat in the living room and they waited together until Blair finished talking to Bowser on the phone. He agreed to call around to some of his connections in the police department. He would also try to track Charlotte’s phone and her credit cards if that failed. Sterling and Blair were to make calls to the local hospitals. April doubted she had been admitted to a hospital. Dave was a renowned brain surgeon, and no one would hesitate to contact him if something had happened to his wife. And if that were the case, he would have called Hannah B or he would have come home to be with her. April repeated this logic over and over to Hannah B, who started teetering on the edge of a complete meltdown when she realized that Sterling and Blair were calling hospitals and subsequently panicked that her mom had been hurt. Thankfully, Ezekiel was able to FaceTime with them and he sang to Hannah B through the phone which helped to calm her down. April would remember that trick in the future.

A couple hours passed and the twins were still calling hospitals, but they had expanded their initial radius. All of the talking was overwhelming for Hannah B, so April made them move to the kitchen while she occupied Hannah B’s attention with videos of puppies on YouTube. Baby animals had always been a weak spot for Hannah B, so it was easy enough to keep her distracted from the bustle in the kitchen. April even convinced her to eat one of the cookies they had baked earlier in the day, which wasn’t necessarily healthy, but April was just happy to see her eat _something_. Then, headlights from the driveway roused their attention, followed by voices at the door, followed by the welcome sight of Charlotte and Bowser. April wanted to be angry with Bowser for not calling her after Sterling had gotten injured catching their skip, but he had now helped two people she cared a great deal for, and he really had no reason to help Hannah B except that Blair had asked him to. Hannah B ran to her mom and flung herself into Charlotte’s arms. It was a happy reunion but there was obviously a lot for Hannah B and her mom to work through. April was glad they’d get the chance to.

Sterling and Blair had both joined April in the living room and the three of them watched as Hannah B and her mom talked to Bowser. “She got picked up on a DUI.” Blair’s voice was flat and her eyes looked conflicted. April assumed that she wanted a moment alone with Hannah B, but didn’t want to intrude. “Bowser was able to pull some strings, but she’ll still have to appear in court and probably go AA meetings. She didn’t want to call anyone because she felt ashamed.”

“All things considered, I don’t think this is the worst outcome.”

“No, I don’t think so either.”

“I’m sorry I called you dense… and for threatening you.”

“Apology accepted. You had every right to be angry. Besides,” a playful grin formed on her face, “I think it really turned Sterling on.”

“For the love of God, do not make jokes about that.” The implication alone was enough to illicit thoughts of Sterling in the janitor’s closet after the debate tournament and cause her ears and face to redden. Beside her, Sterling began violently choking on her water.

“I’ll give you two a moment alone.”

Once Blair was gone, Sterling turned to her with a sheepish grin. “I’m so sorry she said that. You know Blair, she can’t help but make inappropriate comments in stressful situations.”

“I remember.” April took one last look towards Hannah B before directing all her attention back to Sterling. Her eyes skimmed Sterling’s features and eventually landed on the cut at the base of her neck. She had kissed Sterling there so many times and each time it drew a positive reaction from Sterling that made her heart race. Now her heart was racing for a completely different reason. “Thank you for helping Hannah B.” Placing her modesty aside, April stepped forward and leaned up to kiss Sterling.

“April, Hannah B’s mom is here.”

“I know.” She took ahold of Sterling’s hand. “It’s okay.” And when Charlotte and Hannah B finally made their way over to them, April did not let go of Sterling’s hand. She had no idea if Charlotte knew she was gay, but she was well enough convinced that it wouldn’t matter to her.

“April,” Charlotte looked to their conjoined hands. April’s heart thrummed violently in her chest. She squeezed Sterling’s hand tighter so she wouldn’t talk herself into letting go. “Thank you for being here for Hannah. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’ve got her and she’s got me.”

“And Sterling, I’m sorry about that incident at the book club meeting. It wasn’t my place my place to tell your mom about you and Luke. I hope you can forgive me.”

“It’s all in the past Mrs.–”

“Charlotte, call me Charlotte.”

“Charlotte. Right. Well, it all turned out for the better.”

“I can see that.” Blood rushed to April’s ears. If her heart beat any faster, she would probably faint. “April, you can relax dear. You look like I ran over Sergeant Bilko.”

“Sorry... just… nervous.” April berated herself. She couldn’t even form a complete sentence.

“You’ll have to come over for dinner sometime. Sterling, you’re welcome to come too. And Blair if she wants.”

“That would be very lovely. Thank you, Charlotte.” _Does the Wesley charm work on_ everyone? “I’ll wait outside for you.” April thinks that’s what Sterling had said before manually prying each one of April’s fingers from her hand.

“April, seriously honey, it’s okay.”

“You knew?”

“Well, I thought it was kind of obvious. You hang out with Ezekiel and Hannah and no one tries _that_ hard to act straight.”

“What do you mean?”

“Honey, you once said Anakin Skywalker was hot with a grimace on your face and then you practically drooled when Padmé came on the screen.”

April remembered that day. It was many years ago and though she had struggled to put words to her feelings, she understood she would never feel about boys the way she felt about girls. “And you still let me sleep over?”

“At any point in time since you’ve been friends with Hannah, have you wanted to be more than friends with her?”

“Well, no, but –”

“But nothing. You were there for my baby girl after her daddy died and you were a friend to her when no one else would be. If I felt I had anything to worry about, my open door policy would have changed.”

“But how could you know?”

“A mother knows.”

“My mother doesn’t know.”

“Then we better keep it that way.”

Relief. April felt relieved. Relieved that Charlotte was okay, relieved that Hannah B wouldn’t have to go through losing another parent, and relieved to take another step out of the closet. She still had a long way to go, but she felt like she held the world in the palm of her hand.


	24. Piece of Your Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm sorry that this has taken much longer to post than I initially intended. Life has been throwing a lot of punches lately. 
> 
> This chapter isn't entirely what I was expecting, but I hope that you'll enjoy it nonetheless. It feels messy to me (and maybe this is just my perfectionism talking) but then I thought that this chapter is really about emotions and emotions are messy bitches and can change in the blink of an eye. So, if that's how this chapter reads then I suppose it is realistic and that hopefully means I've done my job.

The week following Charlotte’s disappearance had been rough for everyone involved. Rumors had begun to spread about her DUI and Hannah B became more withdrawn with each new piece of gossip that echoed through the grapevine. April reverted back to her old self, reclaiming the title of head-bitch-in-charge and yelling at people who even dared to look at Hannah B wrong. She instilled the fear of God into every student, staff and faculty member and rightfully so in her opinion. Even Ellen seemed a bit apprehensive to approach her in Fellowship on Monday morning. And she unintentionally snapped at Blair a few times for her wildly inappropriate comments regarding Sterling’s ‘sexual proclivity’ for assertive women. April promised Sterling she would go easy on Blair – she wholeheartedly intended to do so out of her love for Sterling – but Blair teased her purposefully with the intention to rile her up and it worked every time. So, Blair had to suffer the consequences of her decisions.

She and Sterling also began to slowly work through everything that happened at April’s house on _that_ night, as April had referred to it and they stayed after school to do so. Sterling had wanted to go to her house to talk, but April definitively wanted to stay on neutral territory. Though it seemed as if Sterling wanted to debate the matter, she ultimately gave in to April’s wishes, probably because she was finally heeding Ezekiel’s multiple warnings about April being in a biting mood. And in all fairness, she hadn’t really meant to be snippy with Sterling and her friends – with the exception of Hannah B, of course – but it was hard to shut the anger off after it had already been turned on. That thought alone sent April into a bit of a downward spiral as she spent most evenings convincing herself that she was _not_ like her father.

So, on Monday afternoon April met Sterling in the janitor’s closet that had ironically become their place of asylum from the outside world. April never imagined in a million years that she would spend so much of her free time in a physical closet, but it was one place she and Sterling could be alone together, so she didn’t complain. She looked to Sterling from the other side of the small room, and though she had a million things on her mind that she wanted to say to Sterling, she had no idea where to even begin. April also missed just having Sterling physically close to her, so she decided to start by closing the space between them so she could kiss Sterling. Their lips met, but the kiss lacked their usual passion and hunger. Instead it was born out of a deeply aching need for comfort and intimacy, a sense of normalcy after the exhausting, train-wreck of a weekend that they had. When she pulled away, April rested her head against Sterling’s chest and listened to the soft and rhythmic beating of her heart. That day, they talked about everything and anything but _that_ night as they sat side by side and held hands. April talked to Sterling about how her and Hannah B and Ezekiel became friends. In turn, Sterling recounted to April the book club meeting gone wrong and how supportive her mom had been after finding out about Sterling and Luke having sex. April was happy that Debbie had handled the situation well, but she doubted Debbie would be as understanding about the things April and Sterling did together.

By Tuesday, they still hadn’t talked about _that_ night and in lieu of talking had instead opted to make up for their missed time together over the weekend. Their compromise, ‘ravage now, talk later’ as Sterling had suggested with an arch smile, was quite agreeable to April. She felt like she was spinning out of control and Sterling offered her the prospect of getting some of that control back. And in the process, she learned a lot about Sterling’s ‘sexual proclivity’ for assertive women. Like the night of their date to the Fun Zone, Sterling didn’t mind April’s intensity and had in fact encouraged it, if not more so than before. April discovered that Sterling enjoyed endless teasing and being roughly pushed against the wall, both of which thoroughly turned her on. She gasped and moaned when April scraped her fingernails against the bare skin of her thighs as her hands traveled up her legs and under her skirt, but not nearly far enough for Sterling. She begged when April’s lips lingered in one spot for too long instead of moving to explore other places. The muscles in her abdomen trembled when April ghosted her fingers across her stomach. She learned how to make Sterling’s patellas quiver, literally, so that Sterling had to cling to her to stay upright. But April also discovered that her own desires were becoming much more difficult to control and if they had the privacy of a bedroom in an empty house, April doesn’t think she’d have been able to resist temptation.

It wasn’t until Wednesday that Sterling had finally told April about what happened the night of the stake out. Most of it she can’t remember. She zoned out after Sterling explained in detail how their skip got the jump on her and held a knife to her throat. Her words played on a repeating loop in April’s mind. Nothing quite felt real to April after that. Sterling, the closet, and the very floor upon which they had sat seemed to drift away from her in one fell swoop. She felt the color drain from her face. A chill racked her body though the room was not cold. April felt as if she had plunged into an icy river, breathless as it carried her further and further away from Sterling. She had no idea how long they stayed there for, silent and unmoving, but eventually Sterling had to physically lift her off the floor and help her to the Volt because she could barely stand on her own two feet. 

The first thing April remembers after that is the feeling of her bed beneath her body and the vibrant colors of a Georgian sunset cast against her bedroom walls. The soft pinks reminded her of Sterling’s lips, the yellows and golds the same shade of Sterling’s hair that April had tangled her fingers in just the day before, and the blues and purples were reminiscent of the color of Sterling’s eyes and the bruises that April had daringly left at the base of Sterling’s neck and shoulder. It was risky, but April hadn’t been able to resist when Sterling’s hands were holding her in place and her lips brushed against her ear whenever Sterling begged her for more. Besides, no one would notice _if_ Sterling was careful and if she wasn’t… well April didn’t care at the time. She was too busy consuming and being consumed by Sterling. Now, a mere twenty-four hours later, she was still being consumed by Sterling. And despite her fear and anger, despite the numbness and the exhaustion she felt, despite every other messy emotion wreaking havoc in her usually well-ordered brain, April still wished to have the familiar weight of Sterling next to her, to experience what it would feel like to have Sterling in her bed, to fall asleep while Sterling’s scent lingered on her blankets even after she had gone. In all of the chaos that Sterling had created, she was still the only thing that made sense to April. 

Much to her mother’s chagrin, April skipped dinner and stayed in bed for the rest of the evening. Even when she brought a small plate of apple slices and peanut butter to her room and insisted April eat at least a few bites, she still couldn’t bring herself to eat. “April,” her mother fussed as she sat down on the edge of her bed and placed a tentative yet gentle hand on her shoulder, “if you’re not feeling well, then maybe you should skip school tomorrow.”

April allowed herself a moment to savor the motherly gesture. While few and far between, those rare moments still managed to bring her some semblance of comfort. “I’m not sick.”

“In that case, do you want to tell me what’s really going on?”

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can. I’m your mother and it’s my responsibility to be here for you. I know I’ve been absent and I haven’t always done my best, but I’m here now.”

If April were being honest with herself, those were the words that she had always needed to hear from her mother, but they couldn’t fill the void in her heart that had taken years to carve out. And if this conversation were about anything other than Sterling Wesley and her being gay, she wouldn’t spare a second thought to spilling her heart out to her mother. “I’m not ready.” _I’m not ready to come out and I’m not ready to lose you_. So, for the first time in many years, April cried in her mother’s arms because she couldn’t tell her what was actually wrong, even though she desperately wanted to. She longed for the type of mother-daughter relationship that Sterling and Hannah B had with their moms. April wished that for once she could be honest and talk to her mom about her girlfriend, and that she would be there with love and support for the good stuff, the bad stuff, the messy stuff, and the stuff in between. But that life didn’t belong to her.

On Thursday, April expelled a lot of energy into the pretense that she was actually paying attention in her classes, which was difficult given the faceless voice in the back of her mind that kept reminding her of how close she came to losing Sterling, _again_. She hadn’t fared so well the first time it happened, which paled in comparison to how she had handled it this time around. But the situation reminded her that, even in the absence of bounty hunting, life was short and nothing was worth sacrificing the time she and Sterling had now for a tomorrow that might never come. So, she spent an extra thirty seconds kissing Sterling senseless in the janitor’s closet even though it made her late to class, she sat just a tad bit closer to Sterling at lunch and in Bible Studies even though someone could have noticed, and she let her eyes linger on Sterling just a few seconds longer when they passed each other in the hallways. April wanted, and needed, to take advantage of the smallest opportunities to show her for love Sterling and she wanted to do so with more conviction than she had the previous day and every day before that.

April stood anxiously outside of the Wesley’s front door on Friday night as she waited for Sterling to come to the door. There were so many things that she was finally ready to say to Sterling, who had been so patient with her over the past week, more patient than she really felt she had the right to ask for. She had even rehearsed everything she wanted to say the previous night with the help of Hannah B because though she wanted it all to be perfect, Hannah B had a way of reminding April that speaking from the heart was what mattered most and speaking from the heart was something that Hannah B excelled at. Still, April was caught up in the pressure of her own expectations and the fact that she hadn’t noticed when Sterling opened the door for her seemed like a bad sign.

As April followed Sterling inside, eyes scanning for any signs of the other Wesley’s, she tried her best to push the negative thoughts away and focus on the importance of what she was about to do. “Are we… alone?”

“Blair is spending the night at Hannah B’s house and my parents are on their way to visit my grandparents so my dad can get his job back. It turns out he really does miss being a part of the family business.”

“Right.”

“Hey, are you okay? You seem a little nervous.”

“Yeah,” April took a steadying breath before continuing, “there’s just a lot that I need to say to you and you know how I get with words around you sometimes and now I’m wishing I would have just brought note cards so I don’t forget anything.”

Sterling laughed wholeheartedly and though it was at April’s expense, it helped to calm her nerves anyway. “You would say something like that. How about we go up to my room?”

“I’d like that.” Then she took Sterling’s outstretched hand in her own and allowed Sterling to lead her upstairs. Each step that brought them closer to their destination caused her heart rate to speed up and she was nearly breathless by the time they found themselves in Sterling’s room. Sterling sat on the edge of her bed but didn’t speak while April prepared herself to deliver her speech. “Okay, I’m way more nervous than I thought I’d be, so I’ll just start with the easiest thing on my list.” She started to pace around Sterling’s room but remembered Hannah B telling her to speak from the heart, so she sat down next to Sterling on her bed and forced herself to look into the other girl’s eyes. “I… I really appreciate that you’ve been so patient and that you’ve given me the time to work through all of this in the way that I needed to. I know it hasn’t been easy for you.”

“You did the same for me after what happened with Dana. It’s the least I could do for you.”

“Still, I can’t really put into words how much it meant to me.”

“What’s next on your list?”

“Do you remember in the Bible when David invited Mephibosheth to eat at his table because he wanted to show kindness to one of Jonathan’s descendants?” Sterling nodded her head. “I don’t want that to be me and Blair if something were to ever happen to you. And I don’t want you to stop bounty hunting because I know you love it, but I will always be worried for your safety because I can’t imagine what I would do without you.”

“April, I’m sorry that I put you through that. I can only imagine how you must have felt. And in the future, I can send you hourly updates, so you don’t worry as much.”

“I think that would be a good place to start.” With one hand firmly wrapped around Sterling’s, April used the other to retrieve her phone from her back pocket. When Sterling gave her a confused look, she explained, “I wanted to say that I’m sorry for the way I handled this whole situation by doing something special for you, so Hannah B helped me out with a surprise for you yesterday. I hope that you like it.” She shuffled through the music on her phone to find the audio recording that Hannah B had helped her make. She pressed play and watched as Sterling’s features transformed from confusion to awe as the beginning of their song began to play.

“April!” Sterling cried. “I don’t know what to say!”

Tears falling from Sterling’s eyes was not what she expected though in retrospect she probably should have guessed that this particular surprise would make her girlfriend emotional. April pulled her into an embrace and kissed her on the forehead. “Don’t say anything. Let’s just sit here and listen together.”

When the song was over, Sterling sat up, wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered, “I can’t believe that you did that for me.”

“Sterl, I did it because I love you.” _And now for the difficult part_ , April thought. “For as long as I have known you, a piece of me has always loved a piece of you. I’ve fallen in love with you so many times over the past couple of months and I’ve come to the conclusion that falling in love with you is not something that I can ever finish. I want to be by your side in all that you do, and I want to experience this life with you for however long we have together. Your pain will be my pain and your happiness will be my happiness. I truly believe that you are a part of my master plan and I want to love all of you, not just the pieces. So, what I’m trying to say is that I want to keep finding new ways to fall in love with you.”

The words that came out of her mouth are definitely not the ones she rehearsed with Hannah B, but she spoke from her heart like she promised she would, so it really shouldn’t surprise her when Sterling cries for a second time and says, “That is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.” And when Sterling kisses her in response, April no longer has to resist temptation.


	25. Come Often

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is of the mature variety. Read at your own discretion.

April awoke the following morning wrapped up in the arms of one naked Sterling Wesley and she smiled elatedly to herself as she recalled everything that had happened between them the night before. Their first time together was better than anything she could have imagined even if it had taken them some time to initially explore the new territory they were delving into. April wanted to make Sterling feel as safe and as loved as she possibly could, and she knew Sterling wanted to do the same for her, which is why she wouldn’t have wanted to take that step with anyone other than Sterling.

And with Sterling in her life, April more frequently found herself thinking about the future in terms of ‘when’ rather than in terms of ‘if’. _When_ they had their own home, they could fall asleep together and wake up next to each other every morning. _When_ they had their own home, they could spend many more nights ravaging each other and Sterling’s more experienced hands and mouth could roam her body and make her feel all the things she felt last night, things she never thought she’d experience in high school. _When_ they had their own home, April could take as much time as she wanted, whenever she wanted, to admire and to worship Sterling’s naked form the way it deserved to be instead of waiting for an empty house. _When_ they had their own home, she could lay naked in bed with Sterling all day instead of worrying about how many hours they had left to savor the feeling of bare skin on bare skin. They would have all that are more someday and it wouldn’t involve janitor’s closets and lying and sneaking around. The world would know that April Stevens was wholeheartedly in love with Sterling Wesley.

While April was busy daydreaming about the future she could have Sterling and admiring the sleepy smile on Sterling’s face, the other girl roused from her sleep and greeted April with electric blue eyes that seemed to sparkle like sunlight cast against rolling ocean waves. This was by far April’s favorite mental image of Sterling and she wished to stay in that moment for as long as possible. Sterling seemed to understand as she stared just as intently back at April. She busied herself by stroking her fingers through April’s hair and down to her neck for a few minutes before she finally spoke. “I can’t wait to wake up next to you every day.”

“One day we will.” She spoke the words genuinely, but April didn’t dare to say more, too distracted by the movement of Sterling’s fingers against her skin.

“I knew that you could make me feel good, but I didn’t know that you could make me feel _that_ good.”

“Was I… too much?”

“No, April, you were perfect. Last night was perfect. The song and your speech and the four orgasms you gave me. The things you did with your tongue were heavenly. Where did you learn to do that anyway?”

April felt a surge of pride at her ability to make Sterling feel _that_ good, despite her obvious inexperience, but she still felt her face flush deeply with embarrassment at the mention of it. She wondered if it was normal to feel so incredibly self-conscious when talking about sex. She knew Blair was some sort of sex fiend but wasn’t certain if that had rubbed off on Sterling. “I was just experimenting Sterl.”

“Well… we should experiment some more.” Sterling tilted April’s head to the side and began to leave a trail of kisses up and down her neck as her other hand moved to explore the expanse of April’s torso and bare legs. Sterling purred, satisfied, when April pressed her body hard against hers as she tried to get as close to Sterling as she possibly could, and a soft moan escaped her lips. “There’s something I’d like to try.”

“Oh yeah?”

Sterling nodded her head as she continued to kiss along April’s jaw and up to her ear to whisper, “You’ll have to get on top of me.”

“Okay.” April chuckled and repositioned herself to straddle Sterling’s hips, confused as to what exactly she had in mind.

“You’ll have to move up more.”

“What?”

Beneath her, Sterling’s flushed face mimicked her own and April realized that she wasn’t the only one to feel a bit self-conscious when it came to putting their desires into words. “I want… to ravage you, but like…”

April still didn’t understand what Sterling was hinting at and stared back at her confused as Sterling placed her hands on the back of her thighs and gently tugged her upwards. “Oh.” And it finally dawned on April what exactly it was that Sterling wanted. “Oh!”

“But only if you’re comfortable with that.”

“I am!” April wanted to assure Sterling that she was more than comfortable but scolded herself for sounding too enthusiastic. “I mean, I’m open to experimenting… with that. And with other things! It’s just… Do you find it a tad awkward to talk about this stuff? Like I’m beginning to realize that having sex and talking about it are two totally different things.”

“A little, yeah. It’s just something we have to work through together like everything else. But maybe after we have more mind-blowing sex.”

“Well, when you put it like that.”

April and Sterling spent a lot of time experimenting over the following weeks and they were as in love as they had ever been. Blair and Ezekiel were so sick of them that they sometimes actively avoided spending time with April and Sterling altogether. Hannah B was her usual chipper and happy self and was seemingly unaware of what was going on around her. Even Ellen noticed a shift in their relationship though she couldn’t put her finger on the root cause but was happy for them regardless.

They slipped into the janitor’s closet whenever the opportunity presented itself and hooked up in the backseat of their cars whenever the opportunity didn’t. Sterling prided herself on the way she had learned to unravel April as quickly as possible so they could still make it to their classes on time. April prided herself on secretly discovering that Sterling was always a little hungrier for her when she wore skirts, a button up shirt and a blazer, which she took to wearing more often and to her own advantage before Sterling eventually caught on. But once Sterling got over the shock, she conceded that skirts did offer better access. For her part, April probably spent more time ravaging Sterling and coaxing orgasms out of her than she did studying. And her grades didn’t slip at all which was also probably the best evidence that she _could_ spend more time with Sterling and less time studying.

April really just couldn’t get enough of Sterling, so much so that she planned to skip lunch one day and texted Sterling a vulgar request to meet her in the janitor’s closet. When she arrived, April pulled her in by the collar of her shirt to kiss her and began hiking her own skirt up. Sterling teased her by kissing her neck slowly and running her hands up and down her front, but April wasn’t in the mood to wait so she grabbed Sterling’s hand and moved it to where she needed her the most.

“Someone is impatient today.”

“We don’t have a lot of time and I’ve been horny since I woke up. I most certainly am not patient.” She grabbed a handful of Sterling’s orange Willingham polo and hurriedly untucked it to find the warm, smooth skin waiting for her underneath it, hoping to speed things along. And when Sterling still took too long to give her what she wanted, April took Sterling’s face in her hands and said, “Sterling, I need you to touch me. Right now.”

Sterling relented and when she did April could not hold back the moan that escaped her lips and Sterling was struggling to do the same as well. “Fuck, April. You’re…”

“Do you see how badly I need you? How turned on I am already?”

“Fuck.”

April rolled her hips against Sterling’s fingers for good measure. “Ravage me.” It was not a question, but a command and one that Sterling happily obliged.


	26. White Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

April can still recall how upset she was when Adele Meisner told her that she and her family were moving to Arizona in the second grade because her dad had gotten a new job. Adele was her best friend and the only person who seemed to understand April. And sure, she got along well enough with the other girls in their class, but Adele was by far her favorite person to spend time with. April didn’t think she could live without her and her goofy smile and her big brown eyes. She didn’t want the fluttery feeling in her stomach to fade away and when she thought about how she might never see her best friend again, her chest hurt in a way that it never had before. April convinced herself that it was all a sign from God, His way of telling her that Adele was special and that her parents couldn’t just take her away. At least that was her reasoning for why she decided to tell Adele that she’d run away from home and track her down after she moved. She never meant to make Adele feel threatened. April just wanted Adele to understand how much she loved being her best friend. She ugly cried even more after her mom had gotten off the phone with Adele’s mom and told her she wouldn’t be able to see Adele anymore. And she cried every night after that for a month because she didn’t get to say goodbye to her best friend.

April felt a similar ache in her chest after Luke nudged his way into Sterling’s life in the fifth grade. She didn’t want to upset Sterling – like she had upset Adele a few years prior – by not approving of Luke. So, April had perfected her fake smile, wide enough to mask the pain, genuine enough to be convincing, and polite enough to use on adults. And a good thing she did, she thought, because right before her eyes and without any objection from Sterling, Luke was starting to occupy the space that had once belonged to her. He began sitting next to Sterling at lunch and would sometimes hold her hand. He followed her around at recess and sat next to her on the swings even though he was slightly too big. And when they watched documentaries during their science classes, Luke would be sitting next to Sterling before April even had a chance to move her chair.

April often felt that she couldn’t control the jealousy that would creep up on her in those moments. She needed Sterling the same way that she needed Adele and she thought Sterling felt the same. She thought that was why Sterling walked to class with her in the morning, arms linked together, and why she let April hold her hand when they took walks around the playground and whenever they hung out. She didn’t want Sterling to do those things with anyone but her. What she did want was for Sterling to look at her with the same lovesick expression that she used on Luke. She wanted to sit next to Sterling at lunch again, instead of across from her, because sometimes their arms brushed against each other and April liked the way it made her feel. She wanted to be the first person to tell Sterling that she looked beautiful in her new church dress, but Luke would always run over to greet her before she had the chance to do so and unlike Luke, April wasn’t allowed to act so childish at church, or in any public spaces really. She was losing her best friend to Luke Creswell, a boy who ate chapstick, and April couldn’t understand why Sterling would choose him over her. She decided to talk to Sterling about it at recess, to get her best friend back, but a few days later Sterling gave her away and the pain in her chest only hurt more.

The same night that April told her parents she was no longer friends with Sterling Wesley, she sat at the top of the stairs with Sargent Bilko curled up in her lap and listened to her parents arguing in the kitchen. They had excused April from the table after dinner and sent her to her room even though she hadn’t helped her mom with the dishes like she usually did. She would regret the day she was born if they caught her listening in on them, but it was a risk April was willing to take seeing as they were arguing about her. At least if she knew why, she could try to fix it.

“Rebecca, all I’m saying is that April has unhealthy relationships with girls. This business with Sterling Wesley feels like another Adele situation.”

“She’s ten years old John. She was seven when that stuff with Adele happened. You shouldn’t worry so much.”

“You say that now, but mark my words, this is going to be turn into a problem if it isn’t one already.”

April wasn’t certain what ‘problem’ he was referring to, but something about her father’s tone set off alarms. And John Stevens kept setting off alarms every day since.

In spite of her fear, April couldn’t stop the butterflies from erupting in her stomach when she first met Chelsea Richards in the eighth grade. It didn’t compare to the way she had felt about Sterling, but it was a nice distraction from the twin who broke her heart. She also didn’t feel as alone as she had felt before because she knew God wouldn’t smite her for being a lesbian and Chelsea was the first girl that April liked to sort of reciprocate her feelings. April never kissed Chelsea, but they came close, their lips sometimes only inches away. It was sheer terror that kept them from going further, always afraid that someone might catch them. Their fears came to fruition on the day that April had come just a little bit closer to kissing Chelsea Richards when her father angrily burst through her bedroom door without knocking after he realized that April was alone in her room with another ‘close friend’. They were laying on her bed together and when they heard the bedroom door open, April and Chelsea scrambled away from each other, terrified of what would happen next. There was no doubt he knew what they had been doing but his denial was strong. A few weeks later, Chelsea moved away, and April never heard from her again. April felt like she was walking on eggshells around her parents ever since that day and swore to herself that she would immediately shut down any feelings she developed for any girls the minute they developed. And always, _always_ , lock the door. By her freshman year, she loaded up on extracurriculars and joined the Straight-Straight Alliance to convince her father that he need not worry about anymore ‘Adele situations’.

It wasn’t until her father went to jail, and eventually left home for a bit to stay with her Uncle Bill, that the alarms finally stopped ringing. Living her life with Sterling had been something of a dream and April wasn’t ready for that dream to turn back into a nightmare. But John Stevens’ departure had always been temporary, and his imminent return had put a damper on her and Sterling’s spirits and brought with him a reminder that they would have to be more careful. Though April and her mom were doing really well without him and they seemed to be reconnecting and rebuilding their relationship, April could also tell that she missed her husband more and more with each passing day and that it had gotten worse since she went to visit him. According to her mom, he was doing much better and had worked on his anger, but April was still hesitant to believe it without seeing it for her own eyes. Of course, she wanted nothing more than for her father to return a changed man and to have the family she'd always dreamed of, but she didn't want to get her hopes up. And getting his anger under control didn't mean he'd accept her and Sterling as a couple.

April spent the hours before her father’s return pacing nervously around her room. She texted Sterling in a nervous fit a few times and received some cute selfies in return along with words of encouragement. She prayed, looked at the clock and watched the seconds pass, and prayed again. She even tried reading from her Bible but couldn’t concentrate. Her mother was just as nervous, if not more so, and was busying herself with cleaning the living room again.

“Mom,” April said as she took the can of furniture polish away from her mother, “you’ve cleaned the living room twice today.”

“I just want it to be perfect for when your father gets home.”

“It already is.” April held her arms out and spun in a circle. “Look, it’s basically spotless and the Christmas decorations look amazing.” She moved to where Sergeant Bilko was sleeping on the back of the couch and leaned over to give him a kiss on the head. “And I think you even managed to spray my cat with this.”

“ _Our_ cat.” Her mother corrected.

“Yeah, but he loves me the most.” They sat down next to each other on the couch and April rested her head on her mom’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay mom.” She wasn’t actually convinced that would be the case, but her mother was easily comforted by such words.

As if on cue, she felt her mother relax. “Did you get your father something for Christmas? If you wait any longer the stores are going to be packed.”

April rolled her eyes. She always got her gifts early to avoid the hassle of shopping too close to the holidays, but she figured some small talk to pass the time wouldn’t hurt. “I got him a Star Wars chess set. The board is made of marble, and it comes with carved figurines for the different pieces.”

“That sounds a bit expensive.”

“It was, but worth every penny. He’s going to love it.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“What did you get him?”

“I got him a smart watch, a bottle of cologne, and some new golf clubs.”

“Now that sounds expensive.”

“It was, but I put both of our names on them.”

“Don’t tell Sergeant Bilko, but Santa is bringing him some new toys and treats.”

“I hope you hid the treats so he doesn’t claw his way into them like he did last year.”

“Lesson learned. They’re on the top shelf in my closet.”

“Good.” A knock sounded behind them and they both jumped. It was still too early to be her father and they hadn’t been expecting anyone else. “You’re not expecting anyone, are you?” April shook her head in response and her mother went to get the door. She checked her phone to find that Sterling had sent another selfie but was pulled from her thoughts when she heard a scream erupt from behind her. “John! You’re home early!” April turned to see her mother laughing as her father spun her around in a circle. She felt like she had been thrown into an alternate reality. She had never seen her parents this affectionate towards one another or seen them look so happy.

“I left early so I could surprise you. And because I couldn’t wait any longer to come home to my family.” He looked around the living room until his eyes landed on April. “There’s my beautiful daughter.” Shocked, April rose from the couch and met him halfway for a hug. “I missed you so much Padawan.” And when he pulled away and April looked into his eyes, she saw a glimpse of the man her father used to be.

“Oh John, I’m so happy you’re home, but I’ve gotta get started on dinner.”

“That’s alright, I’ll help you get everything ready. Just give me a minute to take my bags upstairs. I can unpack later.”

April’s father had been home for a few days and the shock still hadn’t worn off. Every night they prepared dinner together as a family and cleaned up afterwards. Sometimes they spent the evenings watching TV and talking and sometimes they pulled out an old board game to play, like _Scrabble_ or _Monopoly_. Though April’s vocabulary was impeccable and she was good with money, her parents were formidable opponents and she had yet to beat her mother in _Scrabble_ and her father in _Monopoly_. It definitely helped to fuel April’s competitive side when she was younger, but this time she didn’t care that she came in second place or even last. Her family finally felt like a family and that was all she really wanted.

What surprised April the most was when her father came into her room the night before Christmas Eve to tell her that he didn’t want her to spy on the Wesley’s anymore. He sat on the edge of her bed as he spoke, and for what it was worth he looked ashamed. “I was wrong to ask you to do that. You’re in high school and you should focus on your classes and having fun, but not too much fun.”

April could tell he was teasing to try and lighten the mood. It worked, but the tension between them was still palpable. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but what changed?”

“There’s a line in the Bible that says, ‘Must the sword devour forever?’ My anger and my desire for revenge led me astray. Those things don’t fulfill my life, they take away from it. What I did was wrong, and I shouldn’t have placed the blame on them. Uncle Bill helped me to see that. I promise you that things are going to be different now.”

April mulled his words over in her mind. Things had definitely been different since he came home and in the best way possible. She wasn’t terrified of her father anymore, like she had been before the lock-in, but she was still guarded. It remained to be seen if his homophobic views had also changed. “Dad?”

“What is it Padawan?”

April’s heart pounded in her chest as she contemplated the pros and cons of what she was about to do. “It’s just that… Sterling and I are friends again. We reconnected and I don’t want to stop being her friend.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Really?”

“Your mother told me you and Sterling were getting along well. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

“I’m glad you’re home.”

“So am I.”

The following evening April and her parents went to church together for the Christmas service and when they walked through the front doors as Team Stevens, April didn’t feel ashamed to be seen with her father. Soon enough, other people would see how John Stevens had changed, and they wouldn’t be the black sheep of their community anymore. The Wesley’s were already seated when they arrived, and April smiled as she passed by Sterling simply because that was something she could do now. With her father home, they didn’t have as much time to talk over the past few days, but they would have plenty of time to catch up on their date in a couple of days. They took their seats and a few minutes later the services began.

It wasn’t often that April found herself unable to focus on Pastor Booth’s sermons, but when she did Sterling Wesley was usually the root cause of her distraction. She could see Sterling sitting at the end of the Wesley pew out of the corner of her eye and April just didn’t want to look away, so she turned slightly in her seat to get a better view of Sterling while also maintaining the pretense that she was listening. Sterling’s hair was pulled back in a single, intricate French braid with snowflake shaped barrettes in her hair. She wore a blue dress that April had never seen before and a pair of silver heels. Sterling Wesley looked absolutely breathtaking and could probably command angels to part the Heavens and sing down on them from the sky.

At the end of the service, they all stood and sang _Mary Did You Know_ and _Silent Night_ along with the church choir. Afterwards, everyone hung around to chat and give their well wishes and Ellen and Pastor Booth’s wife helped serve the congregation hot chocolate, apple cider, and cookies. These were the moments when April loved her church the most and this year it felt even more special because her family was back together and stronger than ever and Sterling was smiling at her from across the foyer.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see her father smiling down at her. “You should go wish the Wesley’s a merry Christmas. It would be rude if you didn’t.”

April didn’t need to be told twice and immediately made her way towards Sterling, who was standing far enough away from her parents and Blair for them to have a semi-private conversation. “Hi Sterl.”

“April! How are you on this fine evening?”

“I’m well. I just came to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. My parents send their best, especially my father.”

“In that case, would you like to step outside for a bit. It’s getting a little warm in here.”

“I’d like that very much.” April followed Sterling outside and around the side of the church and when she was certain that no one could see them she leaned into Sterling and kissed her. “Have I told you that you look absolutely stunning?”

“No, you haven’t.”

She kissed Sterling again, much harder than before, and whispered in her ear, “You look absolutely stunning… beautiful… breathtaking.” She muttered the words between kisses and looked into Sterling’s eyes. “I can’t believe you’re my girlfriend.”

“And I can’t believe you’re mine.” Sterling leaned in to kiss her again and when she did April felt something cold and flaky in her hair. They both looked up towards the nighttime sky to see snow falling in Georgia for the first time in six years. They were in fifth grade the last time it snowed at Christmas and Sterling’s eyes were filled with as much wonderment as they had been back then. “Merry Christmas April.”

“Merry Christmas Sterling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If we were on a Stepril rollercoaster, we're at the tippy top... Only one way to go from here.


	27. Bad Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> This update is really late because things have been shit so I apologize. 
> 
> I actually wrote this chapter shortly after I started writing this fic, so I've been sitting on it for months and it's been quite a journey to get here. I've also had to rewrite this chapter so many times because of all the unexpected twists and turns that I've written into the story, which is partly why its taken so long to get here. For clarity, this chapter takes place about 1.5 months after the last chapter. 
> 
> CW: homophobia, John Stevens

Dating while in the closet certainly wasn’t easy but April and Sterling had been able to come up with creative ways to be together without risking the chance of running into someone from their community and getting outed. Granted, it often entailed very meticulous planning, mostly on April’s part, an upsettingly large consumption of gas – much to the blight of the Earth, as Blair routinely complained about to them – and some very close calls with April making her curfew. But April deemed they were sacrifices worth making, even the couple of stern reprimands she received from her father, if it meant she could spend more time going out with Sterling and less time cooped up behind a locked door.

They frequented their favorite movie theater, taking advantage of the sparse audiences and the cover of darkness. They explored the restaurants and the cafes located in downtown Atlanta, where no one knew them as April Stevens and Sterling Wesley, standup members of their devout Christian community, but rather just two young teenage girls in love and holding each other’s hand. She and Sterling even braved the cooler temperatures and went on several hikes, which proved to be good exercise and time well spent together until Sterling had them walking in circles in search of the trail that they strayed from because she wanted to find a more secluded spot to stargaze. And oftentimes they had sleepovers at Sterling’s house, but with her parents sleeping just down the hallway they had to be careful to not make too much noise. They worked on mastering the art of silent sex, but April still found that holding back her breathy moans proved to be remarkably difficult when Sterling’s hands or mouth had her on the edge of an orgasm. Sterling sported several bite marks as a result.

Another obstacle in their relationship had been figuring out how to celebrate holidays and other special occasions together, particularly Valentine’s Day. April wanted to play it safe and celebrate early so that her father wouldn’t become suspicious. Though he let April spend her free time however she wanted and was okay with her being ‘friends’ with Sterling, she still wasn’t ready for the possibility of him finding out that she and Sterling were more than that. But Sterling was a romantic, something April admired about her, and felt their first Valentine’s Day together wouldn’t be the same if they celebrated early. So, like most things, they debated the matter and April won. Sterling conceded, admitting it would be special as long as they were together, with a promise from April that she would make it up to her, and then some, as soon as she was out from under her parents’ roof.

After an evening spent enjoying a romantic dinner and chocolate fondue for dessert, April pressed herself against Sterling’s body as she straddled her in the backseat of her Land Rover. For once, they weren’t cramped in the back of the Volt, and April fully intended on making the most of the spaciousness her car afforded them. She wanted to ravage Sterling and she wanted to hear the sounds Sterling would make as she did so. The urgency with which Sterling’s fingers tugged at the hem of April’s shirt suggested that she wanted the same thing. Her breathing was heavy and even in the dark, April could see the flush creeping up into Sterling’s neck and face. But as soon as she had discarded Sterling’s shirt on the floor and moved in to kiss her on the neck, Sterling’s hands were pushing her away.

“Sterl? Is everything okay?”

“What time is it?”

April craned her neck to check the time on the console. “Uh… about ten-fifteen.”

“I hate to be the responsible one in our relationship, but if we do this, you’re going to miss your curfew again and you still have to take me home.”

“I was only late by one-minute last time.”

“And you barely got away with it. The only reason you did is because your dad has been surprisingly chill. I’m beginning to think the real John Stevens was abducted by aliens.”

April’s fingers played with the chain of Sterling’s necklace as she pondered how late she could be and still talk her way out of it. The odds were not in her favor. She looked up at Sterling, and whispered sadly, “But love isn’t something we should have to get away with.”

“It won’t always be like this.”

“I know.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sometimes it feels like there’s not enough time.”

“If we get creative maybe we can plan something for next weekend. My parents will probably go out so we could hang out at my house.”

“I think they’re getting suspicious of us. Your mom checked in on us last weekend while she thought we were sleeping.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to freak out.”

“Okay, we’ll figure that out later, but Blair can help cover for us. We’ll say the three of us are having a movie night together.”

“If you think that’ll work, then it’s a date.”

They got dressed in silence and despite the insufficient amount of ravaging that took place, April felt more optimistic as she drove Sterling home. She mulled some ideas over in her head and decided she could tell her parents that Hannah B needed more help studying for an upcoming exam. They wouldn’t think twice about it. And she didn’t want to admit that Sterling was right, but if she did miss her curfew again, she could forget about spending time with Sterling, or anyone for that matter for the foreseeable future.

Once Sterling was safely inside of her house, April sped down the road just a little faster than usual in hopes of saving herself a couple of minutes. She pulled into the driveway with exactly three minutes to spare and sent a silent prayer up to the sky for making it home on time. Yet as she walked from her car to her house, she felt an overwhelming feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. Her father usually waited up for her and watched TV in the living room until April got home, but tonight, all the lights in the kitchen, the dining room and the living room were still on, which meant her mother hadn’t yet gone to bed and was waiting up for her as well.

April hoped for the best and tried to prepare herself for the worst. Still, she couldn’t silence the voice in the back of her head whispering that her world was about to come crashing down around her in a fiery explosion, destroying everything in its path. Her fears are confirmed as she takes in the sight of her father and her mother sitting rigid and stone-faced at the dining room table, her father’s face red with anger and her mother’s pale with disgust. April doesn’t know how, but she knows they know about her and Sterling.

When her father’s gaze meets her own, April freezes and she can see the rage in his eyes burning like God’s wrath at Sodom and Gomorrah. “Where were you tonight April?” He spits the words out bitterly. An icy feeling spreads through her body and her heart pounds rapidly inside of her chest with panic. She racks her brain for any excuse to get her out of the dangerous situation she’s unexpectedly found herself in, but she knows that nothing she can say will save her. April can see her reflection in the glass windows on the hutch behind her parents. A combination of fear and shock is written all over her face. She has proven herself guilty before she can form any words to defend herself. “Where were you?”

Her father’s raised voice jolts April out of her stupor and she attempts to compose herself to deliver whatever meager defense she can manage to voice. “Like I told you earlier, I was studying with Hannah B.”

“And you always dress up like that for Hannah B?”

He had a point. April would never go out of her way to dress up for a night of studying. They always dressed down. How had she overlooked this important detail? “We went out for dinner before studying.”

“Don’t lie to me April!” He fumed and April didn’t think it was possible for him to be any angrier than he already was. April’s eyes traveled to her mother, who hadn’t looked at her since she came home. She looked to be on the verge of fainting. April didn’t blame her, she felt that she might faint as well. “I saw you April!”

“Fine! I was with Sterling! On a date! And afterwards we kissed in the back of my car and I let her touch me in sinful ways! Is that what you want to hear?”

“You disgust me! We gave you everything! How could you do this to us?”

“I love Sterling! Why can’t you accept that?”

“Because it’s wrong! You can’t be this way April!”

“I have always been this way!”

“I think you should go to your room until your mother and I can figure out what to do with you. And don’t you dare come out until tomorrow morning. I can’t stand to look at you right now.” Survival instincts alone allowed April’s legs to carry her upstairs to her room. She had no desire to be in the same house as her parents but being in a different room would be good enough for now. Her father was still shouting, his anger now directed toward her mother. All of his words rang clearly through her head. “We have to do something! We have to find a way to fix her!”

“John, we can’t do anything about it tonight.” Her mother replied. “Let’s just go to bed and talk about this in the morning when we’re all a bit calmer.”

April locked the door and let the fear wash over her again. He wanted to send her away, somewhere far away from Sterling if he had a choice. He wanted a straight daughter no matter what the cost. Her happiness didn’t matter to them. This was the outcome April was most afraid of, but she had options and her survival and her future with Sterling, depended on her ability to perfectly execute a hastily formed plan. There was no room for error. Knowing her father, he would be on the phone with Pastor Booth first thing tomorrow morning to seek guidance about how to ‘fix’ her. For the time being, she would be relatively safe locked in her room, but she needed to escape before her father made that phone call. April now understood why Ethan was so calm after his mother walked in on him with his boyfriend. He always intended to play the part until he and Nick could safely run away together. But April didn’t have that much time though. She rummaged through her purse for her phone and typed out a slew of frantic text messages to Sterling.

11:15 P.M.

To: _Sterling Wesley_

My parents know about us…

My dad saw us together. At dinner.

Sterling, please answer me, I’m scared.

11:20 P.M.

To: _April Stevens_

I’m here!

It’s going to be okay.

We’ll figure something out.

I won’t let anything happen to you.

11:21 P.M.

To: _Sterling Wesley_

You need to get me out of her tonight. Can you come get me later?

11:22 P.M.

To: _April Stevens_

What time?

11:22 P.M.

To: _Sterling Wesley_

Around 1:00

11:23 P.M.

To: _April Stevens_

I can bring my dad’s truck and the ladder again.

Blair can help.

11:24 P.M.

To: _Sterling Wesley_

No. It’ll make too much noise. I’ll sneak out.

11:25 P.M.

To: _April Stevens_

We’ll be there.

We’ve got you.

April made a mental list of everything she had to do after her parents went to bed and before Sterling and Blair came to rescue her. She wanted to be angry that they had been so careless in their public relations, for believing that they were safe as long as they were outside of their community. She wanted to be angry at her parents for being hateful bigots and only thinking of themselves. She wanted to cry and scream, but her instincts told her there was no time for those sorts of emotions. She needed to make sure she was somewhere safe before she could let herself feel anything resembling anger and grief. 

The seconds ticked by too slowly for April’s comfort. She heard the creak of her parent’s bedroom door as they turned in for the night and texted Sterling to let her know that they had gone to bed. As quietly as possible she packed some bags with clothes and put all of her books and schoolwork in her backpack. She took stock of the belongings in her room and realized she didn’t need much else. Taking photographs of parents who couldn’t accept her for who she was didn’t seem like a necessity. She removed the purity ring from her finger and placed it on top a note reading ‘You don’t think I’m pure anyway.’ She ripped the picture of her father giving the ring to April off of her corkboard and placed it next to the ring and the note. When they woke in the morning to find April gone, they would undoubtedly notice the ring on her desk. Then, she waited by the window, watching for Sterling.

As soon as she saw the Volt pull alongside the curb, April shouldered her backpack and two duffle bags and began silently making her way downstairs. Each cautious step sounded too loud to her ears and took entirely too long. In the living room, Sergeant Bilko meowed at her, but thankfully not loud enough for her parents to hear upstairs. “I’ll miss you.” She whispered and kissed him on the top of his head. April would have taken him with her if it was an option. Carefully, she opened and closed the front door and once safely outside she bolted across the street to Sterling’s car. A distressed Sterling exited from the passenger side and moved to help April with her bags before pulling April into a tight hug. “We can hug it out later Sterl. Please just get me out of here.”

Though Sterling sat with April in the back of the Volt, April couldn’t relax until they finally pulled up in front of the Wesley household. Blair and Sterling were in the process of removing her bags from the trunk of the car when April realized that she didn’t know if Sterling had mentioned anything to her parents about her situation. How were they going to explain what had happened to Anderson and Debbie? What if they didn’t want her either? At some point Sterling had taken April’s hand into her own, gripping it tightly as if she were worried that April would disappear if she let her go.

No one spoke as they quietly snuck into the house via the back door and April feared that even breathing too loudly would give them away. When they reached the bottom of the stairs, the living room lights flickered on. Anderson and Debbie stood before them, both equally angry and concerned. April imagined that they were terrified to find both of their daughters had disappeared in the middle of the night. Even though it had been months since the kidnapping, Debbie still struggled with it at times. “Where the Hell have you two been?” Their eyes darted between Blair and Sterling before noticing April, and Sterling holding April’s hand.

***

John Stevens started his morning like any other day. He woke up early, went downstairs to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee, and checked to make sure Sergeant Bilko had a full bowl of water before heading back upstairs to his personal bathroom to take a shower. He usually dressed in formal business attire, but he wouldn't be going to the office today, so he dressed casually in jeans and a polo shirt. Instead, he had to figure out how to help his daughter and nothing was more important to him than that.

When he saw April with Sterling Wesley, April kissing Sterling Wesley, in that restaurant like it was the most natural thing in the world, he lost his head. God knows what they’ve been doing all these months behind his back, and just the thought of it made him sick. How could his daughter of all people commit such a sin? He was angry. There was no denying it. All those years ago, he warned Rebecca about April and she told him not to worry. So, he tried not to, but then he caught her with that other girl – Chelsea, he thinks her name was – and he knew he had been right to worry. But when April joined Willingham’s Straight-Straight Alliance, he was certain that would help her see reason. And for a while, it did help. There had been no more Adele situations, not until Sterling Wesley started coming around again. He swore those damn Wesley girls would be the death of him.

John sat at the kitchen table and nursed his coffee, the black liquid dulling his headache. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, just like Bill had showed him. At first, he didn’t believe that the practice of mindful breathing would actually help him with his anger, but now he found himself resorting to breathing techniques multiple times a day. He reminded himself that being angry wasn’t a problem, how he handled his anger was. He forgot that lesson last night and let his anger get the best of him.

He finished his coffee and paced outside the door to April’s room. John promised Rebecca that he would wait until she was up so they could talk to April together, but she had cried herself to sleep and then woke up early in the morning and cried herself back to sleep again. She would be out for at least another hour and he needed to talk to April now. He needed answers and he couldn’t wait. He needed April to know that she didn't have to be afraid, he just wanted to help her. He wouldn’t accept that it was too late to save her. John knocked lightly on the door and when no answer came, he opened the door and peeked inside. But what he found was an empty room along with April’s promise ring next to the picture of them on the day he gave it to her. Underneath the ring was note, which he picked up and read. ‘You don’t think I’m pure anyway.’ The words cut deeper than he cared to admit.

His watch buzzed on his left wrist, notifying him that his heart rate was rapidly increasing, suggesting that he take some deep breaths. He closed his eyes and counted as he breathed in and breathed out. He repeated the process over and over and over again, but all he saw was red.


	28. A World of Uncertainty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> I'm sorry its been so long since I've updated this story and for leaving you with that ending. Life has been trying and I'm behind on all life-related things. Adulting in a pandemic sucks. 
> 
> Enjoy!

In the early hours of the morning, April finally began to feel the effects of the fallout with her parents. She was exhausted, but sleep escaped her. Her stomach growled in hunger, but the thought of food made her nauseous. And a throbbing headache blurred her vision. None of her ailments were helped by the argument that ensued when Sterling tried to convince her parents to let April stay in her room, even just for one night. April couldn’t say that she blamed them. Though Debbie obviously had her suspicions about the nature of their relationship, and a great deal of sympathy for April, it did little to temper the initial anger she felt at having been lied to for months. Waking up to her daughters’ empty bedrooms and not knowing where they had disappeared to also didn’t help their case.

Anderson was more collected than his wife, but April still found it difficult to get a read on his thoughts regarding their current predicament. He had tried to play both sides of the field, mediating the argument between his wife and his daughters. He allowed Debbie to air her grievances, for which she had many, offering support where he believed her to be in the right while also interjecting whenever he felt that emotions were starting to run too high. He looked visibly distressed by the ‘Wesley women showdown’ – as April had dubbed it – yet every so often he would flash her a small and awkward smile. Though he intended it to be comforting, it only managed to make her feel guiltier for being the root cause of his family’s fighting and for putting him in a position where he was yet again the only thing holding his family together.

Blair was as much of a force to be reckoned with as Debbie. After what April could only describe as some sort of silent conversation between the two twins – something that still remained an enigma to her – Blair jumped to both her and Sterling’s defense with a tenacity she had never witnessed before. Though only a few months had passed, it seemed like forever ago since she and Blair had sat across from each other on the couch in the Fellowship room, raw emotions laid bare before one another, as they tried, albeit reluctantly at first, to find some common ground to stand on for Sterling’s sake. So much had changed between them since that time, an unspoken reconciliation mending what had always been a fragile relationship. The one thing that remained a constant was their love for Sterling, the knowledge that they would both do just about anything for her. Except, while Blair’s love and devotion to her sister was celebrated, April was shunned for hers.

Blair’s support wasn’t something April ever thought she would have needed, but having Blair as an ally, and dare she say as a friend, had made a world of difference. So, while April was not usually one to let others speak for her, she was grateful to have Blair standing up for her and Sterling because she had neither the mental nor the physical energy to explain in any sort of detail what actually happened when she got home from her date with Sterling or to defend the elaborate lie which they had created to protect themselves from her father. She also wasn’t sure how she could possibly explain to Debbie and Anderson how much of a danger her father was to them to without telling them their daughters were bounty hunters.

Then there was Sterling. Out of necessity, they spent months exploring the uncharted waters between them while hiding their discoveries from the rest of the world and in lieu of a graceful exit from the closet like they planned, they had instead fallen on their faces. And, at least in April’s opinion, it felt like it was taking everything they had to stand back up. Sterling appeared to be teetering on the edge of her own meltdown and her patellas, along with the rest of her body, were quivering though not for the usual reasons. She held on to Blair’s hand with a white-knuckled grip that April was certain would leave bruises, as if she had hoped some of Blair’s strength might flow from between their hands and into her own body. April let her eyes linger on Sterling – she didn’t know where else to focus her attention – catching the hint of disappointment that flickered in her eyes before quickly disappearing behind the onslaught of shiny tears. April apparently wasn’t the only one to notice that, despite the situation, neither Debbie nor Anderson had embraced them with love in their hearts or professed their full support for the two girls, something April could tell Sterling was longing to hear.

Those minutes felt like agonizingly slow hours until Anderson finally put his foot down and insisted that they get some rest before their emotions got the better of them.

“Can we at least have ten minutes alone?” Sterling pleaded in a tired yet hopeful voice. As exhausted as she was, April had not had a moment alone with Sterling since their date, and she was in desperate need of the comfort she knew she could find in Sterling’s arms.

Debbie fixed her with a pointed look and countered, “Five with the door open.”

“Five with the door halfway open?”

“Door fully open.”

“Mom! It’s private!”

Fearing another Wesley women showdown, Anderson stepped in. “Ten minutes, Sterling. You can talk in the living room. Then off to bed.”

When they were finally alone, April practically collapsed in Sterling’s arms. She rested her head against Sterling’s chest and let the familiar sound of her beating heart lull her into something resembling contentment. Even in the face of tragedy, Sterling’s arms feel like a home she’s never had and that’s proof enough to April that magic really does exist. Somewhere, in all the darkness, there’s a light. One day, the nightmare will end, she hopes. April squeezed her arms tight around Sterling’s waist and prayed that day would come sooner rather than later.

“I’m so sorry April.”

“Don’t apologize. If anything, I should be the one apologizing to you.”

“Why?”

“I know how much you hated lying to your parents.”

“Yeah, but there were some perks to being in the closet.”

“Like what?”

“Like all the sleepovers.”

“Oh, those were the days.”

They both let out a quiet laugh, but in the dark and empty living room the sound felt harsh when it reached April’s ears. Sterling’s shirt grew damp beneath her cheeks, and it wasn’t until the once soft material chafed against her skin that she realized she was crying. Sterling took her face in her hands and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Hey, we’ll figure everything out. I promise.”

“What if we don’t?”

“You know as well as I do that that’s not an option.”

“I had a plan.”

“We’ll figure out a new plan.”

“Are you gonna convince my parents to accept us? Honestly, I don’t know what my dad hates more – me being gay or the fact that I’m dating you.”

“I thought he had moved past the bit where I was partially responsible for his arrest.”

“He did, that is until he saw us kissing and until had a good reason to believe that we’re sleeping together.”

“So, it’s that bad, huh?”

“It’s that bad.” April heaved a sigh and sat down on the couch and Chloe leapt up from the place she laid curled up on the floor to put her head in April’s lap. Though April wasn’t much of a dog person, she couldn’t resist the big brown eyes that stared back at her and busied herself with scratching Chloe behind the ears.

“That’s her way of trying to comfort you.”

“She might have a future in the emotional support dog business.” As April pet Chloe, she thought about Sergeant Bilko and wondered if her parents would let her take the cat. She couldn’t imagine her father rolling around on the floor to play tug of war with Sergeant Bilko’s mice or even letting him curl up on his lap for a nap while he watched TV. “You know, I’m not really surprised that they found out. We always knew there was a chance we’d get caught. We just pretended the chances of that happening were smaller than they actually were. We thought we’d beat the odds.”

Sterling joined her on the couch and enveloped her in another embrace. April couldn’t help but think that in one week’s time they were supposed to be cuddled on this same couch watching a movie, probably _Star Wars_ , while Anderson and Debbie were out for dinner. And she probably would have stayed the night under the guise of staying at Hannah B’s house and she would have fallen asleep lying next to Sterling instead of in an empty bed just down the hallway.

“I’m sorry you can’t stay with me tonight.”

“Did you really think your parents would let us stay in the same room?”

“Just for tonight, I thought they would. They didn’t seem very happy.” Disappointment creeped back into Sterling’s voice and April remembered that she wasn’t the only one in need of comforting words.

“Hey, things with them are going to be okay. They were just scared because they didn’t know where you and Blair were. You can’t fault them for that.”

“I just wish they had said they supported us.”

“You, me, and Blair aren’t sleeping in tents in the backyard so that has to count for something, right?”

“There are more bedrooms than tents. It’s easier for them to keep us apart that way.”

“Sterl, listen to me. In the morning, everything with your parents will be better.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re the Wesley’s. And they do love you, unconditionally.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“No matter what happens, don’t forget that God will not smite us for being in love. He made us.”

“Just like the tiny blue poison frogs.”

“And the narwhals. You can’t forget about the narwhals, Sterl.”

“I won’t forget the narwhals.”

“And don’t you ever forget how much I love you.”

“As long as you never forget how much I love you.”

“Promise.”

“I’ve got you.”

“And I’ve got you.”


	29. Normal, Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> I grossly underestimated how long this fic would actually be. We'll see it come to fruition, but probably not for a while. I'm having a blast writing it though, so I hope you are all enjoying it as readers. 
> 
> Also, if you haven't heard of Katie Pruitt, go on your favorite music streaming service and check out her music. Her first album came out a year ago today and it would be a great way to support a gay artist. If you think Slow Burn has mad Stepril vibes, do I have a surprise for you. Seriously, go listen to her music. 
> 
> Lastly, apologies for what is coming after this chapter.

April curled up in a ball underneath the blankets on the bed in the Wesley’s guest bedroom, unable to fall asleep. Every so often she tossed and turned and checked the time, frustrated at how slowly the numbers seemed to change. In a moment of great despair, she even considered sneaking down the hallway to Sterling’s bedroom. A warm and comfortable bed with blankets that smelled like Sterling was a tempting offer and her resolve to resist breaking _that_ rule was waning by the second. Without Sterling next to her, the bed in the guest bedroom seemed both too big and too cold for one person to sleep comfortably in. But April was grateful to have a bed to sleep in and she didn’t want to risk losing that by angering the Wesley’s, but mostly Debbie. So, she stared at a rather uninteresting spot on the ceiling and recited the Republican presidents until the sun began slowly rising in the sky. _Abraham Lincoln. Ulysses S. Grant. Rutherford B. Hayes. James A. Garfield. Benjamin Harrison._ April huffed a disbelieving sigh that she had made a mistake so early on in the list. She started again. _Abraham Lincoln…_

April continued to recite the list of Republican presidents until about seven thirty. She was jarred from her thoughts when a knock sounded on the door. She hoped it would be Sterling, or even Blair, but she wasn’t surprised to see that Debbie was the one on the other side. A cacophony of clanging pans drifted upstairs and through the open door and by the annoyed, yet humorous, smile on Debbie’s face, April assumed that meant Anderson was in the kitchen attempting to cook breakfast.

“Excuse my husband. He’s not usually a klutz in the kitchen. Probably hasn’t had his coffee yet.” Her attempt to lighten the mood only lasted a few seconds before the awkward silence returned. Debbie leaned against the door frame, anxiously wringing her hands. April had never seen her so off-kilter before, though it was understandable given the circumstances. “Do you mind if I sit?” She asked, pointing to the bed. “I’m usually better at these types of conversations if I’m sitting.” April nodded in agreement and waited for Debbie to continue. “April, I’m really sorry about last night. I was so upset and terrified when I noticed that Sterling and Blair were gone that I didn’t even ask you what happened or if you were okay.”

“I appreciate it, but I understand.” April recalled how worried she was when Sterling didn’t respond to her texts or check in with her the first night that she went back to bounty hunting, but she very well couldn’t tell Debbie about that. “I’m sorry too, for being the reason that they snuck out… and that Sterling and I lied to you and Anderson about our relationship.”

“Anderson didn’t believe me, but I have to admit that I had my suspicions.”

“Yeah, I noticed that. And Sterling didn’t believe me that you were getting suspicious.”

“I take it your parents didn’t know either?”

“They’re the reason we lied.” April saw her own sadness reflected in Debbie’s eyes. From what Sterling had told her about Debbie’s past, she knew how difficult it was to belong to a family she didn’t fit into. For that reason, it was easy for April to sink into Debbie’s motherly embrace. It was more compassion than her own mother had shown her. “Please don’t be angry at Sterling. She wanted to tell you, but she didn’t to protect me.”

“Why don’t you go wake Sterling up and come on downstairs and we’ll talk then?”

“Should I get Blair too?”

“No, Anderson and I want to talk to you alone first. If that’s alright.”

April padded down the hallway to Sterling’s room, eager to see Sterling and anxious for their conversation with Debbie and Anderson. Sterling was sound asleep, her head just barely peeking out from the top of her blankets, which she had wrapped around her like a cocoon. On any other day, April would liken her girlfriend to a divine being and she would take immense pleasure in watching as she slept, but the crinkle between Sterling’s brows suggested a restless sleep proceeded their chaotic evening. Her own parents would soon realize that she wasn’t at home asleep in her own bed, and when they did all hell would break loose.

April always knew they would never take her coming out well, but their reaction to learning the truth about her and Sterling’s relationship cut her more deeply than she imagined it might. She did regret the way they had found out though. As terrified as she was, she always intended to tell them herself, when the time was right and on her own terms. And her plan didn’t involve having to flee her home in the middle of the night. To add insult to injury, she held out hope that as they slowly knit their family back together, as they became the version of Team Stevens that existed only in her dreams, her parents might find it in their hearts to look past her sexuality and see her for who she truly was – their daughter. But her hope was misplaced.

April sat on the edge of Sterling’s bed and placed light kisses on her cheek and forehead until her eyes fluttered opened. All things considered, it wasn’t the worst way to start her morning. Perhaps some good would come out of this mess.

“April? What are you doing here?”

“Well, you rescued me from certain doom last night and offered me a place to stay.”

“No, I mean, why are you in my room? My mom will kill us if she catches you in here.”

“Your mom was the one who sent me to wake you up.”

“I wouldn’t have expected that after last night.”

“Hey, come here.” Sterling nestled against April, looking just as worn out as she felt. They’d gotten so good at hiding that she forgot just how tiring it was, not just for her but for Sterling as well. And now their days of hiding behind locked doors were mostly over. She brushed her fingers along Sterling’s jaw, her neck, and through her hair. She could hold and kiss her girlfriend without worrying about who might walk in on them. It was a bittersweet side effect to being unexpectedly outed. “Your neck is really tense.”

“I think it’s from all the lying.”

“We don’t have to lie anymore Sterl.”

“But what will it cost you?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to be myself. My parents will just have to accept that.”

“Do you think that they will?”

“I feel stupid for saying this after last night, but I hope so.”

“With God all things are possible, right?”

“Only time will tell.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m really tired. I could fall asleep just like this. You happen to be very comfortable.”

“You make a pretty good pillow, too. Ten out of ten would cuddle again.”

“I think the world could literally be burning down around us, and you’d still find a way to make me laugh.”

“It is my life’s mission to make you smile.”

“Well, as much as I’d love to stay here with you, your parents want to talk to us.”

“I guess we shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

“Will you hold my hand?”

“April Stevens, are you scared of my parents?”

“No! I just want to hold your hand.”

“As you wish.”

Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, April and Sterling prepared themselves to face the inevitable. April wasn’t necessarily afraid of what lay ahead of them – she was much more terrified of what would happen with her own parents – but she was nervous and so was Sterling, who put on a rather poor attempt at a brave face. April could see that her nerves were eating her up inside. Though she believed with absolute certainty that both Anderson and Debbie would accept them with open arms this time around, she understood why Sterling was worried. April gave her hand a supportive squeeze and received one in return. If they were going to get through whatever came next, they were going to need to lean on each other.

Debbie and Anderson were waiting for them in the kitchen and upon making their presence known, April found herself and Sterling at the center of one big bear hug. She wasn’t accustomed to so many displays of affection from parental figures, but she was no longer surprised to be on the receiving end of so many hugs, especially during a time of struggle in the Wesley household. And after experiencing firsthand how welcoming Anderson and Debbie had been towards her, how they had treated her like family after only having dinner with them twice, April was no longer surprised that Sterling had no doubts about coming out to them so early on in their pseudo-relationship. When they pulled away, Sterling’s face was lit up with a wide smile.

“Girls, I think we have a lot to talk about.” April and Sterling nodded in assent and took a seat at the kitchen island as Debbie motioned for them to sit. Anderson went back to flipping pancakes but listened intently. “April, do your parents know where you are?”

“No.” She looked to Sterling when she felt her anxiety rise again. Sterling laced their fingers under the table, and she continued. “I just sort of left, in the middle of the night. They’ll probably assume that I’m here though.”

“I understand that it’ll be difficult, but could you maybe fill us in on what happened?”

“There’s not much to tell really. Sterling and I were out on a date, celebrating Valentine’s Day early, and my dad just happened to see us together at the restaurant we were having dinner at. He was at a business meeting, but I didn’t realize it was in downtown Atlanta.”

“You went all the way into the city to go to dinner?”

“Mom, we can’t go to dinner around here. Not if we want to be _together_.” Sterling spoke as if it was the most obvious thing in the world even though her parents didn’t understand the measures that they had to take to hide their relationship or why it was even necessary.

Anderson and Debbie both looked troubled but remained silent. April gave them a moment to process the information before she continued. “This may not surprise you, but my father is not a fan of the gays.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t take it well.”

“That’s one way of putting it. He told me that I disgust him.”

“April –”

“And he wants to fix me.”

Sterling started tearing up. Debbie paled. Anderson just looked confused. “Fix you? How?”

“Anderson, I think she means…”

“They had no problem setting me up on a date with Ethan Harris to try to turn him straight.”

“We’re not going to let that happen April. I won’t let your father lay a hand on you.” Then he turned to Debbie. “I told you they didn’t send that boy away to stay with his grandparents. God only knows if he’s okay.”

“No, he ran away, but he’s safe.”

“How do you know this?”

“I plead the fifth.”

Before she was pressured to elaborate further, April was saved by the fire alarm and one very burnt pancake. As Debbie swatted a towel at the ceiling to shut it off, Anderson tossed the failed pancake in the garbage with a sigh and a shrug. “At least it was the last one.”

“Well, that was probably loud enough to raise Blair from the dead.” Debbie poured herself another cup of coffee and offered some to Sterling and April, which they both gladly accepted. April always took comfort in having a warm drink in her hands. “So, how long have you two actually been dating?”

April and Sterling shared a look. Debbie and Anderson deserved the truth, but there were some things that were better left unsaid. “We were sort of together the week before the lock-in, but we broke up. And then we started dating again the week after the lock-in, but it’s kind of complicated and we want to keep some of it private.”

“Wow, that’s a little longer than I thought.”

“Mom, I’m so sorry that we didn’t tell you.”

“And there were so many sleepovers. So, so many sleepovers.”

“Okay, I know you’re upset about that, but I need to tell you something and I need you to listen to me.” All three of them turned to Sterling, curiosity piqued. April didn’t know what else there was to tell them, except more details about their secret relationship. “I love April.” That bit of information was not a shocking revelation. “What I mean, mom, is that Luke was like my favorite dress, but April is so much more than that.”

“Right, well honey, I think we should talk about that later. Privately.”

April hadn’t the foggiest idea what Sterling was talking about, but she got the feeling that Sterling had just admitted to her mom that they were sexually active. Of all things, that was a conversation she was nowhere near prepared for. Anderson didn’t seem to know what exactly they were talking about either, though he understood that Sterling viewed their relationship as being more serious than her previous relationship with Luke.

Loud rumbling sounded above them, which could only have been Blair rising from the dead. How one, skinny teenage girl could sound like a horde of elephants was a mystery to April. Her awakening did however mark the end of their conversation, which April was thankful for given the direction that it had taken. She and Sterling helped Anderson and Debbie set the table. They took their seats, April in her usual seat to Sterling’s left, and waited for Blair.

While they waited, the doorbell rang, and Anderson jumped from his seat to answer it. “That should be the new paint for my ducks!” April joined Debbie and Sterling in their amused laughter. April always found it odd that Anderson only whittled ducks, but she admired his woodworking skills. From what Sterling had told her, Debbie did as well, she just didn’t like to admit it. Especially since he only whittled ducks.

“April,” The laughter died around her. “Your father is here.”

“Hey, little Padawan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.I.P. Pancake 
> 
> Fun fact, as I was writing that part of the story, I realized that I left my chicken in the oven too long and burned it :(


End file.
